Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
- Finding a Godly man means finding a man who is emotionally stable (to the degree that any human can be - we all have our baggage and we all have our faults, but remember I'm not looking for perfect, I'm looking for perfect imperfection)
- He would be understanding and faithful and loving and everything I've never experienced in a relationship. He would emulate Christ in his actions and his words, and how could that be a bad thing?
- In a healthy relationship, there wouldn't be these stupid ass games people like to play. There wouldn't be any "rules" to follow (ie: wait 24 hrs to return his call, never be available when he is...), there would be no "he didn't call, why didn't he call?" It would be a say what you mean and mean what you say kind a deal.
- I would have an awesome role model for my son. I wouldn't carry the weight of raising a little boy to be a strong man. I admit I am completely overwhelmed by this incredible task. I don't want my son's counselling bill to be on account of me!!!
- I could be vulnerable and safe at the same time. I could drop this hard shell and I could bring down the wall. My baggage could be checked for good. We may have issues, but trust wouldn't be one of them. It would mean connecting on a level I've never experienced before.
- A radical life change. Radical
- Losing control
- Losing control
- ugh, losing control
Ya, so I have control issues...
- I would be required to make changes in my life and my behaviour that I'm not sure yet I'm willing to give up. Truth be told, these things aren't fulfilling or life sustaining. But I do enjoy a nice romp in the sack every now and again. Never having had anything better than that, I can't say that what I'd be giving up a good shag for will be worth it. That scares me.
- I'm an instant gratification kinda gal, so waiting around for "the one" is gonna kill me. Especially if it takes a while...Especially if I'm not in control.
But honestly me being in control hasn't worked out so well. I've had men tell me they love me and then tell me they can't wait for me to meet their wife...in the next breath. I've had emotionally void men, I've had men who have used my body as a tool to get them off, reminding me the whole time it's 'just sex'. Talk about feeling cheap. My choice in men isn't exactly...um...what's the word...,that's right....good. I pick assholes who forgot to grow up and blame it on everyone but themselves. Maybe giving up an orgasm for a sense of worth is a good trade off.
I'm willing to give up my control. I'm even willing to be the submissive wife, because of this:
The man I find (or who finds me, or who is my gift from God) will have my best interest at heart. He will love me and cherish me and take me to places I've never been emotionally, physically, geographically, whatever. And I won't need to be in control. It won't be all about me. It will (and always has been) what I can give him. I've just never been with anyone before who has given me all of him. I've always given my whole heart to a man, expecting him to care for it. But no one understood the complexity nor the beauty of my gift. Mr. First Crush told me that men out there do exist. I believe him. Actually, I believe him to be one of them.
So, I'm scared shitless. At a crossroad, afraid to move any way for fear of the outcome. Maybe I've been in my single state of mind for so long any diversion of that is just too much.