Saturday, June 6, 2009

Faith

I'm gonna start out by saying this. I think it would be absolutely cool if one of my 'daydreams' came true one day. You know, like some guy got in his car and drove all day and all night just to see me, because he missed me. He shows up at my door, delirously tired and excited. That would be cool. Or taking me away for a surprise weekend somewhere just the two of us, arranging every detail lovingly with me in mind. Of course, it would have to be 'some guy' that I wanted it to be. Some random guy on the skytrain who stalked me or some ex-boyfriend, that would not be cool. I'd have to establish beforehand if it were a good thing or a bad thing, so then I guess it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? Maybe that's why stuff like that only ever happens in the movies. One guy did show up at my door with a dozen red roses, saying "I come in peace." But I sent him home to his wife...that definitely wasn't in the day dream. On a completely different note, I made a discovery this week. I discovered that faith is a choice. I should have known this, but I didn't. I think I really believed it was going to be some cosmic event that forever changed me. That it was a feeling of overwhelming calm that just happened if I was good enough or strong enough or capable enough to be trusted with such a power as faith. Turns out, it's not an aura, it's a clear choice that I have to make. No one can make it for me, either. So, I made the choice to believe, to have faith, to 'be guided by a hand that I cannot hold." And there was no fanfare (that I heard anyways), there was no change in how I looked, nor how I felt. But the knowledge that my life is is God's hands is pretty spectacular. There is a plan for me, a plan to prosper. There is hope. I love that. Hope. Hope is such a wonderful thing. Hope that isn't manmade is even more amazing. Slowly, it's become that work isn't as horrible because I have a purpose there (even if I still don't know what it is...). Suddenly, I want for nothing. I am complete. Don't get me wrong, the love of my life would still be fabulous, but he would be filling a 'partner' sized void in my life and not a faith role too. And whomever I meet now will be hand picked by God, so I don't figure I'd do any better! It's surreal. And I have to say that knowing someone is praying for you is soooo much more powerful than having someone pine over you. I have to keep repeating to myself over and over that I believe, just so I won't forget. I'm so much of a perfectionist that I'm afraid I'll screw up being a child of God. Isn't that something? I'm new to this journey...which is funny...this was to be the adventures in dating blog, not the spritual journey. But hey, I guess that's what life is all about, huh? I don't really know what the future holds, I never did. But it's not a bad thing anymore. I don't need to know. The best thing is that I'm not scared. I'm not doing this out of fear. I'm pretty excited, to be true :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3VrggQW7tk Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these broken wings and learn to fly All your life You were only waiting for this moment to arise Black bird singing in the dead of night Take these sunken eyes and learn to see All your life you were only waiting for this moment to be free Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly Into the light of the dark black night. Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly Into the light of the dark black night. Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these broken wings and learn to fly All your life You were only waiting for this moment to arise, You were only waiting for this moment to arise, You were only waiting for this moment to arise

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