In my defense, it's been a while. A long while. And I was lonely. And let's be honest here, when it's been a long time, you begin to forget how bad it is. You forget about the one liners and the losers and the ugly couch pictures. Yes, I 'unhid' my profile on Plenty of Fish. (Don't get any crazy ideas - you won't be able to find me...)
I don't know what I expect to find this time around. I really don't. Probably nothing. In fact, I bet that in a week or two I'll be so fed up, I'll yank it yet again. But on Sunday morning, as I sat in church, looking around me (while obviously listening very intently to the Good Word...) and I noticed that I was surrounded, surrounded by married men. That's really all I have to say. Married men with wives and children. Living the life I thought was to be mine. Meeting a single man in church is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Not impossible, but nearly so...
I keep saying I think that my Mr. Right is just around the corner, when the truth is I'm slowly beginning to think I don't have a Mr. Right at all. Not everyone gets a Mr. Right. And so, instead of expecting to see him at every turn - or around every corner - I should begin settling into my life as me. Just me. Not in a bad way, not in a scary way, not in a depressing way. The lingering thought is that maybe I'm missing out by waiting for something that I have no control over and might never happen.
The last few nights I've been visited by the ghost of boyfriends past. One in particular who, if I had married, would have moulded me into the perfect little farmer's wife. We were so young, and he didn't so much love me as the idea of me and who he wanted me to be. I believe he's moved on and found his Mrs. G...complete and content to share his dream. I just think of how much I have grown in the years since him. I've learned who I really am, and that is such a fabulous gift. Maybe being single isn't a life sentence, maybe it's a gift. I think if more of us viewed it as such there would be some really content, complete women in the world.