Monday, June 29, 2009
Please note: This may be under the category of TMI! LOL! 6 days!! In 6 days, I will be at the lake with my little guy, my pregger best friend and her 2 kids. I cannot wait. I haven't felt excitement like this in ages! Doesn't that sound like heaven? I can't think of a better way to spend the week...well, hoping the sun shines of course! But even if it rains all week, I will be stuck inside watching raindrops fall with my favourite people. Like anything in life, pleasure cannot come unless there is a little pain. And pain will come in the form of my ethetician and a whole vat of hot, hot wax. I'm telling you folks, if I'm going to be in a bathing suit for a whole week, a little maintenance is necessary. So, Olga is going to go where the sun don't shine...literally. Brazilians are on to a lot beauty wise, and the wax job is just one of them. I am going to pay to be tortured, all in the name of beauty. Last time I was sore for 2 days. I'll let you know how it goes, however, I will not post pics. LMAO!!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
So, I watched "He's Just Not That Into You" the other night. I might have read the book a few years back...but didn't pay it much attention. The core theme through out the book is that if a man wants to be with you, he will move mountains in order to do so, if a man wants to talk to you, he will call you. In theory, it totally makes sense. We've been conditioned as women to think that if a man treats us like shit, it's because he likes us and doesn't know how to deal with his emotions...ie: the pulling of pig tails in elementary school. But if a man isn't talking to you, most likely it is because he doesn't want to. I get this. It has taken awhile, but I can now confidently say, I understand this concept...totally... Guys have been given mixed signals. Like the "woman's lib 'movement' girl" aka - do not approach me. If I want to talk to you, I am woman enough, I am confident enough, I will come to you. Then there's the "Rules Girl" aka - If a man wants to call me, he'll make the first move. Which, of course, is not to be confused with the "Games Girl" aka - If you can't tell I'm interested by the way I'm twirling my hair around my finger, then I am not going to even consider talking to you. Then there's the shy girl, the bold girl, the loud girl...the list goes on and on and on. And the really crappy thing is that any of the above girls could quite possibly be the SAME girl depending on the evening, mood, and alcohol consumed. What happened to the good old days where you passed a note across the class that said "I like you. Do you like me?" and then there were 2 choices...yes or no. It should be that easy. That would make things so much more convenient for me. And yes, in my world, it's all about me. I don't have time to wait around anymore for some guy to try and figure out which type of 'girl' I am, and then make his move. I mean, I don't have time figuratively and literally. I'm getting older. Soon I'm afraid I will be an old crazy woman with 15 cats...you know the stereotype...yelling at kids from my front door in my housecoat. I mean, I do that now on occasion, but I'm yelling at MY kid, so I think it's okay. The movie ends by every single love story (I think there are at least 4 or 5) ending in exceptions to the rule. I'm not sure if they did this on purpose or tongue in cheek or just because reality is too depressing and we all gravitate to the feel good rom-com's. The truth is you can't put rules on feelings. You can't control how you feel, how you fall in love, nor even with whom you fall in love sometimes. Love happens. It happens online, it happens in person, it happens when you're least expecting it. The only 'rule' I attest to is this, "be open to love." Be open to the possibilities. Be open to the beauty, be open to the happiness, be open to the experience. Let down your guard and know that it is a gift to love someone and have them love you in return. I'll suffer a hundred broken hearts for the one who will heal. Yes, many times happy endings only happen in the movies, but I've heard it said, "if it's not happy, it's not the end." Oddly enough, I've never been more content to be single as I am as I write this. I am not looking for "the one." I am not feeling lonely or alone or like there is a void that needs to be filled. I am content. I have been blessed beyond belief. Taking happiness from that is an awesome experience. I can throw away the "Dating makes you want to die, but you have to do it anyway", I can ditch the POF account for good, I can stop reading the "dating guide, 40 ways to know he's into you' (booooooooring). If it happens, it happens. If not, I'll go out and buy a couple kittens and call it a day :)
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
My baby graduates this week. Preschool...he graduates from preschool, so I realise it's not exactly university or high school, but it is momentous, none the less. He's gone to this wonderful little Baptist church preschool with these awesome women who just love my kid. They're having a graduation ceremony on Thursday evening. Q and I went shopping tonight for a special outfit to wear to Grad. He wanted one, he said, that would make him look handsome. My baby is growing up, and I am powerless to stop it. It's a graduation of sorts for me as well. I am mourning the loss of my baby. I know it must sound silly to those of you who don't have children, or who's children are still babies and totally dependent on you 24/7 (to which it would sound like a relief.) But my son is my only child. He will be my only child, and all of the sudden I am the mother of a boy, not a toddler, not a baby...a boy!!! Where did my baby go? How did the past 5 years go so fast? It feels as though I will blink and he will be 18 (gasp! and I will be...nevermind!) Q, on the other hand, cannot wait to grow up. His little friend turned 5 before he did, and he said, "oh, I wish I were J...only nicer" (as they have 'disagreements' almost daily!!) He is on the count down to his birthday. I can relate, totally! My whole life I just wanted to be a bit older, a bit more wise, a tad more 'put-together'. I remember being 10 and just aching to be 20. If only I were 20, life would be fabulous. Of course, being 10 - 20 seemed very old. I planned my life away...who I would marry, how many children we would have. Let's see...10, would have meant I was marrying...oh, how funny is that, I can't even remember. Now, I'd love to be able to STOP time. If only I could have one super human power, that would be it. We actually went thru this little phase where I could not call him "baby." This was horrible as it's what I called him just about ALL the time. He'd say, 'Don't call me baby. I'm not a baby!' and I would respond, 'You're my baby. You always will be. It's a term of endearment!' And he'd get mad, because he didn't know what that meant. The book, "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch, I thought was a beautiful story of a mother's love. It totally freaked Q out. He couldn't understand why the mother would drive over to the son's house in the middle of the night and break into his house. Boundaries. He gets it. I'm a little slow. Our song is by Kreesha Turner, "Don't Call Me Baby, Anymore." The first time we heard it, we both looked at each other and laughed. I'm sure Q was thinking, "At least someone gets it!" One of my wonderful friends is having much the same experience. We both suffered quite horribly from postpartum depression. It's actually how we met, in a support group for those of us who were just trying to stay afloat as new mothers. Our 'symptoms' were very similar and in the midst of our anguish a beautiful friendship grew. She was dancing with her sons (6 and 4) in the kitchen last week to a song on the radio, when she suddenly burst into tears. Our babies are growing up. It's sad, and it's beautiful, and it's terrifying! How do we raise them to be honourable men? How do we comfort them and nurture them and teach them? I ache to hold my baby again. I'm blessed that I have a cuddly little boy. He just loves to snuggle. But I miss those times when I would hold him when he was feeding and he would stare into my eyes and his little hand would hold my finger. Of course, there are many more experiences ahead of us that will tug on my heart strings. The first day of kindergarten, grade one, graduation from elementary school, then there's high school and University and marriage. I'm sure there are many tears ahead. I'll let you know how it goes!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
The thing I love the most about Douglas Coupland novels is that he takes totally mundane situations and boring people and makes exceptional things happen to them. I love this because my life is mundane and I am boring. But I would love for something exceptional to happen to me. I've said before that when I die my tombstone will read, "who?" not even capitalized. I mean sure some people will mourn, some will miss me. It's not the masses I'm concerned about. Believe me, I am okay with the fact that the world will not stop in a collective moment of silence when I die...that would actually be a little eerie...ugh. But I really want my life to mean something, I want to make a difference somehow. If I were in a Coupland novel, I could make a difference in a Staples or the Skytrain. And somehow, that is comforting. How's that for complicated? I want to change the world, but don't want to leave my bubble to do it...hahaha. I just realized how stupid that sounds. Guess I'll have to leave my comfort zone if I'm going to change the world. I'm still waiting for something spectacular to happen on the skytrain. I just know it's a matter of time. Today this woman in front of me was having a conversation...no, that's too polite, she was yelling at her 14 year old son for being a selfish, lazy, inconsiderate brat (and I am totally paraphrasing, her words were much...um...stronger.) She was so hurt because her son had decided to live with his dad, who she was sure was a drug dealer or user or whatever. And she spoke to her son out of pain and anger and hatred for his father. Of course I pretended to do my crossword, but my heart just ached for this woman. She told him to come get his things tonight, because the locks were being changed first thing in the morning. The things she told her son forever changed their relationship and it broke my heart that she could say such hurtful things to her own child. I wanted to put my arm around her and give her a big hug, but something tells me that would not have been okay, LOL. I prayed for her right there on the skytrain, I prayed for her son, but I also prayed for myself. I prayed that I would never ever ever come to that point with my own son. (Haha, my son...who tonight, while 'fixing' something with his dad, said "Damn" and then when asked where he learned that word totally turned me in. Dammit...I mean, shoot...busted by a 4 year old!!!) Okay, so in addition to being afraid to step out of my front door I am also a perfectionist. To a fault. If I can't do something perfectly the first time, I just stop. Skiing...took lessons like 5 times and still can't get down a hill without a plethora of curses and at least 3 really horrible wipe outs. Done with skiing (seriously, though...I hate winter sports. It's cold outside. I don't want to be cold. It's like torture. Give me a good book, a good cuppa joe, and a fireplace...I'll wait in the ski lodge thank you very much) Rollerblading...bought these awesome K2 rollerblades like 8 years ago. Almost $400.00, 'cuz if I was gonna do it, I was gonna do it in style...Yeah, um they've been used maybe 4 times. It's not effortless. I can't glide down the street. Geez, I can't even stop without using a light post or a huge patch of grass (to fall in, of course.) University...well, that wasn't my fault. Well, not really...see, I didn't have any direction. I didn't know what I wanted, so instead I spent thousands of dollars enrolling in classes and then avoiding them (this is seriously what nightmares are made of...I still have them. I've enrolled in a class and don't remember until the night before the final. Or I can't remember what class I've enrolled in, so I wander aimlessly through crowded hallways. You may laugh, but it's horrible.) 1 1/2 years later, all I had was a ridiculous amount of debt and a nervous breakdown. Cooking/Baking...all the directions, tablespoon, teaspoon, baking soda, baking powder...and they ALL do something DIFFERENT. So, if you get mixed up things start going downhill real fast. Hence, my son is a restaurant connoisseur, and he's genuinely shocked (and grateful!) when I make something edible. Ah, so my point...I have a tendency of packing up and going home when things get tough...or don't go as perfectly planned. Making a difference in the world, or my world at the very least isn't going to be easy. It's not going to be a cake walk. I hope I have the tenacity to stick with it. "Be the change I wish to see in the world" as Gandhi said. I love that quote. It sounds like such a simple thing to do, doesn't it? On a dark and windy night though, it sure is hard to be a flame. Ugh, I pray for courage. I pray for strength. I pray for a day a little less boring.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
I'm gonna start out by saying this. I think it would be absolutely cool if one of my 'daydreams' came true one day. You know, like some guy got in his car and drove all day and all night just to see me, because he missed me. He shows up at my door, delirously tired and excited. That would be cool. Or taking me away for a surprise weekend somewhere just the two of us, arranging every detail lovingly with me in mind. Of course, it would have to be 'some guy' that I wanted it to be. Some random guy on the skytrain who stalked me or some ex-boyfriend, that would not be cool. I'd have to establish beforehand if it were a good thing or a bad thing, so then I guess it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? Maybe that's why stuff like that only ever happens in the movies. One guy did show up at my door with a dozen red roses, saying "I come in peace." But I sent him home to his wife...that definitely wasn't in the day dream. On a completely different note, I made a discovery this week. I discovered that faith is a choice. I should have known this, but I didn't. I think I really believed it was going to be some cosmic event that forever changed me. That it was a feeling of overwhelming calm that just happened if I was good enough or strong enough or capable enough to be trusted with such a power as faith. Turns out, it's not an aura, it's a clear choice that I have to make. No one can make it for me, either. So, I made the choice to believe, to have faith, to 'be guided by a hand that I cannot hold." And there was no fanfare (that I heard anyways), there was no change in how I looked, nor how I felt. But the knowledge that my life is is God's hands is pretty spectacular. There is a plan for me, a plan to prosper. There is hope. I love that. Hope. Hope is such a wonderful thing. Hope that isn't manmade is even more amazing. Slowly, it's become that work isn't as horrible because I have a purpose there (even if I still don't know what it is...). Suddenly, I want for nothing. I am complete. Don't get me wrong, the love of my life would still be fabulous, but he would be filling a 'partner' sized void in my life and not a faith role too. And whomever I meet now will be hand picked by God, so I don't figure I'd do any better! It's surreal. And I have to say that knowing someone is praying for you is soooo much more powerful than having someone pine over you. I have to keep repeating to myself over and over that I believe, just so I won't forget. I'm so much of a perfectionist that I'm afraid I'll screw up being a child of God. Isn't that something? I'm new to this journey...which is funny...this was to be the adventures in dating blog, not the spritual journey. But hey, I guess that's what life is all about, huh? I don't really know what the future holds, I never did. But it's not a bad thing anymore. I don't need to know. The best thing is that I'm not scared. I'm not doing this out of fear. I'm pretty excited, to be true :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3VrggQW7tk Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these broken wings and learn to fly All your life You were only waiting for this moment to arise Black bird singing in the dead of night Take these sunken eyes and learn to see All your life you were only waiting for this moment to be free Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly Into the light of the dark black night. Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly Into the light of the dark black night. Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these broken wings and learn to fly All your life You were only waiting for this moment to arise, You were only waiting for this moment to arise, You were only waiting for this moment to arise