I feel as though I am an expert on failed relationships with men. Every romantic relationship I've had with a man has ended poorly. Of course I truly believe it is all their fault. Mostly because men are idiots, but also because, well...I'm just a little bit perfect. And if you don't believe that, then it's because I've been known to put up with a whole lotta shite for the pure pleasure, the absolute honour of being in a relationship with a man. (You'll find out why I keep clarifying 'with a man' in a mo....patience is a virtue, young grasshopper...)
As I believe myself to be an expert, I think it's my responsibility to educate others on the pitfalls of relationships. That is to say, when to know it's time to jump ship. Since I have never been married, I cannot consider myself an expert....so please keep in mind my advice is for those who've not yet promised their lives for the rest of all eternity to a man. If your single, then read on sister, read on....
In my mind there are 2 obvious reasons to leave a man and so I will not go into detail. I will, however, mention them just in case they're not as obvious to my adoring public. If a man ever, ever hits you or if a man ever cheats on you, you should run and not walk to the nearest exit and never look back. There are no buts, there are no ifs, you leave. Period. Next.
A man who puts you down more than he builds you up, well...he's most likely just trying to make himself feel better about his balding head, his beer belly, or his inadequate size (if you know what/where I mean...) Whatever the reason, us women are pretty good at pointing out every single one of our flaws, we don't need a man to join in. As far as I'm concerned, it is the mans job to build his woman up. Songs like "Baby Got Back" were made to make us shake what our momma's gave us, so you shake that booty with pride, my friend. Please note: I am using my booty as an example. And only because my bum is my least favourite thing about me.
A man who is too busy to see you, or too busy to call you or just too busy is not too busy. Let me say this again because it bears repeating...he is NOT TOO BUSY. He just doesn't want to see you. He has other things to do that are more important than you. Don't get me wrong, I get that men have to work for a living. I get that. But if you find yourself calling him more than he calls you, if you're taking a back seat to that fascinating trip to the dump, or if your man keeps saying, "Oh baby, I'm just so busy..." you need to make yourself a little more busy....with someone else. I hate "The Rules" of dating, but this one is true. Any man who wants to be with you will move heaven and earth in order to do so. No obstacle will be insurmountable. Remember that. You are more fabulous than a trip to the dump (True story. Mine. I'm telling you...expert...)
The bad boy. Le Sigh. What to say about the bad boy...or rather, where do I start??? Okay, first of all the bad boy is not the bad boy because he thinks it's super cool to be one. It's because he has issues. Issues with his mother, issues with an absent father, abandonment issues, fear of intimacy issues, fear of failure issues, low self esteem issues....do you get where I'm going here? They're F***ed up. They're not going to change. Well, they might change after years and years of expensive therapy. Would you rather put your man through therapy or go on a trip to Mexico? Ahhhh, I thought so. Me too, I recommend Cancun. Aaaaarrrrrriba!!! They're not going to change for you. You're not going to be so fabulous that they all of the sudden forget that every woman that has ever been in their life has either died, deserted them or treated them like garbage. Don't miss the point here, you are fabulous. Absolutely. But fabulousness does not cure fears or emotional wounds years in the making. Especially if they don't even acknowledge their existence. Remember...speaking from experience. Now, if you fall for a "bad boy" with a motorcycle, a leather jacket, and a healthy mental state then I say, "Score. Go for it..." Just don't forget your helmet
If you find yourself defending him or his actions to your friends more often than not, he is a loser. If you're too embarrassed to introduce him to your best friend or your mother, dump him. If your friends or family hate him, then they hate him for a reason. This reason probably has to do with how he treats you. Think of it this way, your parents and your friends....they love you. They want you to find a prince who loves you. If they despise the guy you're seeing, stop and listen to them. Chances are huge that they're seeing something in him that you cannot see because you're blinded by love. Just a note on that one...it's not love, honey....it's lust. And it really, really sucks when the lust is gone and you realize they were right. It really sucks. I have about 10 close friends and family who could have said, "I told you so!!!!" when it didn't work out with my ex. The absolutely fabulous thing is....not even one did.
Finally, I believe this with all my heart. Surround yourself with a core of fabulous women. I myself have 6 women in my life with whom I could not live without. I find that I don't see them as often as I wish, but when I am fortunate enough to spend some time with them I feel renewed and full. These are the women that keep me grounded, keep me laughing, keep me sane. They are my protectors and I am theirs. Not one is in any way like me, and yet we are all kindred spirits. They have my back. They catch me when I fall. They build me up. They're honest (sometime brutally). They're loving. They're the epitome of healthy relationships. They (and Q, of course) are what make my life complete. I know without a doubt they feel the same about me. If you surround yourself with the company of women you absolutely will not need a man who tells you your ass is fat, or a man who has no time for you, or a man who cannot deal with his past.
If you do not have these women in your life, go and seek them out. Find them before you find the man with the six pack abs and the rock hard ass. You will need the following:
- An Older Mentor (motherly type...if you're lucky enough...your mother...)
- A Younger Woman (whom you may mentor...you experienced woman, you!)
- The sister (a biological one, maybe...but not required)
- The Calming Presence (who can talk you down from any ledge)
- The Outside-Your-Comfort-Zone (rock climbing, night life-ing, etc
- The Kindred Spirit (She was you in a different life and vise versa)