The first time I quit smoking (for real - I quit before for like 4 hours. I know. Will power is not one of my strongest qualities...) I was cocky. From day 1, I called myself a 'non-smoker.' Of course, at the time I didn't really think of it as being cocky, I told myself it was mind over matter. Therefore if I said it enough, it would become true.
"I don't want a smoke!" I would brag.
"Ugh, the smell of stale smoke makes me gag." I would lie.
Sure, I could stand outside with all the smokers and *not* inhale their second hand smoke. I was a non-smoker.
Of course I could sit on the patio and enjoy a beer without a cigarette. I was a non-smoker.
Absolutely I could go into the gas station to pay for my gas and resist the urge to buy the cigarettes staring back at me from behind the counter. Because...I was a non-smoker.
I could have just one puff of that smoke, because I was a non-smoker. No big deal...
5 months later, I was a full-fledged smoker.
This time 'round, I'm not so cocky. I am a smoker. As much as I wish I wasn't, I am. I cannot stand out with the smokers, I cannot have a beer on the patio on a sunny afternoon. Alas, I will have to pay at the pump for the foreseeable future. I love the smell of smoke. In a stressful situation? My first inclination is to have a smoke. Bored? A smoke could fill the time.
I am a smoker. Just as a drug addict or an alcoholic is and always will be an addict, I will always be a smoker. I can't have just one. One leads to just one more.
But I am two weeks smoke free. The nausea has gone away - for the most part. I don't crave a cigarette 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. About once every hour, I will think..."oooooh, let's go have a smoke!" and then I remember I can't. A few deep breaths, or a walk around the block and it goes away until the next wave of desire comes along.
It's a head game. The thought of not having a cigarette ever, ever again is worse than actually not having one. And if I have *just one more* I'm back to the beginning. I didn't go thru hell just to start all over.