Friday, March 23, 2012

Close it Yourself

This post was going to be titled, "Close Your Own Dang Door".  It was a tough call.  But it's a figurative door, and I didn't think the potty language was called for, so I played it safe.  Although the latter probably would have gotten more hits, the former is a little more true to life.   Can you even imagine what it's like to be me?  That is just a snippet of the thought process coming up with a title for a post.  Just imagine what I put myself through for decisions that matter and mean something.  TGFP or Thank God For Paxil, as I like to say.  

So a friend of mine is going through a break up.  Actually, it's more like a divorce, because although they weren't married they did live together and were together for a verrrrrrrrrrrrrrry long time.  So he (yes, he's a he....) is grieving the loss - rightfully so, I might add - and sometimes it's helpful to hear the "woman's side" of the story.  I don't know if it's every woman's side, but it's my side, and I am a woman, and fairly good at it, too (obviously not to toot my own horn or anything...)  It is so silly the games we play as men and women.  I mean, we know we're super different and we think differently, yet we continually put ourselves in a position where we try to trick the opposite sex into admitting something...weakness, feelings, strengths, I don't know what or why, but we do it.

Women like for men to ask them out.  It's a truth.  We do.  I do.  I want a man to be a man, plain and simple.  And men know this.  The problem is...women give no hints at all that we're interested.  The poor guy is going in completely blind and has no idea whether he will be met with mutual attraction or hostility.  No wonder men don't approach women anymore.  Women can be horrible if they're not interested, downright evil.  Nothing like taking away one's manhood, yet expect him to act like a man anyways.  So what do they do?  Nothing.  Nothing at all.  So we get colder and they get quieter.  Ya, how's that working for us???

The other game we've realized is the "I'm still thinking of you, so you better be thinking of me too".  It rhymes, so that's fun isn't it?  That's about all that's fun ladies.  Think of it this way, you're like two days away from being completely over some guy you've been hung up on for ages - and then you run into him at a pub.  FYI, this happened to me last week.  It was NOT fun...I went out of my way to avoid him and he went out of his way to make sure I saw him.  Ugh.  The fact that he's now married with a small daughter and I'm 30lbs heavier did not cross my mind at all, I can assure you...(ya, right!)  I have this girlfriend who texts ex-boyfriends on their birthday just because it's a *nice* thing to do.  Let's make one thing very clear...it's not nice at all, and she knows it.  They have no contact other than this one per year, and it's more of an ego boost for her than it is a birthday greeting for him, and I'll tell you why....because inevitably, every text becomes a chain of texts where the guy tells her how much he misses her and thinks about her and how she was the one, and yes, he's getting married, but it should have been her he was marrying.  Wow!  She feels great, and he feels like he's settling for second best...and his first best is still thinking about him...she remembered his birthday.  Women play on this way more than men - he's still thinking about me, he's not over me...I am that fabulous.    And how nice of me to remind him of all those wonderful times we had together.  Seriously, I will be the first to admit that women are delusional.  I'm sorry.  But it's true.  You know it's true.  If you recognize yourself in these words....stop!!  You are doing a disservice you your soul as well as his. 

"Closure...I need closure."  "I need to hear from him why it didn't work."  "Maybe it's not over, maybe he's just busy."  "I need him to say the words."  Say it with me, kids...."Close your own dang door!!!"  Instead of thinking you need him (or her) to end something that is obviously over, why not close it yourself?  I realized this myself when, after a couple years of anger, I still hadn't closed the door on my relationship with my ex.  Why?  Because I needed him to say he was sorry.  I needed him to admit that it was his fault we didn't work.  The unfortunate thing is that he never, ever did say sorry (and he isn't, actually) and I was still angry.  While the anger didn't bother him a bit, it ate away at me every day.  So much so that one day, I had to make the conscious decision to not be angry anymore to stop punishing myself.  I was never going to hear sorry, so I had to create my own closure, come to terms with my own side of it and move on without the anger.  It was the best thing I ever did...I gave myself closure.  So now, I hear all these women saying, "I need closure!!!" and I think, "Give yourself closure!!! Why can't you be the one to clos-ure it?"  Why not say to yourself, "I haven't heard from this guy in two weeks.  I'm worth more than that asshole.  I'm closing this and moving on to someone who has time for me."  Or "So he cheated on me, I don't need to hear why he did it to close this chapter.  The very fact that he disrespected our relationship and the trust we built is enough for me to close this chapter ON MY OWN!!"

C'mon women....we own our own houses, our own cars.  We have amazing careers and aspirations.  We are contributing members of society (hopefully) and I am raising a boy to be a man on my own.  I think we can shut a few doors that need to be closed so we can move on to better things, on our own.  What door can/should you close today?  What door have you been waiting for someone else to close for you?  And why can't you shut it yourself?

Go on, girl!  *snaps fingers*

I am so going to be sitting on a couch one day with Oprah and Ellen, drinking coffee and offering up advice. 

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