I've been single now (well, single single...not counting flings and such...) for 3 1/2 years. That's a long time. That's a really long time. When Mr. Ex and I split, I was almost positive I would be in a new (happier, more stable, better functioning) relationship within 6 months...tops. Really. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm pretty fabulous. And truly, as long as I think that, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. In my head, I'm a little bit of alright and any man out there lucky enough to sucker me in would be the happiest man alive. Funny none of that has really panned out, but their loss I tell myself boldly, their loss.
Anyways...back to the point...in these past three and a half years, I've had the opportunity to soul search. Some may call it over-analyze-the-death-out-of-the-situation or possibly nitpick-the-heck-out-of-the-situation, but I like to think of it as 'soul searching.' It sounds so much more...productive. And serene....don't you picture me at the top of a hill in a long white dress with flowers in my hair searching the inner depths of my soul for wisdom and self-knowledge. More like me lying awake late at night pondering (okay, okay...over-analyzing) my every last quality or fault.
And guess what...I've found something I don't so much like about myself...
I have no conviction. (Please note there is no "S" at the end of conviction. I will have you know I am a law-abiding citizen and the most illegal thing I've ever done is walk out of Walmart with a antiperspirant I forgot to take out of the cart and pay for. The buzzer did not go off, I will have you know and I did not realize until I got back to the car. And it's such a hassle to go back in and explain that you walked out with it by accident, and would like to pay for it. They look at you with a weird sneer, like..."You're honest? What the eff is wrong with you, Woman? Run, run with the wind and your free Vanilla Chi-Chi antiperspirant!!!")
As I was saying...I have no conviction. I don't believe super duper without a doubt in anything.
Okay, well...aside from God, and the Trinity and that when I die I will go to heaven. I believe that. Absolutely.
But, I don't believe I'll ever stand with a throng of women while we burn our bras and yell, "Down with men!!" I like my bra. I like the support it gives me. Having said that though, I'd never join a "Bra'd Babes" either. I guess I'd probably adapt alright if we were told we could never wear them again.
I don't really have any feelings regarding Capital punishment versus life imprisonment. I think that bad people should be punished, but what if they really were innocent and we find out after the electric chair? Then again, life in prison is a huge burden on the tax payers and why should we pay for some rapist to get a law degree and have a place to sleep every night? I just don't know.
And what about my carbon footprint? This one I just can't figure out...I get that we should reduce, reuse and recycle. I've seen the commercials about the plastic water bottles being wasteful and we should all buy reusable ones (that cost the earth...pardon the pun!!) Here's the trouble with that one, in my mind...What about all those people who are employed making plastic water bottles? What happens to them when I instead choose to use my cute reusable water bottle? Do they lose their job? And what about the ones whose job it is to recycle all the plastic water bottles? Do they lose their jobs, too? Because if they do, maybe I should still drink out of the plastic water bottles in order to save their jobs. It's just a thought. Which one is worse? And I'm just one person...does it make much difference if just one person reduces their footprint? They'll still be made, and then they'll just sit on the shelf in the grocery store...so isn't that more wasteful??
Political issues? My feeling is....Meh...
I just don't feel so strongly about something that I would go through all the work to introduce it into parliament, fight with the opposition about it, make it into a bill, get the bill voted in by a majority. I mean, really, sooooo much work. (And I've probably combined the Canadian and the US political system in there because, as you may have guess, I just don't feel convicted to figure out the differences...)
The war in Iraq? Well, I think they should just find a way to work it out by themselves. And if they end up alienating (or killing) themselves from the rest of the world in the process, well...I guess they'd learn their lesson. right? Cuba certainly did....oh...wait....I guess they didn't really, did they?
Ten years ago, even twenty years ago...I had conviction. I knew what I believed. Everything was black or it was white. There was no in between. I was going to be the first woman Prime Minister. I was going to change the world. I was proud of the women who fought for my right to vote, for my right to be an educated woman. And don't get me wrong, I'm still proud of them. The last thing I've done with conviction was the other night when I caught two drunk young men peeing on my building at work. Well, it was done moreso out of a crazy desire to scare the shite out of the punks than anything else. I'm sure it's not the first time anyone has relieved themselves on the building and it certainly won't be the last. I would venture a guess it's been done by a few employees over the last 50 years. It was just so hilarious seeing these guys trying to stuff their 'bits' back in their pants without peeing all over themselves. Truth is, they were probably so drunk they won't even remember me. But it made for a pretty funny story for me!
I guess I've realized as I've gotten older that there's a lot of grey areas too. It's scary to me to put everything into absolutes, because at the end of the day, what are we left with? We're left with many yeses, a few nos and not very many maybes. Maybe gives us hope. Maybe leaves us with choices and freedoms. Absolutes leave us with nothing to change, nothing to grow, nothing to gain. And I'm not so big on putting anything into boxes, literal or otherwise.
I'll never win a debate, but that doesn't really bother me either.
One thing I believe with absolute conviction: You can never have too much love. You can never be loved by too many people. Over the weekend, a male friend of the family gave Q some money to take his Momma and his Nana out for lunch on Mother's Day. Later, he called to apologize, thinking he may have overstepped his boundaries. But I say this (with conviction...) The more people who love my kid, the better. The more men who model what it is to be a strong man and how to treat a woman well and respectfully, the better. I firmly believe that it takes a community to raise a child. I can teach Q how a woman likes to be treated, but I can't show him the way a man he admires can. Lord knows he's not gonna learn that from his daddy.