Monday, May 21, 2012

What Not to do When You're PMS-ing

Last week, I had this whole post planned out in my head - What Not to do When You're PMS-ing, but I was soooooo filled with rage, I let it sit for a day or two to calm down.  Now, a week later...I still remember what pissed me off, but I can't really put my finger on why.  I had to delete the whole post because it just wasn't filled with the level of angst that I had felt just 7 days earlier.  So, evidently, the thing you really shouldn't do when you're PMS-ing is write a blog post.  Although, I bet it would have been really funny.  In case you're wondering, the top 3 on the list were:  Driving, Parenting and was a bad week...

So instead, I am going to talk about why I think I'm still single.  I'm really very introspective today and have been thinking about this for quite some time.  And time I've had, my friends...5 years to be exact.  Okay, 5 1/2 years if we're going to be *exact* exact, but whatever.  

I am an independent woman.  It's one of my best qualities (if you ask me...), being independent gives me a confidence I didn't have ten years ago.  I am totally not bragging when I tell you that I can fix vacuum cleaners, unclog drains, unplug toilets, wrap up wounds without batting an eye, I pay the bills, I can plan a party, I get the job done, kids.  And I'm super proud of the fact that I can do it all on my own.  It was a daunting task just even a few years ago.  Corny, but true...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  And stronger I am.

Being independent wasn't a choice.  It was an adaptation due to my circumstances.  There was a time in my life where I would have loved to have someone else do all those things for me.  I would have loved to just buy the Ikea furniture and have someone else put it all together while I browse Pinterest and drink a glass of wine.  I would have loved to have someone else fix the toilet when the thingy doesn't flush anymore, because putting your hand in that water, even though you *know* it's clean is super gross, no matter what any body says.  I would love to have someone else take the car to get the oil changed because to me it's just a hassle until the car doesn't work anymore.

So with every independent thing I have had to do, my heart grew a little harder, just a little bit more bitter.  Every time I do something for myself, I realize I don't need someone else to do it for me.  I don't believe in love stories anymore.  Guys, can you believe that I didn't cry when I watched The Notebook?  I scoffed.  I rolled my eyes.  My heart has become hard.

I don't even give men a chance anymore.  Attractive men, available men, give me 15 minutes and I can find a reason why they don't make the cut.  And this is because my heart has become hardened.  I don't want to give anyone the chance.  I don't want to fail at something (a relationship) when I know how fantastic I am on my own.

I don't want my heart to be hard.  I want a soft heart.  I want to be open to the possibilites of love.  But I just cannot find a reason to soften.  Being tough and jaded gets the job done. 

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