Last week, I had this whole post planned out in my head - What Not to do When You're PMS-ing, but I was soooooo filled with rage, I let it sit for a day or two to calm down. Now, a week later...I still remember what pissed me off, but I can't really put my finger on why. I had to delete the whole post because it just wasn't filled with the level of angst that I had felt just 7 days earlier. So, evidently, the thing you really shouldn't do when you're PMS-ing is write a blog post. Although, I bet it would have been really funny. In case you're wondering, the top 3 on the list were: Driving, Parenting and Working...ya...it was a bad week...
So instead, I am going to talk about why I think I'm still single. I'm really very introspective today and have been thinking about this for quite some time. And time I've had, my friends...5 years to be exact. Okay, 5 1/2 years if we're going to be *exact* exact, but whatever.
I am an independent woman. It's one of my best qualities (if you ask me...), being independent gives me a confidence I didn't have ten years ago. I am totally not bragging when I tell you that I can fix vacuum cleaners, unclog drains, unplug toilets, wrap up wounds without batting an eye, I pay the bills, I can plan a party, I get the job done, kids. And I'm super proud of the fact that I can do it all on my own. It was a daunting task just even a few years ago. Corny, but true...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And stronger I am.
Being independent wasn't a choice. It was an adaptation due to my circumstances. There was a time in my life where I would have loved to have someone else do all those things for me. I would have loved to just buy the Ikea furniture and have someone else put it all together while I browse Pinterest and drink a glass of wine. I would have loved to have someone else fix the toilet when the thingy doesn't flush anymore, because putting your hand in that water, even though you *know* it's clean is super gross, no matter what any body says. I would love to have someone else take the car to get the oil changed because to me it's just a hassle until the car doesn't work anymore.
So with every independent thing I have had to do, my heart grew a little harder, just a little bit more bitter. Every time I do something for myself, I realize I don't need someone else to do it for me. I don't believe in love stories anymore. Guys, can you believe that I didn't cry when I watched The Notebook? I scoffed. I rolled my eyes. My heart has become hard.
I don't even give men a chance anymore. Attractive men, available men, give me 15 minutes and I can find a reason why they don't make the cut. And this is because my heart has become hardened. I don't want to give anyone the chance. I don't want to fail at something (a relationship) when I know how fantastic I am on my own.
I don't want my heart to be hard. I want a soft heart. I want to be open to the possibilites of love. But I just cannot find a reason to soften. Being tough and jaded gets the job done.