Clarity in a Jeep YJ

Okay, so I guess some clarification is in order. My definition of "submissive" is NOT the weak, timid woman who lets her man walk all over her, belittling her and making all her decisions for her. That is not what I meant. At all. I mean, I have a brain and I like to use it. I have an identity and I'd like to keep it!! I truly believe that relationships are an equal partnership. I guess I meant my heart. Over the years, my heart has become hard and bitter. It does not trust. It is a skeptic. Sometimes I'm afraid my heart doesn't know how to love anymore (well, in the man vs. woman sense.) I ache for someone who can take my heart and protect it. I ache for the opportunity to trust someone enough to give them my love. And, I have met my share of christian men who were - for lack of a better word - assholes. They suffer from their own God complexes, their own issues - most of which are actually their inability to love, their emotionally void hearts and minds. They hide behind their religion and their bible, and they use it as an excuse. So, notice I was very careful to say I was looking for a GODLY man. Not a religious man, not a christian man, a Godly man. I despise what religion has become just as much as the next guy. Mr. 1st Crush just opened my mind to a different way of thinking. Or maybe it's the way I've always thought, and I just had the good fortune to have a man validate my beliefs. I love having men as friends. They offer such a different perspective on absolutely everything. Most of the time it's totally warped, but every now and then they surprise me. LOL! I was on the skytrain last night on my way home. It was midnight, so there are always weirdos, okay...not fair...there are always 'interesting' people. This gorgeous guy gets on. Gorgeous. Beautiful broad shoulders, tanned golden skin, tall and dark, just like I like 'em. And the guy doesn't even check me out. Not once. Usually I get a glance (I'm just saying...), but this guy, Nothing. We get off at the same stop. I get in my little Kia Spectra, and he gets into his...wait for it...yellow Jeep YJ. Yep, he was gay. Ugh, you know they say that the majority of single men in the lower mainland are gay. That severely lowers my odds of finding 'the one'...case in point...even on the skytrain. So, I guess this should make me feel good, right? It's not me...well, okay, it is me...but it's my gender...not my mind, that the majority of men don't like. Oh, I feel so much better.

A Single State of Mind

Last night, I had an incredible late night chat with a friend....well, I hope I have the honour of calling him my friend. He was my first crush way back when, and I'd like to congratulate my 12 year old self for having such great taste. I can't stop thinking about our conversation. He opened my eyes to so many ideas about relationships. Some I had heard before and discounted, and some were completely new. But the way he spoke (or wrote) the words opened my mind to a phenomenal idea about relationships between men and women - what it should be....no, more like what it could be. It's revolutionary, it's earth shattering, it's everything I'm looking for. It's a Christ centered relationship. I know!!! Were you sitting down? I should have warned you. It's incredible that this is even something that I'm considering. Since I left the church over 10 years ago, I've scarcely looked back. Any time I did, I was quickly reminded of the hypocrisy religion births in those who call themselves Christians. I want no part of it. My father was a control freak who never learned how to express his love - for his children yes, but moreso for my mother. My mother never got to experience that great love. When I was 19 they divorced, and my whole idea of what love was and what it wasn't was sent into a tailspin. Sadly, my idea of love is a warped combination of Sex and the City episodes and Disney fairy tales. As a result, I've become fiercely independent, secretly aching for the fairy tale. I have to be independent. It's as much by design as it is by desire. I have no choice. I am a single mother. I have to bring home the bacon and cook it. If I don't do it, no one does. I like being independent. I thrive on it. I've often said I'd never be able to be the First Lady, I'd have to be the President (being Canadian aside, of course...Canadian politics are a joke...President sounds so much cooler!) The thought of losing that independence has always been terrifying to me. But last night, speaking with Mr. First Crush, I realised that is exactly what I want. I want to be able to lean on someone else. Someone stronger than me. I want someone to take care of me. I want someone to hold me and tell me it's all going to be okay, and believe him. Here's the big realisation. I don't just want this, I need this. I crave this. This is my fairy tale. And then everything else seamlessly falls into place. The only snag in this whole plan is this: I need to find a man, and not a boy. GOOD LUCK! Here's the problem....to find a Godly man means I'm going to have to go to church - or at the very least expand my social circle to include a few Christian men...how 'bout holding interviews for that?!?!?! This is going to require a whole lotta strength of my part, a whole lotta faith and I don't know if I have that anymore. There's a Pros/Cons list to this definitely. PRO'S -

• Finding a Godly man means finding a man who is emotionally stable (to the degree that any human can be - we all have our baggage and we all have our faults, but remember I'm not looking for perfect, I'm looking for perfect imperfection)
• He would be understanding and faithful and loving and everything I've never experienced in a relationship. He would emulate Christ in his actions and his words, and how could that be a bad thing?
• In a healthy relationship, there wouldn't be these stupid ass games people like to play. There wouldn't be any "rules" to follow (ie: wait 24 hrs to return his call, never be available when he is...), there would be no "he didn't call, why didn't he call?" It would be a say what you mean and mean what you say kind a deal.
• I would have an awesome role model for my son. I wouldn't carry the weight of raising a little boy to be a strong man. I admit I am completely overwhelmed by this incredible task. I don't want my son's counselling bill to be on account of me!!!
• I could be vulnerable and safe at the same time. I could drop this hard shell and I could bring down the wall. My baggage could be checked for good. We may have issues, but trust wouldn't be one of them. It would mean connecting on a level I've never experienced before.

CONS -

• A radical life change. Radical
• Losing control
• Losing control
• ugh, losing control

Ya, so I have control issues...

• I would be required to make changes in my life and my behaviour that I'm not sure yet I'm willing to give up. Truth be told, these things aren't fulfilling or life sustaining. But I do enjoy a nice romp in the sack every now and again. Never having had anything better than that, I can't say that what I'd be giving up a good shag for will be worth it. That scares me.
• I'm an instant gratification kinda gal, so waiting around for "the one" is gonna kill me. Especially if it takes a while...Especially if I'm not in control.

But honestly me being in control hasn't worked out so well. I've had men tell me they love me and then tell me they can't wait for me to meet their wife...in the next breath. I've had emotionally void men, I've had men who have used my body as a tool to get them off, reminding me the whole time it's 'just sex'. Talk about feeling cheap. My choice in men isn't exactly...um...what's the word...,that's right....good. I pick assholes who forgot to grow up and blame it on everyone but themselves. Maybe giving up an orgasm for a sense of worth is a good trade off.

I'm willing to give up my control. I'm even willing to be the submissive wife, because of this:

The man I find (or who finds me, or who is my gift from God) will have my best interest at heart. He will love me and cherish me and take me to places I've never been emotionally, physically, geographically, whatever. And I won't need to be in control. It won't be all about me. It will (and always has been) what I can give him. I've just never been with anyone before who has given me all of him. I've always given my whole heart to a man, expecting him to care for it. But no one understood the complexity nor the beauty of my gift. Mr. First Crush told me that men out there do exist. I believe him. Actually, I believe him to be one of them.

So, I'm scared shitless. At a crossroad, afraid to move any way for fear of the outcome. Maybe I've been in my single state of mind for so long any diversion of that is just too much.