Hurry Up and Wait

Okay, so life has thrown me a few changes lately.  And I don't really like changes.

My baby is growing up.  He doesn't need me as much anymore - or maybe he still needs me, just in different ways.

My brother and his family moved to Ontario. I've been so blessed in my life to count my brother and my sister in law as two of my best friends.  And so them leaving leaves me feeling empty.  I know deep down that this is a good move for them but I feel like a piece of me moved along with them. They took my niece with them too, despite my offers to keep her and allow them to visit her whenever they wanted.

So I've spent the past couple of months trying to reinvent myself.

I'm not trying to *find* myself.  I already know who I am.  I think I've been trying to *change* myself.  Push myself way outside of the boundaries of who I am and push myself to be more extroverted.  Push myself to enjoy things that I don't really enjoy.  I mean, I thought that I should meet new people and get out there and do new things, like maybe joining Toastmasters or an acting club or a choir.  I joined *another* dating site.  I seriously considered moving.  I considered moving in with a friend and having home stay students.  I looked into adopting a dog.

(Well, the last one is totally me. I would love, love, love a dog.)

But then I realized that all that is not me.  At least not me right now.  Because why do I need public speaking skills?  Because I can't act.  Because I haven't sung in almost 20 years.  Because dating sites are so not my style.  Because there is nothing wrong with where I live *for now*.  Because I love my friend, but I don't have what it takes for home stay students.  Because with Q I'm not home enough for a dog.  It wouldn't be fair for the dog.

And I would NOT be happy doing all that NOT me stuff.

Where does that leave me?  Where does that leave me right now?

Waiting.

It leaves me waiting.

Waiting...

But here's the thing.  Waiting is not bad.  I know what has been placed on my heart.  I know that the waiting now is preparing me for the future when my time comes and then I will be ready.  The waiting now is for rest and reflection so I will be confident when when it is time to *be*.

Presidents are not allowed to be under 35 - but seriously look at the average age of the candidates running now.  Nelson Mandela spent 20 years in jail, resting, before he was voted in as the first leader of a democratic South Africa.  And because I love women and love to support their successes...Amelia Earhart was 40 when she took her fateful flight and made history.  Mother Theresa was 69 when she won the Nobel Peace Prize.  Sarah was 90 when she had Issac.

For now, I will take the time to rest.  I will read books.  I will write.  I will read some more.  I will go for walks.  I will laugh with friends.  I will get healthy.  I will watch Pee Wee hockey games and cheer for #12.  I will help with homework.  I will try to remember to go to PAC meetings (I forget every single 3rd Tuesday every single month).

Because I know that when my times comes, I will be busy.  I will be moving mountains and I will be taking names.  (okay, I may not be that influential...but who knows maybe I will).

I don't know yet what it is I will do...maybe I'll run for office (is that a thing in Canada??  It sounds way cooler than 'I will run for MP') and revolutionize politics by being the first honest leader who really wants to make things better for all classes, whether you're homeless or a billionaire.  Maybe I'll run a Fortune 500 company (again...is that a thing in Canada???  I should really read up on Canadian catchphrases if I'm going to be running the country.)  Maybe I'll be a famous author after writing an amazing novel that changes every one's life for the better.

Truly, truly what I hope for and pray for every single day is that God will use me to change lives of young people.  I pray that he will send me a partner who wants the same.  Every day I hope for a husband who's heart also waits for me and wants to foster/adopt as many children as we can.  I hope that we can show these children that they matter and they are important and they are capable of great things and they deserve to be loved greatly.  I hope that we can plant seeds in these young minds and hearts for whatever time we have them, so that one day when they are grown and alone and faced with two choices, they will choose the good because they remember they are worth the good.

I feel this calling every day.

Every day when I hear of mass shootings, I feel this calling.

Every day when I read of the teenager who overdosed on drugs, I feel this calling.

Every time I see someone begging on the street for spare change, I feel this calling.

So for now, I wait.

I rest.

And I prepare my heart for what's next.

Three Things

Walking to my car after work today, my employee started up a little convo with me.  It's funny, because from day one she's been really very personal with all the questions, but we all know how much I love talking about me, so of course I don't mind.  I think she's in a funk. 

A marriage induced funk. 

You know the one.  The "I'm so not appreciated.  He doesn't love me.  I don't love him.  Look at him sitting there, like he doesn't know.  I remember when we used to be so in love.  He used to talk to me.  Now, nothing.  Nothing."  We've all been there, whether married or not.  Some of us choose to move on, others of us choose to work it out.  Someone somewhere said that the secret to their long, successful marriage was that neither one of them fell out of love at the same time.   Sometimes, no matter what, it just doesn't work.  For me, I was just way too angry to ever get that loving feeling back again.  Now, I look at him and feel nothing...except for the occasional pang of pity.

Anyways I think she's looking for permission to be miserable in her marriage.  I'm somewhat of a poster child for *single motherhood* in her eyes, I think.  Or maybe I'm just another woman to whom can she can relate.  Whatever the case may be, we began talking today and she asked me what I thought were the top three signs you're in love.

Well, I'm no expert and I'll never, ever claim to be (well...not on love anyways...) but this is how I will know that I am in love with someone and that they're in love with me....

1.  Respect - You respect their time, ideas, beliefs, thoughts, mind, heart, body.  

2.  Compromise - You are willing to compromise something that is important to the other person in order to make them happy.  You want them to be happy.  You want to take care of them.

3.  Companionship - You enjoy their company.  (Kinda a big deal, huh?)

Sure the butterflies are amazing.  Feeling like you're going to throw up with excitement every time you see them is fabulous.  But at the end of the day, feeling like you're about to barf is not a practical way to go through life.  Butterflies belong in places other than your stomach.  So when those things go away there has to be something left behind that matters.  Those three things matter to me more than anything else. 

I mean, ya...it would be cool if he's super funny, looks like Brad Pitt and has abs like David Beckham...   

I'm just sayin'...

Oh, oh, oh...and white teeth like that guy on American Idol right now.  That would be nice, too.

What are your 'Top 3'?  I'd really like to know, so don't be shy!!

And While we're on the Subject of Beautiful Men...

Okay, so we were on the subject of beautiful men a post or two back, but that's just semantics.  I mean, when are we NOT on the subject of beautiful men, right?  I thought that while I've started to give advice, you know,  on dating and such, I might as well continue.  Well...it's that, but also I'm not finished with my rant.  Bear with me here as I rant figure this one out...

Don't get me wrong, I love beautiful men as much as the next guy...erm...gal.  Just look at these specimens...

All beautiful men.  All of them.  Look at the manicured eyebrows, the smooth, clean shaven faces (or ruggedly-handsome 5 o'clock shadow), excellently attired.  Let's go over the list here, girls....

Brad Pitt - left wife of five years for mistress (which if you ask, I am most definitely in the Jolie camp.  I know she was the mistress and all, but Aniston is such a whiner...)

George Clooney - serial dater of much, much younger women

Hugh Grant - Serial dater, plus the whole prostitute scandal

Jude Law - Cheated on his wife with his girlfriend, cheated on his girlfriend with his nanny

Yes, they're all actors and I understand that Hollywood breeds a certain type of lifestyle that doesn't necessarily promote monogamy.  But it proves my point, so I'm gonna use it to my advantage.  Beautiful men are not all they're cracked up to be. 

After years of dating beautiful men, a friend of a friend decided to join e-harmony (which I am not supporting...in the least, we all know how I feel about internet dating...if not, well then I'd like to know why you've not been reading my blog regularly for the past two and a half years....) and decided to go in with a completely open mind.  As in whomever she was matched with, as long as he wasn't a serial killer or married, she would go on at least one date with.  She wasn't ruling out any options.  Guess what.  Turns out, tall, dark and handsome was not her type.  Tall, over weight and balding was more her style.  I know, hey...what a turn of events.  This guy treats her like a queen.  She's happier than she has ever been.  In fact, so totally happy, she married the guy. 

Another girlfriend has been dating this older man for quite some time now.  His party days are long behind him and he's got a beer belly years in the making, but she has never, ever loved a man like she loves this one.  Now, he's also a louse.  For other reasons.  But he's a man, so I think we're all used to that being the case. 

My point. 

There are many, many men in the world.  Beautiful men, and not so beautiful men.  I would take a man who loves me and takes care of me and wants the world for me over a man who has perfectly groomed eyebrows  and six pack abs every single time.  Any man who takes longer to get ready than I do, is no man for me.  Any man who could be described as 'pretty' is probably gay, but if he's not...I do not want him.  Give me stubble, give me wrinkles, give me a little bit of imperfection, any day.  Lord knows I'm full of flaws (yes they're minor, but they are there...)

There's a very, very thin line between taking care of me and being super clingy, mind you.  I've in the past mistaken super clingy for being loving and attentive.  More than once, actually I'm just saying...everything is about balance. 

So, to recap:

Men cheat (more often than not). 

Beautiful men cheat more (probably).

Open your mind to all possibilities (it is possible that bald is beautiful).

And clingy is not cool (and is quite often mistaken for love). 

Yep.  That about covers it.  It was a rant.  Rants don't follow a reasonable path.  You go where ever you feel led. 

"Committed"

First and foremost, my apologies for being an absent blogger.  I know how you, my faithful thirteen followers,  hold your breath for each and every little gem of wisdom written by yours truly (haha)!!  While it's true I've packing, working full time, picking paint colours for the new home, volunteering in Q's school, and of course, parenting full time...I've also developed a ridiculous addiction to Webkinz.

Have you heard about Webkinz? 

Okay.  Briefly, I will explain the lure of the Webkinz world.  It all begins when you buy a cute little stuffed animal, and with this animal comes an online code that allows you to "adopt" the little guy in a surreal online world.  You make a house for the lil fella, complete with flushing toliets and blending blenders.  You can wall paper the walls, and tile the floors.   And they have these games to play that help you rack up the money so you can buy all these crazy things.  It's the games that have me (although, I have to admit, I've caught myself freaking out at Q for buying a certain fridge when he already had one.  Seriously, who needs two fridges?)  They're like online adult games only way easier because they're supposed to be for kids.  It's great!  I can (and do...) spend hours playing Pile 'Em Up Solitaire!!  Oh yes.  I said Solitaire!  The only problem I've encountered so far is explaining to Q why mommy is playing his games and spending his Kinzcash...

The other reason for my absence is that I was reading a book.  A really, really good book.  A year or so ago, I bought Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love".  For the first six chapters I bawled.  Bawled.  Like a baby.  I could so identify with the anguish that filled those chapters.  I, too, found myself at one point in my life curled up in the middle of the night on the cold bathroom floor sobbing as my life fell apart around me.  I read as this amazing woman picked herself up and rebuilt her soul while travelling the world.  To be honest, my idea of hell is backpacking through India, Indonesia and Italy.  I often joke that my idea of 'roughing it' is a Motel 8 instead of a 5 star hotel.  Hostels are smelly, and the only things I think I would find in such a place are disgusting tropical bugs and cockroaches and rats (shudder).  But her journey of self discovery was fascinating, inspiring, and encouraging. 

So, you can imagine my pure delight when I found out that Ms. Gilbert had published another book, kind of a follow up to the first.  "Committed. A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage"  I will have you know I was in line buying that book the first day it was released.  Let me say this, the book does not disappoint.  I've never really had a problem with marriage myself...well, except for the fact that I've never been married, nor does it seem as though anyone wishes to marry me, but other than that I'm totally okay with marriage.  In fact ever since I was a little girl that is all I ever wanted to do - be married.  And be a mother.  To the extent that when ever anyone asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I'd make something up - like a teacher or a nurse.  In an era where women everywhere were fighting for the right to go to university and have careers (and get paid the same as their male counterparts...) it seemed so silly that all I wanted was to get married and be a wife and a mother.  But really, truly, that's all I wanted.  My career now, I've kind of fallen into and given the opportunity - when (and if) I grow up I still want to be a wife and a mother.

Ironically, reading how this skeptic made peace with  her impending marriage has helped me make peace with my ever looming singledom.  The book follows her trek through Southeast Asia where she bides her time speaking women from all walks of life about their views on marriage.  She's looking for a formula that will guarantee a happy marriage. In the smallest communities in Southeast Asia where divorce rates are next to nil, the secret to a happy marriage was this...creating a life filled with love.  Duh, right?  Here's the thing....not just the love of their husbands.  But their children, their own mothers, their aunts, their cousins, their nieces and nephews, their neighbours, their friends, their hobbies, their work, their homes.  And it hit me.  I've been waiting for the love of a man to complete my life, but when I look around me - my life is complete.  It is fabulously complete.  Falling in love isn't nearly as important as being loved.  Loved by my mother, my father, my child, my kindred spirits, my God .  Falling in love isn't nearly as important as loving those around me.  Loving my life, loving my career, my home and my child. 

I have to stop waiting.

Start living.  Really living.  Breathing in the sweet air right before the rain, watching the sunset, drinking in the smell of my child.  While I don't think I've ever really missed out on these experiences, I do know that I've never really looked at them as the complete story.  It just always seemed as though by being a wife they would be more special.  I look around me, and my life is complete.  I am content. 

Read the book.  Read them both, if you haven't read the first.  Enjoy the journey

The Rules

So, I watched "He's Just Not That Into You" the other night. I might have read the book a few years back...but didn't pay it much attention. The core theme through out the book is that if a man wants to be with you, he will move mountains in order to do so, if a man wants to talk to you, he will call you. In theory, it totally makes sense. We've been conditioned as women to think that if a man treats us like shit, it's because he likes us and doesn't know how to deal with his emotions...ie: the pulling of pig tails in elementary school. But if a man isn't talking to you, most likely it is because he doesn't want to. I get this. It has taken awhile, but I can now confidently say, I understand this concept...totally... Guys have been given mixed signals. Like the "woman's lib 'movement' girl" aka - do not approach me. If I want to talk to you, I am woman enough, I am confident enough, I will come to you. Then there's the "Rules Girl" aka - If a man wants to call me, he'll make the first move. Which, of course, is not to be confused with the "Games Girl" aka - If you can't tell I'm interested by the way I'm twirling my hair around my finger, then I am not going to even consider talking to you. Then there's the shy girl, the bold girl, the loud girl...the list goes on and on and on. And the really crappy thing is that any of the above girls could quite possibly be the SAME girl depending on the evening, mood, and alcohol consumed. What happened to the good old days where you passed a note across the class that said "I like you. Do you like me?" and then there were 2 choices...yes or no. It should be that easy. That would make things so much more convenient for me. And yes, in my world, it's all about me. I don't have time to wait around anymore for some guy to try and figure out which type of 'girl' I am, and then make his move. I mean, I don't have time figuratively and literally. I'm getting older. Soon I'm afraid I will be an old crazy woman with 15 cats...you know the stereotype...yelling at kids from my front door in my housecoat. I mean, I do that now on occasion, but I'm yelling at MY kid, so I think it's okay. The movie ends by every single love story (I think there are at least 4 or 5) ending in exceptions to the rule. I'm not sure if they did this on purpose or tongue in cheek or just because reality is too depressing and we all gravitate to the feel good rom-com's. The truth is you can't put rules on feelings. You can't control how you feel, how you fall in love, nor even with whom you fall in love sometimes. Love happens. It happens online, it happens in person, it happens when you're least expecting it. The only 'rule' I attest to is this, "be open to love." Be open to the possibilities. Be open to the beauty, be open to the happiness, be open to the experience. Let down your guard and know that it is a gift to love someone and have them love you in return. I'll suffer a hundred broken hearts for the one who will heal. Yes, many times happy endings only happen in the movies, but I've heard it said, "if it's not happy, it's not the end." Oddly enough, I've never been more content to be single as I am as I write this. I am not looking for "the one." I am not feeling lonely or alone or like there is a void that needs to be filled. I am content. I have been blessed beyond belief. Taking happiness from that is an awesome experience. I can throw away the "Dating makes you want to die, but you have to do it anyway", I can ditch the POF account for good, I can stop reading the "dating guide, 40 ways to know he's into you' (booooooooring). If it happens, it happens. If not, I'll go out and buy a couple kittens and call it a day :)

Clarity in a Jeep YJ

Okay, so I guess some clarification is in order. My definition of "submissive" is NOT the weak, timid woman who lets her man walk all over her, belittling her and making all her decisions for her. That is not what I meant. At all. I mean, I have a brain and I like to use it. I have an identity and I'd like to keep it!! I truly believe that relationships are an equal partnership. I guess I meant my heart. Over the years, my heart has become hard and bitter. It does not trust. It is a skeptic. Sometimes I'm afraid my heart doesn't know how to love anymore (well, in the man vs. woman sense.) I ache for someone who can take my heart and protect it. I ache for the opportunity to trust someone enough to give them my love. And, I have met my share of christian men who were - for lack of a better word - assholes. They suffer from their own God complexes, their own issues - most of which are actually their inability to love, their emotionally void hearts and minds. They hide behind their religion and their bible, and they use it as an excuse. So, notice I was very careful to say I was looking for a GODLY man. Not a religious man, not a christian man, a Godly man. I despise what religion has become just as much as the next guy. Mr. 1st Crush just opened my mind to a different way of thinking. Or maybe it's the way I've always thought, and I just had the good fortune to have a man validate my beliefs. I love having men as friends. They offer such a different perspective on absolutely everything. Most of the time it's totally warped, but every now and then they surprise me. LOL! I was on the skytrain last night on my way home. It was midnight, so there are always weirdos, okay...not fair...there are always 'interesting' people. This gorgeous guy gets on. Gorgeous. Beautiful broad shoulders, tanned golden skin, tall and dark, just like I like 'em. And the guy doesn't even check me out. Not once. Usually I get a glance (I'm just saying...), but this guy, Nothing. We get off at the same stop. I get in my little Kia Spectra, and he gets into his...wait for it...yellow Jeep YJ. Yep, he was gay. Ugh, you know they say that the majority of single men in the lower mainland are gay. That severely lowers my odds of finding 'the one'...case in point...even on the skytrain. So, I guess this should make me feel good, right? It's not me...well, okay, it is me...but it's my gender...not my mind, that the majority of men don't like. Oh, I feel so much better.