Monday, August 17, 2015

Someone Turned Onety One (or eleven...for those of you who are normal...)

It seem as though this blog has kind of morphed into a once a year check-in / birthday letter to Q.  Truth be told, I've gone through a bit of a writer's block and life has just become a routine of work, hockey (for Q...def not me), school, sleep, eat and repeat.  No one wants to read about that on a blog.
But lately we've gone through a lot of changes - well, to be more specific, Q has gone through a lot of changes lately and my hope is that if I write about it, I might stop bursting into tears at random, inappropriate times.  (p.s. I am not a crier...)
See, my Q is growing up and the past few months have been both beautiful and devastating for me all at the same time. 
Q is eleven and for us, that means spending weeks away from home with the grandparents - all of them.  It means sitting in the front passenger seat of the car.  It means FLYING in an AIRPLANE all by himself.  It means staying home alone after school.  It means owning a cell phone (for safety while being home alone).
This is beautiful and exciting, because Q is doing exactly what he should be doing.  He's growing up.  He's following the path that many boys have walked before him on their way to becoming a man.  And who am I kidding?  We all know I'd probably be freaking out if he weren't meeting these milestones with such perfect timing and accuracy.  None of it has been forced either, my Q is eagerly jumping from milestone to milestone, barely stopping to take a breath.  And he's not just growing personally.  He's physically growing...and that makes my bank account cry. 
We've had so many great conversations lately.  He is such a smart insightful kid.  He's an old soul and some of the things he says actually make me think about the choices I am making in my life.  While he was in Calgary, we had some awesome text talks.  One day he asked what I was doing and I told him I was just watching a movie because all my friends were out of town and I had no one to go to the beach with. 
He texted, "Maybe it's time you made a few more friends."
And maybe he's right.
The past 11 years I have devoted my life to Q.  Where I live, where I work, is all because of Q. And I have willingly given most of my spare time to him - because it's just him and me, I've been blessed enough to have that time to give to him.  I've not really dated.  My hobbies are relatively fluid (as in, I can read in a hockey rink while he's practicing).  My friends are used to either Q coming with me, or me bailing at the last minute.
Q doesn't need me as much anymore. 
And I'm completely lost.
This is the sad thing for me.  I don't know who I am if I'm not *little* Q's mom.  I've loved being needed by him and the center of his little universe and it makes me so sad that his universe is getting bigger and bigger.  I have shed many a tear over this.  I am mourning the loss of my baby.  (geez, am I being like seriously overly dramatic?!?!?!)  I don't know if it's different for women who are married or who have more than one child - because they have a spouse or other children to distract them. 
But if every woman goes through this, I can completely understand why we have the reputation of being crazy emotional. 
Because if you pulled up beside me at the stop light yesterday, you would have wondered why that red light made me cry.
I'm super proud of my boy.  He's becoming such a great *person*, you know...not just a little boy, but a person.. 
I will leave you with one little story... While texting me on his trip to Calgary with the grand-parentals, he asked what I was doing.
me:  I'm watching 'Far From the Madding Crowd'.  It's about a woman who has 3 men who fall in love with her.
Q:  Weird
me:  Well, yes.  It's definitely not a movie you'd want to watch 
me:  Who doesn't want 3 men to fall in love with them?
Q:  Would you?
me: No.  Probably not.  It causes her many problems
Q:  Ya.  That's what I mean
me: Ha.  You're very smart
Q: Ya
(and yes, I use punctuation in texts..)

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