Accidental Activist

Here in British Columbia, our teachers are poised to start rotating strikes on Monday.  Quite honestly, I didn't really think much about it.  I mean, it didn't feel like it affected me personally.  I'm not in school.  I'm not a teacher.  And Q just seemed to be happy to have an extra day off so close to summer break, and hey what's just one day right?

It really seems to be the way, doesn't it?  If it doesn't inconvenience you or take something away from you or make you feel something, you don't really care, do you?  It does sound horrible, but it's true.  This is why there are starving children in the world and billionaires.  Teachers who are asked to take a 10% pay cut (again) and government officials in the same province who are given a 14% raise.

And so I thought about it.  A lot.  Because I really, really wanted to care.  I wanted to pick a side, one way or the other and care about it.  A lot.  

There are two sides to every story.  We are in the tail end of a recession, I thought, maybe there just isn't enough money.  I saw wage comparisons with other provinces.  I read articles from both sides.  I have wonderful friends who are teachers and they don't want to be rich.  They want to do what they love, and make a comfortable living doing it.  I thought about putting all the stats here, but I didn't want to bore you all - so you do the research...

I made my choice.

I chose to support the teachers.

I'm not going to lie, it was an emotional decision.  No, no, not emotional in that I cried when I made it...but I made the decision wholeheartedly with my heart. 

Teachers do so much more than teach. And so without further ado, here are the reasons why I support our BC teachers (in no particular order):

• Teachers volunteer food to hungry bellies.  Here in BC, we have the highest percentage of children living in poverty in all of Canada.
• Teachers help nurture our children's talents so that when they grow up they will be contributing members of society.  They help teach qualities like responsibility and respect.  In kindergarten, Q had a teacher with a hearing impairment.  It didn't stop her at all, but she did most of her listening by lip reading.  This was a blessing in disguise for the kids, because they learned the importance of making eye contact and and waiting to speak to someone.  Not only helpful in this instance, but respectful too.
• Teachers, sadly, are sometimes the only people who care for some children.  How many inspirational stories have you heard or read that involve a teacher who cared when no one else did? Coach Carter, Dangerous Minds, just a couple of movies that show the importance of one person caring for those no one else cares about.  In grade 12, I had the best English teacher ever.  She liked me, and I was kind of the teacher's pet (I don't want to brag or anything....).  It felt AMAZING and I had parents who loved and cared about me.  Imagine how that would feel to someone who doesn't know what love is...
• Teachers teach!  I know this might sound super obvious but consider this...we don't invest in education - where's your next doctor going to come from?  Lawyer? Teacher? Nurse? Writer? Politician? I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, "Well that's what private school is for..."  Really?  There are enough, in my opinion, people living on the east side, who have dropped out, cannot read and are basically unemployable.  If only the elite get jobs, are there enough jobs at McDonald's for the rest of us?  There are tonnes of studies and statistics that show an education is the most important way to stop the cycle of poverty.

I could go on and on and on.  Really, I could.  My son's teacher bought 23 potting plants and soil and clay pots so each child could make a Mother's Day gift for their mother.  As a mother who doesn't have a significant other to take the kid out and buy a gift, this was a very welcome surprise.  But I think I've made my point.  

In the end, I don't actually see it so much as supporting our teachers as supporting our children and their future and by extension, OUR future.  I mean, I'm gonna be old one day.  Like real old, and I'm going to need a good doctor.  I'm going to need a good politician to make sure I'm not living on the street.  I'm going to need a lawyer to construct my will.  The point is - we need to invest in these kids now, so that society as we know it doesn't dissolve around us.  I know, I know, it's a slippery slope.  But are you willing to take that chance?  

I'm not.

What is Going ON?!?!?!?!?!?

I've been so troubled this past week by things going on in this world.  Not even this world, but in my city, my country.  It makes me sad that this is the way things are going.  My heart breaks and mourns for my son's generation, and every generation after because we're losing some fundamental values - like compassion and respect. 

Earlier this week, a friend of mine who is almost seven months pregnant was walking across the street, when she was hit by a car.  Now, she's fine, completely fine.  But the point is, the guy who hit her rolled down his window and yelled, "Sorry..." as he drove away.  One witness didn't stop but asked if she was okay as he passed on by.  Even the police didn't feel the need to investigate - because she wasn't in a coma or worse...  I guess they're too busy arresting people for having parking tickets and such.

A friend of mine wrote on her fb page that a car was in the middle of an intersection blocking traffic.  Car after car after car drove past, not bothering to see if they needed anything.  My friend stopped to see if she could help, only to find one of the passengers was having a seizure.  Everyone else just drove on by...too busy or just not bothered enough to care.

Five children (that we know about) in Canada in the past year have committed suicide over claims that they have been bullied to the point of no return.  The victims of bullying.  Let me state the obvious for what I will say next maybe will shock some.  It is horrible, horrible, horrible that anyone thinks it's okay or derives any delight from belittling, teasing, or hating someone else.  Especially to the point where someone thinks the only out is to kill themselves.  It's horrendous.

However, it's also horrendous that no one thought to do anything about it until these children killed themselves.  All these anti-bullying commercials, in my opinion, glorify the bullying and glorify the bullying.  Instead, let's teach these children how to defend themselves (with words, of course), how to stick together.  Let's teach children self worth, so that when they're met with adversity - they know otherwise.  Let's teach children that shitty things are going to happen in this world, that not everyone wins, that succeeding in life is really, really hard work.  Let's teach them that failures happen.  Let's help them find somewhere to fit in.  If I had tried to fit in with the popular kids in high school, I would have been teased for sure.  Instead, I found a small group of like minded souls who enjoyed the same things I did, who had my back - and so it didn't matter when people laughed at me, or said something bad about me.  They weren't my people and so what they thought didn't matter.  And to this day, it does not matter.  

Then let's teach them how to get up, brush themselves off and try again.  Let's show them what competition looks like and how to practice even harder when they lose.  Let's show them how to work hard, fail, work harder, fail, work harder and fail again.  Because it seems to me, kids don't know what adversity is.  Everyone gets a ribbon at the race, because everyone showed up.  

What worries me even more is that I fit into this group just as much as anyone else.  I try to shield my child from everything, because isn't that my job as a parent?  Q thinks bullying is when someone thinks something other than him.  "S wanted to play on the swings at recess, but I said no, I want to play soccer.  He's such a bully."

Dinner with some friends this week was also quite enlightening.  No longer can anything with any inkling of Christianity be in a public school.  I understand the separation of church and state, whether I agree with it or not, but you cannot even mention Santa anymore.  Children refuse to stand for the National Anthem, because it's not theirs or because it mentions God in it.  

But...

These same schools will equally celebrate Eid, Ramadan, Chinese New Year, Diwali, and Vashaki.  Don't get me wrong...I don't mind this, and even welcome it, because it's so fascinating to learn about other cultures.  The problem that I have is that our culture is becoming *offensive* in our own schools, our own country.  Our culture is slowly being erased.

What's going on?

How do you make a difference in a world where people no longer care?

Where do you even begin?

How do you teach your children to care? 

What do you teach your children?

I think we're teaching our children to be pansies.  We're teaching them to give up when the going gets hard.  We're teaching them not to stand up for what they believe in, because we're not doing it ourselves.  We're leading by example.  We're walking by people who need our help without a second glance.  We're every man for himself.  It makes me so sad.

Parenting - The Trouble with Growing up

Parenting gets harder as Q gets older. I thought it would get easier, and I suppose in some ways it has.

There are no midnight feedings or messy diapers. There are no temper tantrums or toddlers with boundless energy. Babies and toddlers are just sooooo needy. I mean, Q can feed himself and dress himself. He can go *potty* without assistance. 

So that’s something, right? 

The thing about the younger years that I like is the amount of control you have over the circumstances and events surrounding your child. You can protect them from outside forces. You can control who has influence over them, by limiting/screening what T.V. they watch, who they hang out with. Even so called “un-controllable” temper tantrums are really within control, because you can shut them away in their bedroom until they stop being ridiculous. You can control their behaviour with consequences and discipline. 

I think I used control at least 5 times in that paragraph…do you think I have control issues? 

No. Me neither. (I think by *control*, I mean *protect*…that sounds better…) 

The point I’m getting at is that as your children get older, I’m finding, you begin to lose control over their lives. And I guess this is the natural progression of aging. I suppose it’s healthy. I’m just not sure how much I like it. 

Q has a new friend, a neighbourhood boy. This boy I do not like. At all. But he’s 8. How do you tell an 8 year old he cannot play with your child because he’s a rotten little shit? It’s kind of impossible. He yells at his parents (they lead by example, always yelling at him…), he’s rude to his little brother (“Move your fat head”), he’s impolite and mean. 

He comes to play video games with Q – I would much rather they play in my house than theirs – so I can….uhhhh….supervise… While playing video games, his dialog with my son is much similar to this, “Awww, what are you doing? You’re so dumb. Do you even know how to play this game? That was a stupid move. This is so boring. I hate this.” And on and on and on it goes. When he goes home, I tell Q he needs to stand up for himself when this kid says these things. I don’t really know how he does this. Admittedly, ‘don’t say mean things to me, it hurts my feelings,’ sounds lame, even to me. I’m torn between refusing to let this kid play with my beloved son and acknowledging that as an only child, Q needs other kids to play with. This one just happens to be the only one we can find… 

Not wanting to appear to be an uber-controlling mom and in an attempt to try not to embarrass my child, I keep my mouth shut. Most of the time. Occasionally, I cannot bite my tongue any longer and have to say something. Like in this instance: 

Neighbourhood kid: Q!! You’re such a PUSSY. 

Say what, now? Are you effing kidding me? This child is 8. 8. Eight!!!! While I’m sure he didn’t know what the word really meant because he looked at me like “what’s your problem, lady? I called him a cat…” I’m still so shocked that this word was even in his vocabulary. Q just the other week stuck up his pointer finger and asked me if that meant he was giving someone the finger, by pointing at them. (Yes, yes, it is…by the way…).

What is going on in this child’s life that he knows words like this exist? I’m still shocked. 

Me: (Internal Dialog…) Listen here, you little shit. A word like that comes out of your mouth again towards my son and I will kick you so hard, you’ll land in next Friday. Got it? 

ME: (External Dialog…) Excuse me? We DO NOT use words like that in our home. Do you understand me? You use it again, and you’re going home. Got it?

The kid just looked at me. The thing is, I kept my voice low and calm. He’s so used to being yelled at, he didn’t know how to react. He kept his mouth shut after that, and each subsequent time he’s been in the house. He keeps looking at me too. So I stare him down. That’s okay, right?? 

After he left, my kid says, “I think you should write a letter to his parents. He shouldn’t say things like that!!” Oh, how I love Q. So eager, just like me, to make sure everything in life is put right, with no loose ends. I did consider it, but what were his parents going to do? Yell at him? Give him a pat on the back? Chances are this horrible word came from them. In the end, I figured my method was much more effective. 

I got to experience it this time, but what about the next time…when I’m not there? What happens then? I know that I have to trust that the parenting I’ve done thus far will sustain my child through these events. How? 

• My son knows what’s right and what’s wrong: He knows. I’ve modelled it. I’ve guided him when he’s been wrong. He has had to endure consequences when he steps out of line. And while a conscience isn’t built into children, a strong knowledge of right and wrong somehow helps one grow. I need to remember this. 

• We’ve built the communication lines: Q can tell me anything. We’ve built this road over the past almost 9 years. He tells me the little things, the big things and everything in between. There is no filter. And truly, for an 8 year old, there are no little things, are there? Everything is pretty significant. We talk things through. We rationalize, we debate, we come to a resolution. Every time. 

• I’m a safe haven: Well, first of all…I’m his momma, so you would think it obvious that I’m a safe haven, but is it? I’ve created a non-judgemental environment for Q. We have no gender bias, no race bias. We have guidelines and routines and rules. This allows him to bring home new/different ideas and share them with me, without fear of my reaction. This way, we get to figure things out together. He doesn’t have to go to his friends to find out what this means or that means. He can come to me and KNOW he’s getting the truth. And, he know I love him. Always have, alway will NO MATTER WHAT. I tell him often. Like, all the time how much I love him. 

• I have fear on my side: Seriously, I use everything I can to my advantage. We’re watching COPS – see, cops catch you every time. This is why you don’t do anything illegal. They will catch you. We’re reading the news, and someone has died of a drug overdose – see, this is why you only take drugs that come from a doctor for a specific reason. Otherwise, you die. 

And then I remind myself that a mustard seed is soooooo veeeeeeeeeryyyyy tiny, but once planted it grows and grows and grows. I believe it’s much the same with Q. I have planted the seed of goodness, and I know it will grow and he will grow into someone amazing. I also hope, that by allowing this boy into our home, I am planting a seed in him as well and one day good will prevail over evil. 

How do you sleep at night, knowing that this is just the beginning? What are we going to do, once they’re teenagers in high school or they move away for college? 

How do we control them then????

Hey, You Big Bully

I feel like my last post seemed really judgemental.  It wasn't meant to be.  I mean, seriously, I feel like I've been judged enough in my life.  It's a horrible feeling.  It was more meant to be an observation.  People in this world are hurting and they'll do what ever makes sense to them in order to feel happy and to feel alive.  And I am not judging them.  I get it.  I really, really do. 

 

So, tomorrow is anti-bullying day in Vancouver.  I'm not sure if it's just a BC thing or if it's country wide or what, but we'll all don pink shirts in support of everyone who has ever been bullied. We all stand up together and we say, "No, it is not okay."

 

I've been bullied.  I remember as a kid in elementary school, my best friend all through out grades 1-6 became 'popular' and I didn't.  Her new friends were not friendly to me at all. 

 

I've bullied.  I remember when I was in my tweens, inviting a girl to my birthday just because a friend had to cancel at the last minute.  I was super mean to that girl.  I still feel horrible about how mean I was to her.

 

I totally agree that bullying is horrible and needs to stop.  I just wonder if we've over advertised bullying to the point where kids don't even know what real bullying really means.  Q often comes home from school and says he's been bullied by so and so over such and such.  Every single time, this kid has kind of gotten the idea wrong...."So and so got mad at me..." or "Such and such is so bossy..." or "This person said he didn't like what I brought for sharing."  I'm like, Dude, people are allowed to have opinions that are different than yours.  Just because he likes different things doesn't mean he's bullying you.  Or just because someone starts bossing you around doesn't mean he's a bully.  It means you need to stand up and speak your mind too.

 

It seems to me as though kids think any form of adversity is bullying.  And it seems to me that by glorifying bullying we're allowing kids to play the victim.  And I can't speak for all the other parents of all the other kids out there, but I will not allow my kid to be the victim.  He needs to find his voice, and stand up to people.  Instead of being anti-bully, I am totally pro-strength. 

 

Q and I have had the opportunity to have some pretty awesome discussions around bullying.  Because here's the thing...every bully has a reason why he/she is a bully.  People don't just wake up one day thinking they're going to be mean.  Something pivotal happens in every life that makes a person a bully.  For example, Q has a *friend* who says he's the best ball hockey player ever and everyone wants him on his team and he scores all the goals.  But then Q realizes that this boy doesn't even know the rules of the game and he wonders aloud to me, "Why would he lie about something like that?"

 

Feelings of inadequacy, the desire to be something you're not or something more start really, really early.  Those feelings start when you're 8 years old.  Why can't we address that?  Why can't we talk about the fact that Q's friend is a habitual liar at 8 to make himself look/feel better?  Why can't we wear a yellow shirt or a purple shirt in support of every body being able to find the strength to be who they really are?  And why does it have to be so early?

 

Let's address the parents that aren't giving their children the attention or the validation they so desperately desire.  Let's address the fact that children are bully's because someone somewhere doesn't care about this little life with the care that they deserve. 

 

Bullying makes me mad, absolutely it does.  But the bully makes me sad.  It breaks my heart. 

 

So yes, let's say "No" to bullying.  But can we take care of the bully too?  If bullying starts with 8 year olds...can we take care of an 8 year old?  Can we take care of their hearts?  Can we get them to the point where we they don't need to be a bully in order to feel better about themselves?

 

Can we do that?

Bad Teacher. Bad, Bad Teacher

School has been tough on Q this year.  Like really tough.  The poor kid's learning style does not mesh with his teacher's teaching style at all.  She's super old school (and not in a hipster way....)  In a word I can describe Q's feelings when it comes to having to spend 6 hours in the same room with this woman: Terror.

Sounds a little harsh, doesn't it?  But it's totally true.  He's been on Spring Break for the past two weeks and so I knew that bed time the night before school would be unbearable unpleasant for me as I convinced him he wasn't stupid, he wasn't going to be in grade 2 forever, the teacher was not going to get mad at him, and that he is really, really smart if he just puts his mind to it.  I just didn't think I'd have to do it 3 nights before school started up again. 

Quinn's weakness is writing.  He can read the words, but he has a hard time spelling them and writing coherent sentences.  I've been working with him on it at home, my mom bought him a work book to use, we spell words at night as he's falling asleep.  But his teacher makes him really, really nervous because he's so terrified of her.  He tells me last night that she says she thinks he just wants her to do it for him.  He said the tells her no, and that he's trying, and she continually says, "Really?" until he concedes and says yes, he just wants her to spell all the words for him.  And then she'll give him a stern talking to.

I really tried to act nonchalantly when he told me this because I don't want him to a) be any more scared of his teacher than he already is or b) think he's *right* and she's *wrong*, but let me tell you my blood is boiling.  My kid, he might be a whole lot of things...rambunctious, hyper, loud.  He might forget his manners sometimes, and he might not listen when he should.  But, the one thing he is not...is a liar.  I have pounded the importance of being honest into him since he was old enough to understand.  And truthfully, it was never that difficult, because he found out early on that being honest with me, no matter what it was, was waaaaay easier than being caught in a lie.  And Q, he has a conscience.  Even if he did get away with a lie, he'd have to tell me because he felt so horribly guilty about doing something wrong (I think he gets that from me!!)  So, first of all, I believe that his teacher says this to him (this is the second time he's told me the exact same thing) and second of all, how dare she question the character of my child on a daily basis?  I am livid.

Teachers have been on strike here in BC since the beginning of the school year or 'working to rule,' which has meant no report cards, no parent/teacher conferences, no field trips, and they refuse to meet with parents who have concerns about their children's learning.  They are doing this because they have the children's best interests at heart, and I can see how helpful this is to students across the province.  Okay, tad amount of sarcasm there...I'm not going to get into what I think about the whole strike because people just get really testy with me when I say what I'm really thinking on this subject.  I have a lot of teacher friends, too.  I just think that these *tactics* are actually affecting the children they're trying to help...but any who....

All that to say I've not been able to speak to Q's teacher about this.  What I really want to say is:

*You're the teacher.  If your teaching method is not working with my child, you need to change your teaching style so that my child can learn.  That. Is. Your. Job.  He is 7.  You have 30 years experience.  If you can not teach my child who has no disabilities, learning or otherwise, then where does the problem lie, really?

*Q can read.  He reads with me at home every single day.  He is terrified of you, and that's why he stutters when he reads for you.  He's afraid you're going to yell at him, or tell him he's not good enough, or that he's not trying hard enough.  So when you ask him if he reads at home, and he says "yes" and then you say, "Really?  It's very hard to tell."  That is not constructive.  It's hurtful and discouraging and it makes him even more nervous around you. 

*Your job is not to judge my child's moral standing to his face.  Ever.  If you think my child is a liar, a cheat or a thief, you come and talk to me, because yes, I agree we would have a problem that would require we work together to fix.

I don't know what to do.  I keep thinking this just a huge character building experience for Q.  I keep thinking that maybe he's over reacting a little bit.  I keep thinking that there are just 3 more months left and we can make it through.  I keep thinking that if we just do more work at home, he be able to spell just like a bee!!  But it's so horrible being powerless to do anything else about it.  His teacher would rather browbeat him than help him, and now our evenings are going to filled with homework and I can't help but wonder if it's because she can't do her job. 

Any great ideas on how to help kids with spelling?  I'm going to get some flash cards and stop by the book store for a *How to Help Kids Spell for Dummies* sometime this weekend, because I'm kind of invested in the success of this little guy, ya know?