I can talk myself out of a relationship in less than 30 seconds. Ergo I can talk myself out of dating in less than 20. What can I say? It's a gift. I can look at a man and in less than a minute I know it won't work out and why. We start out being all happy and in love and then something happens. He's emotionally unattainable, he hasn't grown up, he's a player, a womanizer. Oh, he has too much money, I would feel inferior. Or not enough, and I am not gonna be any one's sugar momma. He's got no work ethic, or he's a workaholic. He's too *into* himself or he just doesn't care enough. I create for myself a whole elaborate story about why it won't work, and then here's the problem...I believe it. I can dissect a man's character, beliefs, morals and values in less time than it takes to pee based on an impression that I make up in my head.
Do you think this is a problem?
More importantly, do you think I have a problem?
Because we all know it's not these men. Logically, I get that. It's not their problem. It's my problem. I mean, I'm sure they have problems...I just don't think that I can determine what they are in such a short period of time. There is no possible way that I can know the deep intricacies of a man by taking one look at them. There is no possible way that so many men can be as horrible as I think they all are.
Can they?
They're either too needy, or don't (uh, won't) need me enough. They're either too religious or not spiritual enough. They're too short, too tall, too skinny, too something. They're too serious or not serious enough. They're too aloof. They're too young, they're too old. They won't love Quinn, or maybe they won't be a good role model for him. I bet their toes are ugly and their feet smell. And is that a hangnail? Don't they know men can get manicures now too? What about that eyebrow? It needs to become two.
In reality, we all know that just because he hasn't had a pedicure in 35 years does not mean he's a horrible person. In reality, I cannot be making rash decisions about any one person's character based on absolutely nothing.
I need to shut my brain down for a while. Stop over analyzing the shit out of things and just put myself out there. Give people a chance and hope they can do the same for me. My stomach has been in knots all week, dating crappy men in my head that don't even exist. Talking myself out of something that might be really, really wonderful.
I don't want to be the crazy cat lady 10 years down the line. I mean, I would be now if it weren't for the fact that I have a child and should probably keep it all together until he becomes old enough to take care of himself. Well, that and I live with my mom. And she's allergic to cats.
It would be really, really nice to be in a relationship. It would be really nice to even just date someone. It would be super cool to feel attractive again and have a reason to get out of my sweat pants. It would be nice to get out of my head and into the real world.
The real issue here is probably my ridiculous fear of failure. Everything in my life is going so well. I'm happy. Why push the envelope? Why risk failure when everything in my life is so great right now?
Because something is missing.
Someone is missing.
I don't want a fairy tale. A prince would be nice. But really, I just want want to find my other half.
I totally hear you on this. You aren't crazy. You are a writer. It is what writers do!!!! You are completely normal (for a writer).
ReplyDeleteNow, pick something about the guy you like. The color of his eyes? And write about how beautiful they are (write it in your head). How the color reminds you of rootbeer Popsicles and how nice it would be to be around those eyes on a hot, summer day. Try focusing on just his one positive thing, and block out the negative.
Practice focusing on the positive thing. Repeat.
Hugs.