I Have a Tween

(which is nowhere near as inspirational as "I have a Dream...")

 

I've always thought boys are waaaaaaaaaaay easier than girls to raise.  Boys are a little more difficult during the toddler years because they're so active and have so much energy, but once you find a way to channel that little something extra, you're golden.  Easy sailing for the next 15 years.  I've also been so blessed because Q has been such an easy kid.  I mean, I can count on one hand the number of out of control temper tantrums he's had.  He's always been very active - he started walking (and by walking, I mean running) at 9 months -  but by keeping him busy in soccer and hockey, parenting him has been a breeze.  He's polite, remembers his pleases and thank yous, does what he's asked (usually with me only having to ask twice...haha), and he has a very strong sense of right and wrong. 

 

This whole tween thing has knocked me over on my ass. 

 

At first I thought there was some sort of outside source that was influencing my sweet little angel.  Then I thought he needed a nap.  Or maybe he was just hungry.  I thought of blaming his dad.

 

But this nasty attitude is just not going away.

 

So, I googled the symptoms....

 

...and I found out I have a tween.

 

And that this is...

 

(pause for effect)

 

...normal.

 

*sob*

 

I feel sick to my stomach.  My heart actually physically hurts.  I do not recognize this mopey, insolent, miserable person living in my house.  I mean, don't get me wrong - sometimes, I see the kid that I know and love and we have some really great times.  But other times, he's a monster.  Last night, during a calm spell, I said to him..."Q, be the kind, funny kid that you are deep inside, the kid that everyone wants to be around.  Don't be the mean, grumpy kid."  To which he responded, "I know, but I just don't think twice.  It just comes out."

 

I get that he's starting to *find himself* and that can be a daunting task for anyone, let alone a 9 year old boy.  I get that the testosterone is starting to flow, and he doesn't know what to do with all that man-ness yet because he's...well...9.

 

Is there a solution?  Because I seriously don't think I can handle this attitude 24/7.

 

There bloody better be.  I think there is...

 

First of all, we had a visit recently with Nana and Grandpa.  Grandpa tried everything to cheer Q up and when nothing else worked, he put him to work.  After Q moved firewood for about 15 minutes, it was like he was a different kid.  He was talkative (no grunting), he was smiling (no perma-frown) and his eyes weren't rolling at everything I said.

 

Secondly, I am giving Q more responsibility around the house.  He wants to act like a moody teenager, well then I'm going to give him moody teenager chores.  Active chores like taking out the garbage and organizing the recycling...

 

Actually, I'm kind of at a loss for some more active manly chores...so if anyone has any ideas, throw them my way, please!!

 

Hand in hand with more responsibility comes more serious consequences.  I've explained to Q that he's the man of the family and men need to take care of their household.  There are no more time outs as punishment - there are privileges that get taken away, there are video games that disappear. 

 

We are going to be more structured.  We're going to have routines around here so Q knows what to expect and what is expected of him and for him. 

 

Of course, sports start up in the next few weeks and that will help his energy levels.  He's going to busy almost every day with some sporting event or another, and this will help channel that wayward testosterone.

 

To Re-Cap:

 

1.  Put him to work

2. Give him more responsibility

3. Give him more serious consequences

4. Create structure and routine

5. Lots and lots of organized sports

 

I'll keep you updated.  Hopefully, we'll both make it through this phase without going me mad myself.

 

Now if I could just figure out how to stay on top of him eating me out of house and home, because oh. my. goodness. the kid is hungry all. the. time. 

Somewhere in the Middle of Nowhere

I'm not so good at playing the role of the victim.  Even when I am *the victim* I try really, really, really hard to turn things around so that I'm in control of the situation. 

There is this woman at work and whenever I'd see her, I'd throw out the customary, "How are you?" to which she'd put on this sad smile, look at the floor and say, "Oh, you know.  Life."  What do you say to that?  Because I always felt like saying, "Suck it up, Princess.  Life is what you make it.  You aren't getting my pity."  Instead, I'd smile and nod, but deep down I really just wanted to smack her.  Too many people spend their lives waiting to be rescued from some unknown evil, when all they really had to do is say, "ENOUGH".  Sometimes it's easier to just lay down and play dead, I guess. 

When my ex and I split, I had $300 for a deposit on the one bedroom basement suite I was moving into with Q.  That and about $10,000 in debt.  He kept the house and the boat and the Porsche and the Jeep and the bank account.  Honestly, most of it was his before we were a couple and so even though I was entitled to half, I walked away with absolutely nothing.  I had an old bed that a friend of a friend gave to me because their son had outgrown it.  Q and I would roll into the middle every night, but I couldn't afford to buy a new mattress.  I didn't own a couch for 6 months because I didn't have the money to buy one.  I didn't want to be the victim.  I didn't want to be the vengeful ex that went for the jugular.  I wanted what I had to be mine.

And now it is.  Everything I have now, I worked very hard for.  I became the hero of my own story.

I like being in control.  I like being in control of every single situation there is.  Traffic jam with budgers?  Ya, I want to control that like nobodies business.  Line ups in the grocery store?  On it.  Skytrain?  Done it. 

The other day, my momma and I went to the great US of A for some back to school shopping for Q.  We drove for what seemed like forever looking for this outlet mall that I could have sworn was like right there but we could not find it.  When my momma followed yet another one of my *unhelpful* directional suggestions, I finally blurted out, "Why are you listening to me????  You know I'm directionally challenged!!!" and she said slowly...."Because I'm afraid you'll get mad at me if I don't listen to you."

Hmmphf. 

That is so ridiculous.

I totally...

*eeps*

...would.  Yup.  Sad, but true.  I started to think about it.  I would really get mad at the situation (of course, not her...) if she didn't listen to me, even though I knew I didn't have a clue what I was talking about. 

I'm a little bit of a control freak.

It was pointed out to me the other day, quite bluntly in fact, that it would not be fair for any man to be in a relationship with me because of my *control* issues.

Hang on just a minute...I don't have issues....

Oh no...I think it's true and I kind of do have issues. 

Again, being with my ex, having absolutely no control over anything - funny story...I remember sitting at home waiting all day for my ex to be *ready* to do something with me.  Literally just waiting, just to have him say he was tired and didn't feel like doing anything - made me think being totally in control of everything was the only way to go.  In my crazy plan to make sure I'm not the victim ever, ever again, I've swung to the extreme opposite and I've become the superhero. 

The scary thing is that superheros aren't real.

So instead, I've become what?  Someone who likes to be in control of every situation.  Despite this not only being impossible, it's gotta be a little frustrating for people around me too.  What am I missing out on, by controlling things when I could just go with the flow?  What is in store for me that is beyond my control?  How much better/easier/awesome would it be to just say, "Okey dokey, bring it on.  I don't know what *it* is, but I can totally roll with it..."

Or

"Uh, I'm lost.  Maybe I should ask for help..."

Or

"Hey, whatever you want - Sushi or Greek.  I'm cool with it..."

Or

"No, it's totally okay.  You don't have to load the dishwasher with all the forks together and all the spoons together and all the knives together.  You can even mix the mugs and the glasses, if you want.  Even though it makes sense to me, and it is so much easier when you're putting them away.  Whatever, mix them.  It will be fun.  Totally."  (Just so you know, it was painful just typing that.)

So we'll start with the little things and get bigger as we go along.  It's exciting for me to see what is waiting for me beyond my control.  It's like when you're watching a movie and a whole fabulous situation is brewing but the main character can't see it yet and they're just pluggin' along all oblivious.  There is a really fabulous situation brewing for me right now, I just have to believe it's true.  I can't see it yet but wow, it's going to be amazing!

And the best part is I won't be a victim or a control freak. 

I'll be somewhere in the middle.

I'll just be me.