Somewhere in the Middle of Nowhere

I'm not so good at playing the role of the victim.  Even when I am *the victim* I try really, really, really hard to turn things around so that I'm in control of the situation. 

There is this woman at work and whenever I'd see her, I'd throw out the customary, "How are you?" to which she'd put on this sad smile, look at the floor and say, "Oh, you know.  Life."  What do you say to that?  Because I always felt like saying, "Suck it up, Princess.  Life is what you make it.  You aren't getting my pity."  Instead, I'd smile and nod, but deep down I really just wanted to smack her.  Too many people spend their lives waiting to be rescued from some unknown evil, when all they really had to do is say, "ENOUGH".  Sometimes it's easier to just lay down and play dead, I guess. 

When my ex and I split, I had $300 for a deposit on the one bedroom basement suite I was moving into with Q.  That and about $10,000 in debt.  He kept the house and the boat and the Porsche and the Jeep and the bank account.  Honestly, most of it was his before we were a couple and so even though I was entitled to half, I walked away with absolutely nothing.  I had an old bed that a friend of a friend gave to me because their son had outgrown it.  Q and I would roll into the middle every night, but I couldn't afford to buy a new mattress.  I didn't own a couch for 6 months because I didn't have the money to buy one.  I didn't want to be the victim.  I didn't want to be the vengeful ex that went for the jugular.  I wanted what I had to be mine.

And now it is.  Everything I have now, I worked very hard for.  I became the hero of my own story.

I like being in control.  I like being in control of every single situation there is.  Traffic jam with budgers?  Ya, I want to control that like nobodies business.  Line ups in the grocery store?  On it.  Skytrain?  Done it. 

The other day, my momma and I went to the great US of A for some back to school shopping for Q.  We drove for what seemed like forever looking for this outlet mall that I could have sworn was like right there but we could not find it.  When my momma followed yet another one of my *unhelpful* directional suggestions, I finally blurted out, "Why are you listening to me????  You know I'm directionally challenged!!!" and she said slowly...."Because I'm afraid you'll get mad at me if I don't listen to you."

Hmmphf. 

That is so ridiculous.

I totally...

*eeps*

...would.  Yup.  Sad, but true.  I started to think about it.  I would really get mad at the situation (of course, not her...) if she didn't listen to me, even though I knew I didn't have a clue what I was talking about. 

I'm a little bit of a control freak.

It was pointed out to me the other day, quite bluntly in fact, that it would not be fair for any man to be in a relationship with me because of my *control* issues.

Hang on just a minute...I don't have issues....

Oh no...I think it's true and I kind of do have issues. 

Again, being with my ex, having absolutely no control over anything - funny story...I remember sitting at home waiting all day for my ex to be *ready* to do something with me.  Literally just waiting, just to have him say he was tired and didn't feel like doing anything - made me think being totally in control of everything was the only way to go.  In my crazy plan to make sure I'm not the victim ever, ever again, I've swung to the extreme opposite and I've become the superhero. 

The scary thing is that superheros aren't real.

So instead, I've become what?  Someone who likes to be in control of every situation.  Despite this not only being impossible, it's gotta be a little frustrating for people around me too.  What am I missing out on, by controlling things when I could just go with the flow?  What is in store for me that is beyond my control?  How much better/easier/awesome would it be to just say, "Okey dokey, bring it on.  I don't know what *it* is, but I can totally roll with it..."

Or

"Uh, I'm lost.  Maybe I should ask for help..."

Or

"Hey, whatever you want - Sushi or Greek.  I'm cool with it..."

Or

"No, it's totally okay.  You don't have to load the dishwasher with all the forks together and all the spoons together and all the knives together.  You can even mix the mugs and the glasses, if you want.  Even though it makes sense to me, and it is so much easier when you're putting them away.  Whatever, mix them.  It will be fun.  Totally."  (Just so you know, it was painful just typing that.)

So we'll start with the little things and get bigger as we go along.  It's exciting for me to see what is waiting for me beyond my control.  It's like when you're watching a movie and a whole fabulous situation is brewing but the main character can't see it yet and they're just pluggin' along all oblivious.  There is a really fabulous situation brewing for me right now, I just have to believe it's true.  I can't see it yet but wow, it's going to be amazing!

And the best part is I won't be a victim or a control freak. 

I'll be somewhere in the middle.

I'll just be me.