Dear Quinn

Today, you are 10.

Double digits.

A decade.

I have so enjoyed getting to know you these past 10 years.  It has been the most fantastic journey and nothing in my life has compared to this experience, being your mom.  We've traveled through mama, mommy, and now here we've settled...mom.

I love that I know you inside out.  I know what makes you laugh (and how you laugh...it's bubbles out of you), what makes you sad.  I know how you deal with anger, and what makes you tick.  I know your hopes, your fears and everything in between.

I love our talks where you come out with the most insightful thoughts and ideas, and when I ask you where you heard them you say, "Just me...I have thoughts in my head, you know mom."  It gives me hope for the future, when it will be very, very important that you have your own thoughts in your head and that you've learned to listen to them so early on in life.  

I remember back to when you were just a baby, and then a toddler, and I would stare at you, wondering who you would grow to be.  It seemed it would take forever, and now it feels like it was just the blink of an eye.  Here you are 10 years old and I cannot imagine you any other way.  It feels as though I have known you forever.  You have always been a part of me, long before you were ever born and you will be until the end of time.  Of course you are who you are, who else would you be?

You have introduced me to the worlds of Pokemon, Beyblades, Skylanders, Lego, sharks, dinosaurs, cars, airplanes, soccer and hockey.  You have tested my patience and helped me (and it) grow.  You have made me laugh more than anyone I know.  You've made me cry a time or two as well, I'll admit.  You have held my hand.  You have pushed my boundaries.  You have brought me out of my comfort zone on many an occasion.  You have shown me how to love.  

You are honest, almost sometimes to a fault. You have a natural talent for sports, all sports.  You 'get' sarcasm, and have perfect comedic timing.  You have determination, and for a 10 year old, a very good plan for the future.  You understand things far beyond your years and part of me is sad that it's because you're an only child shuffled between two households.  I'm sad that I couldn't give you the life I had planned for you, with two parents together and tons of siblings running around annoying you.   But I do promise to do my best to help you make happy memories that you will cherish your whole life long.  I promise to teach you to do right by people.  I promise that I will help you through the terrible teens and the hormones and the acne and your very first broken heart.  I promise to help you make the right choices in life and help you grow with strong morals and values worthy of a man of honor, a man of his word .  I promise to teach you about God and Jesus and the gift of grace.  I promise to remind you to see the best in everything, and to notice the beauty in every little thing, like the mountains and the super moon, and a beautiful sunset.

You and me, Quinnie, we can get through anything.  

You are my greatest joy and my little love.  You are so loved, by your Momma, your Nana and Grandpa and Matana, your Auntie Alice and Uncle Steve, and your Papa.  We can't wait (well, I guess we can wait...please don't grow too fast) for the next decade, and the one after that, and the one after that.

And the one after that.

Happy, Happy Birthday, my love!

What's Pissing me off This Week - UPDATE

I was frustrated recently at the amount of angst I still have towards my ex. The problem is I really want to forgive him for being an ass so that I can be free. Seriously, folks - nothing makes me a raging b**** more than my ex. And I was thinking ‘c’mon, it’s been almost 10 years, just let that stuff go. What’s the hold up? It doesn’t matter, free yourself from the hold he has on you.’

It was then I realized I have let it all go. I’m no longer angry that he called his ex-girlfriend 10 minutes after our son was born (because they’re still friends…). It truly doesn’t matter that I was in the hospital for 10 days and he didn’t visit me once (yes, we were still together). I have even forgiven the naked pictures of another woman I found in his briefcase when I was 8 months pregnant (what…those pics? They’ve been there forever…)

I have forgiven it all.

For me.

No. I’m still mad at my ex because he continues to do totally idiotic things all. The. Time. to piss me off. I am continually trying to forgive him for the most recent act of stupidity.

Like…

1. Q’s been having a rough time with reading and spelling. It’s super frustrating for all of us. I don’t understand it, because I’ve been reading for like 30 years and it seems so simple to me. But it’s a huge deal. We’re getting help for him, but in the meantime, Mr. Ex tells Q that if he doesn’t try harder he will be kept back a year. This is horrible, because #1, they don’t hold kids back anymore and #2 Mr. Ex knows that. He was just trying to scare Q. I said, “Well, I don’t think it makes sense to lie to him. He’s stressed out enough about this without a false threat looming over his head.” Mr. Ex says, “I was trying to show him what’s at stake.” Uh, nothing then…nothing’s at stake….because you told him a lie. How about not knowing how to read a driver’s exam or a job application?!?!?!?! Those are all valid and true. But how about ENCOURAGING him instead????? I mention dropping a sport and doing tutoring instead, and Mr. Ex gets all antsy. Sure, let’s stick with the idle threats. Those are working so well.

2. Mr. Ex brings the girlfriend to Q’s hockey practice. They sit on the opposite side of the arena (away from everyone…), and he has his arm around her the whole time. They were practically sitting on top of each other. Ewww. She also came to Q’s soccer game on Saturday morning. Mr. Ex thought I didn’t see her sitting in the car, so kept making excuses for leaving the game to ‘get something from the trunk’ throughout the game. Then he had to leave the soccer game early, so he could get Q’s hockey stuff ready. The soccer game was at 11am. Hockey was at 6pm. What are we? 15??? If you want to leave the game so you can go have some *alone* time with your girlfriend, say that. Don’t treat me like an idiot and lie. Oh, wait….see point #1. Even Q says…”C goes everywhere daddy goes. It’s getting annoying.”

3. On Wednesday, Mr. Ex drops off Q at the wrong babysitter’s house. Apparently, this is my fault because I did not remind him the night before (evidently, a text the week before, and the night before was not enough). It’s also my fault because I send emails to the babysitters, and then do not tell him what we discuss. I’m going behind his back. Right. That’s right. I spend hours of my time organizing a babysitting schedule for my child and then do not tell you what I’ve organized. That makes sense. Why wouldn’t I tell you? What possible joy to I have to gain from not telling you what I’ve organized? Who would that really affect? Me??? No. You???? Nope. Q???? Yes. So why would I do that??? Why? I’m not out to sabotage my son. I organize a schedule specifically for my son’s well being. How about Mr. Ex spends his time organizing Q’s schedule and then send it back to me. Riiiiiiiight. That would happen. So now, apparently I have to remind him by phone, text, and e-mail because he gets confused by all my back handed dealings.

And I feel like I’m going to explode because in an attempt to be the bigger person….I did not say ANY of this to Mr. Ex. Nope. I kept it alllllllll inside. Deep breathing techniques have been my best friend today. And to top it off, I have at least another 9 years of this.

What am I going to do?

UPDATE: okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, probably waaaaaaaaay too much information there. And instead of feeling better for the release, I actually feel worse. Most days are tickety boo for me, and others (like today) feel insurmountable...like I'm climbing up a mountain backwards in a hurricane. Yup. That's kind of how I feel today.

Q-isms: Smart A$$

Me:  Hey, Daddy is taking you to hockey tonight but do you want me to come and watch too?

Q:    I don't care

Me:  Oh....you don't care? Okay...so if I stay home and watch t.v., you're okay with it?

Q:   Well I want you to come, but if you have other stuff that's fine.

Me:  How about, "Mommy, I'd like for you to come"?

Q:    Okay

Me:  How's dinner?

Q:   Fine, I guess.

Me: Well, I guess you don't have to eat it and can go to bed without dinner...

Q:   No, I really like it. It's good.

But then...

(after a trip to Hawaii where he went snorkling every day with his dad)

Q:   Mommy, remember Dory from Finding Nemo?

Me:  Yep, I sure do...

Q:   Ya, I saw her!

Oh my goodness, what a conflict that must be going on inside that little 9 year old head of his. One day, moody and too cool and then the next, he's calling me mommy and thinks he's met a fish from a cartoon. It reminds me he's still my little boy, even though he swooshes his head to the right to get the hair out of his eyes, and says "I don't care" more than any one I know.

Parenting a Tween - Separation Anxiety (mine)

More on the ever evolving relationship between me and my son...

My Q just came home after spending a week in Hawaii with his dad, and dad's new gf.  I missed him like crazy.  It was the longest we've ever been apart.  Eight whole days.  

He says he didn't miss me (even though he's been sitting on the couch beside me every chance he gets).  And I kind of get it...I mean, he was snorkeling with turtles and Dory for a week.  I wouldn't miss me either.

It's also a natural progression in our relationship.  

Wouldn't there be a problem if he cried himself to sleep every night because he missed me?  

I imagined him coming home and us spending quality time together playing board games and watching movies and laughing over milk and cookies.

Instead, he asked if he could go play with the neighbor's kids.

I realized that this is how it's supposed to happen.  This is how it always happens, with every parent and every child ever in the history of parents and children.  Children grow up, and eventually they move away.  It would be unnatural if they didn't.  While I'm mourning the loss of my baby, he's feeling pretty okay with venturing out on his own a little more.  

My job now as his momma is to just be.  

I mean, he is only 9 so it would probably be pretty irresponsible of me to leave him home alone and have him make his own dinner.  

But...

I should be proud that there's a pretty huge chance he's not going to be living in my basement, with an extensive action figurine collection when he's an adult.  

It's my perspective that has to change on the situation.  

I think this is probably why God imagined a husband and a wife raising children together.  As the children grow, the parents' relationship with each other changes and evolves, and grows stronger.  Meanwhile, my relationship with my blog is growing...

Q Makes me Brave

It is sometimes the smallest things that teach you the best lessons.

 

The other night, it was super hot and muggy in the house and so I went to open the window to get some fresh air in the house.  I had to think twice before opening it because I was a little scared that it wasn't safe. 

 

The funny thing is that when Q was home the night before I didn't even think twice about having the window open.

 

I wondered why.  I mean, it's not like Q was going to protect me if a raccoon decided to join me in my bed, or a burglar decided he just had to have my uh...extensive collection of cardigans...

 

And then it hit me...

 

Q makes me brave.

 

With Q, I am a momma bear. 

 

I am his protector. 

 

His defender.

 

He makes me stronger than I ever knew I could be. (and that's saying something...because I'm kind of like, a scaredy cat...and I obsess over everything...I mean, sleeping with a open window scared me for crying out loud!)

 

But I know that I am capable of protecting him with all of my being.

 

I would run into burning buildings, I would lift a car over my head, I would fight swarms of bees (even though I joke otherwise about that one...ha...ha...ha..), I would fight the bad guy, I would wrap up a gaping wound (without puking), I would defend his honour, I would give him a fighting chance.

 

I love him more than I could ever imagine possible. 

 

So, Life Lesson:

 

Don't mess with momma. 

 

Co-Parenting

I will say this:  Before you have children, make sure you can see yourself raising them with the person you choose to procreate with for at least 18 years.

(well that's a loaded first sentence, isn't it??)

 

Seriously, take a look at that person sitting beside you.  With those annoying little quirks that you think are so lovable.  With that ridiculous habit/hobby/nervous tic that you tolerate right now.  With those questionable (at least to you) values and/or morals that don't really matter, right now.  With his aloofness, his baggage.  Because right now, you love him (or you think you do...) and these things don't really matter right now.  They're tolerable right now...they might even be endearing. 

 

I know they were for me...

 

So fast forward 5 years.  10 years. 

 

 Now you can't stand the sight of him.  You can't figure out why this guy won't grow up.  But guess what....you're stuck with him in your life because you ignored that inner voice and you had a baby with him. 

 

This man has equal influence in your child's life.  He takes equal time. 

 

And so, okay maybe you've made peace with this guy in your life and in your child's life for the next 18+ years.  You tolerate him.  You have found a way of explaining away his broken promises to your child in a way you almost believe.  He's there, at least, for his son.  A male role model is a male role model, right? 

 

But then, he brings another woman into your son's life.

 

You can't do anything about it.  In fact, you don't even know about it until after your child tells you *daddy's moving in with C and they're going to buy a big house with a pool in the back yard!!!*

 

So much fun, right??

 

Now not one, but two people are in your life.  They're at your son's play at school.  They're at his graduation.  They're at his wedding.  At the hospital for the birth of your first grand child.  These people are in your life forever.

 

You need to think about that.  Because I didn't give it enough thought.

In my life right now, the *thing* I struggle with the most is co-parenting Q with Mr. Ex.  The biggest problem for me is the loss of control I feel over the influences others have over my child.  There is half of his life I know nothing of, unless he tells me.  For now, he does tell me, because he's 8 and he tells his mommy everything.  What about when he's older?  Will he tell me about the dinner party where some weirdo named *sing* reads his palm and tells him he was a tree in his past life? 

 

Decisions regarding his education, his extra-curricular, his future - all of those need to be made with someone who's opinion I do not respect. 

 

You know, it's not just that.  It's the fact that I can't offer my child the life I always expected I would give him.  I can't give him a home with two loving (towards him and each other) parents.  I can't give him a home with a pool in the back yard. 

 

I get that in the end it probably won't matter about the pool. 

 

I get that.

 

It's just taking a little while for everything to sink in.