This Gets Messy

I kind of feel like I make God roll his eyes in frustration at least 10 times per day. 

Maybe more. 

Like, I know God doesn't swear...but he might let out a little "fffffff" out once in a while in my general direction before he catches himself and bites his lip. 

Because I'm difficult.

In the past year, seemingly without any (okay, much) input from me I have:

1. Finished paying off over $10K after a very unsuccessful relationship
2. Scored my dream job
3. Had a 5lb, 6 inch diameter *benign* tumor removed (along with my uterus...)
4. Been told I have glaucoma and then told all previous signs of glaucoma have gone
5. Found a home in my dream neighbourhood, so Q can go to our dream high school and play for our dream minor hockey league
6. Lost 10lbs...

And those are just the MAJOR things.  I've also seen my BFF twice, been to Toronto to see the fam jam, went to Hawaii with Q for a week, and booked a two week vacation that takes us across the country.

That reads like a pretty fantastic year.  And of course, I am so so *so* thankful.  And I know that I have been blessed because all of these things have been beyond my power (especially the weight loss...I have no idea how that happened).  Paying off the G's, I'm not going to lie, was realllllllly hard...but I did it and it's done.

Here's the thing...

I feel like the kid at Christmas who just woke up, ran downstairs, opened all the amazing presents and then looks around at all the gifts with big elephant tears and a wobbly chin and says, "but where's the unicorn?  I really, really, really wanted an unicorn.  I *asked* for an unicorn."

I really thought my unicorn (a.k.a. husband) would have shown up by now. 

This is where God rolls his eyes.

When Mr. Ex and I broke up 9 (nine!) years ago, I had this overwhelming sense of hope that my husband was just around the corner...but here we are nine years later, and my hope has turned to apathy and cynicism and bitterness.

Our move this time is a little bittersweet, because I said the last time I moved was that the next time I moved I would be married.

I AM NOT MARRIED

And not only am I not married, I am nowhere close to being married.  I'm not even dating.

Some people don't need/want to be married.  They're good on their own. 

I am not that person. 

I crave that companionship.  I don't want to be making all the decisions anymore.  I don't want to be the one that unclogs the toilet.  I don't want to be the one to blame every time I forget something at the grocery store.  I want to cuddle.  I want to Netflix and chill, people.  I want to go on vacations together (I've never actually done that, can you believe it?!?!).  I want to make horrible dinners and burn the food.  I want someone else to pay a freaking bill once in a while.

I feel like if I *had* a uterus it would be shrivelling up by. the. day.  It would look like a raisin.  I'm not even kidding, you guys.  I'm not 25 anymore.  I am getting older by the day.  My age almost starts with a 4 and ends with an 0.  Men my age are looking for 25 year old virgins who want to start a family.  You know what that leaves me?  Probably with pervs and 60 year old's...haha. ha. My life feels like the best years are behind me. 

I'm *trying* to find inspiration and I'm trying to not feel sorry for myself and I am trying to feel overwhelmingly blessed and thankful and happy.

WHY can't I just be happy?

Okay....you guys totally felt it this time too...

God just rolled His eyes again. 

Giving Thanks, I am.

Well, it's Thanksgiving here in Canada.  I sit here in front of the computer completely overwhelmed, finding it hard to write about what I'm thankful for.  Not because I don't have anything to be thankful for, and definitely not because I'm not thankful, but because I'm struggling to find the words that will adequately and eloquently describe the depth of my thankfulness.

First of all, I am so thankful for my son.  He is beautiful and kind and smart and insightful.  When I look at Q, I know that God is real, because something as amazing as this child could not be purely scientific and the product of a *big bang*.  He was lovingly created, with qualities both quirky and wonderful all mixed together to make him an unique individual who literally amazes me everyday.  I love his innocence.  I love his ability to believe in things that adults, jaded and heavy laden with baggage find unbelievable.  I love that he is a cuddle bug.  I am so grateful that he is healthy and hasn't had as much as even a cold in the past months.  I love that he sometimes seems to me a genius and at other times I wonder, confounded, what on earth he was thinking.  I love that I can see pieces of me, pieces of my brother, pieces of my mother in him.  I can see generations of hopes and dreams coursing through his veins and it makes me proud.  I'm so excited to see what his story will be, who he will become, and what his mark will be.



little beaver smile.  look at those cheeks with dimples from nana and papa's eyes



contemplating life

I'm thankful for my family.  I have been blessed with an unusual family, in that we all actually all really like each other!!  My mother, I call my friend. I love her and respect her and for quite some time now, she has been my significant other.  And while this will change soon, I look forward to the new adventures our relationship will experience.  My brother, oh my brother...I am so proud of the man he has become.  In the past couple of years, he has really grown up to be an incredible man.  He is strong, but kind.  He would do anything for anyone.  He is a man of his word.  He admits when he is wrong.  He protects his family.  Since becoming married, he leads his family with a wisdom that astounds me.  His wife, my beautiful sister-in-law completes our family so wonderfully.  She is the sister I never had, but always wanted.  She is funny and sweet and so giving.  I am flattered that people think we are twins.  Because this woman is stunning.  Stunning.  Inside and out.

Stevie photobombing momma



he's reading to her.  so, so sweet

I'm so thankful to be happy.  Really, truly, genuinely happy.  After suffering from bouts of depression and anxiety over the years, I know to not take happiness for granted.  Some say happiness is a choice, and yes, on most days it is.  But when you're in the throes of depression, caused by an imbalance of chemicals in your brain, there is no choice.  I've been happy for a while now.  I'm happy with me.  I'm accepting of my body, my face is familiar to me, familiar like a good book and cup of warm coffee...that does sound strange, doesn't it?  A good book and a warm cup of coffee are two of my most favourite things in this world, so it's a good thing.  I like my sense of humour (heck, I think I'm fricken hilarious).  I like my values.  I love my faith.  It's good to be me. 

I'm thankful for being a woman in Canada.  Here, for me, the possibilities are endless.  I have freedom of speech and religion without fear of persecution.  I have the same rights as the man beside me.  I have the same opportunities that anyone else has to succeed in the business world, if I choose.  I can raise my child without fear of war, threat of death or disease from simple, curable illnesses.  I can put healthy food on the table, as it is fresh and overflowing in my country.  If I am struggling financially, the government has created an infrastructure that will allow me the basic necessities.  If I am sick or hurt, I can go to the doctor or hospital without wondering how I'm going to pay the astronomical hospital bill.

can you believe i live here?

here!  i live here!!!

I am thankful for the company of women, the honour of which I have to call my friends.  God has blessed me by putting amazing women in my life that strengthen me and support me in ways they don't even realize.  I don't see any of them half as much as I'd like to, because life gets crazy and busy, but when we do meet, I feel renewed and just blessed.  I have a wonderful woman who takes care of Q before and after school.  She is sweet and kind.  She helps him with his homework, she heats up his lunch when I forget to and hand her a bag with his food all just thrown in there (I appreciate this probably more than she knows, because it's totally not in her job description, but she always takes the bag with a smile).  She nurtures Q's creative and athletic side, she brings out his outgoing side when he tends to be painfully shy.  She takes him snowshoeing and snowboarding, which is good because I never will.  I could write a whole post entitled, "Ode to Stephanie"  and maybe one day I will.

I am thankful that I have blessings beyond compare.  I'm thankful that I have hope.  Hope for a future filled with love and happiness.  Hope for a future filled with stepping out of my comfort zone and making a difference in the lives of others.  For stepping out of my comfort zone and doing things that scare the pants off me, but are amazing and spiritual and proof that I am living.

I know I haven't put my feelings to justice, but suffice it to say I am grateful every single day for the life I've been given.  I hope to never lose the awe I feel for a sunrise, the new bud on a tree, a newborn baby, autumn, a warm sunny day, the beach, pumpkin spice lattes, a fabulously written book, a comfy pair of jammie pants, puppies and kittens, sleeping in on a day off, the smell of freshly cut grass, a harmony in a song that gives you goosebumps, laughing really hard, the power of a smile, a sunset.

Happy Thanksgiving.