Mmmmmm, Turtle Doves Sound Yummy...

On the second day of Christmas, the company gave to me…employees that actually work. I know it’s often the little things in life that make us happy, isn’t it? Every year about this time, we hire employees just to work the Christmas rush. If they do well and impress us during the holiday season, then we invite them to come to work when volumes get high during the year (ie: tax time, back to school). If they still seem eager to work, about 5-10 years down the line, we offer them part time work. By the time they’re working full time, they’re crazy just like the rest of us. Anyways, they don’t know that yet, so they work really super hard. Here are some of the things they don’t do...

1. Hum. One of the employees who sits roughly ten feet from me hums. All. The. Time. And it sounds like old hymns – just like the ones they used to sing down south while picking cotton. I know you’re laughing. Try listening to it for 8 hours a day.

2. Whistle. Another employee whistles for 8 hours a day. I have this thing about whistling: The only person who enjoys whistling is the person who’s whistling. That means that everyone around them is not enjoying it. Christmas carols, commercial tunes, you name it…this guy whistles it. And he stops every time I get near, so I can’t confirm it’s him – ergo I can’t do anything about it.

3. Disappear. I have this one employee (who has a cane…this will become relevant in a mo’) who is at her station one second and the very next one, she is gone. Gone. I turn my head for a second and then have to spend the next 20 minutes looking for her. I’ve moved her to where I can see her from my desk.  I caught her once, waddling away just like a penguin.  You know where I found her?  In the gym.

4. Look Busy. Some employees work harder at looking like they’re busy. If only they actually were….

5. Cry. Well, they might cry when they get home. But at least they wait til they leave work. One gal cried her whole shift yesterday because she didn’t like where I made her work. Geez, if I did that…I’d be crying 8 hours a day/ 40 hours a week.

6. Sleep. When the hummer isn’t humming…she’s sleeping. It really sucks when they fall off their chair while sleeping because that means a whole heckuva lot of paperwork for me. This one employee falls asleep standing up. Now, I’ve been given the gift of ‘sleep’, but I could never, ever fall asleep while at work standing up.

7. Climb. I caught an employee climbing on company property last night, trying to adjust a fan. Now, to be honest, I don’t really care except….if he falls, again…a whole lotta paperwork for me. And then I get the, “you saw him standing on the table and didn’t do anything?” Hello? We’re all adults here.

9.  Fake Illnesses.  Again, I can't prove it...but come on, people.  Do you not understand the paperwork involved in faking illnesses?  It's ridiculous.  I know it gets you insane amounts of time off work, but most of you have 7 weeks anyways.  Do you really need more than 7 weeks off in a year? 

8. Whine and Complain About EVERYTHING. Okay, we all get paid a lot more money than we’re worth to do absolutely mundane work. Suck it up and deal. It’s not my fault you’re miserable. Do something about it. Just don’t complain to me. Okay? Okay.

Nope. My casuals work. As we speak, they’re all working hard sorting mail. No one’s asleep, no one is falling off their chair (they don't even get chairs).  Some of them don’t even know where the restrooms are located. I think we do that on purpose so they keep working. I mean, if they ask, we’ll tell them…

p.s. The whistling just started. I can’t even make out the tune…

The Experiement, Phase 1

Where I work, we have a social media policy.  To be honest, I've never actually read it.  But just the fact that we have one makes me think that it's a pretty big deal around here.  Then they throw around words like "fired" and it makes you think twice about work-related blogs.  Of course, if I were to blog about work, I would have only positive things to say and wouldn't even think about mentioning less than positive or even unpositive things about my work place.  Especially in my position of authority (okay, okay, I'm just a lowly supervisor...of the world) it would be completely unprofessional of me to slag my employees or my colleagues or my managers.  In fact, I wouldn't even consider it.  So I don't have to even read the social media policy, because I would never, ever, ever write a post about my work, employees, etc., etc.

However, I have this friend...

No seriously, I know when people say they have a "friend", it really means themselves, but really it's not me.  It's my friend.  I've already stated above how dedicated I am to the secrecy of my work place.  So much so that I haven't even mentioned (in this post) where I work.  If you're eager enough to go through all my previous posts to find out where I work, well I appreciate your dedication to the blog, I absolutely do, but that's your problem.  This post is definitely about my friend's work place.  She tells me stories, like all. the. time.  So many stories, that I actually feel as though I work there (but I don't) and I feel equally qualified to talk about some of her co-workers and such.  Because she talks about them that much.

So much fodder, she gives me, I'm actually considering a regular post about her job.  Of course, she'll get royalties if I ever get that famous off it.  I'm that generous of a friend.  I really am.  Tell me what you think...

There are a few similarities between her job and mine.  I cannot explain this, it's pure coincidence.  For instance, she works the night shift too.  Also, she works with unionized employees who's collective agreement is substantial.  It covers most everything.  And let me tell you, these employees are covered.

One employee doesn't show up to work for 7 months.  Seven months!!  They send him letter after letter saying, "Uh, hello?  Are you there?  We're worried about you..." and progressively get more serious, like "Okay, now we're really worried about you.  You must come back to work.  Or at least call us."  And then, "Now, Mister...now, we're really mad.  You have to come to work.  Now.  Okay?"  Then they fire him.  Well, they send a letter saying,

"Dear Mr. Such and such,

You haven't been at work for four months now, you haven't contacted us, so we're pretty sure you're either not coming back or you've dropped off the face of the planet.  We wish you luck in all your future endeavours. 

Sincerely,

The Management"

The employee gets this letter and evidently figures he's in trouble, so he starts calling in sick.  And he sends in a doctor's note as an additional CYA.  For three months, he does this.  Sends doctor's notes every month and calls in.  For a job he no longer has.  For a job from which he's been terminated.  Then, one day seven months later, he shows up for his job.  With a list of conditions (he can only work four hours a day).  And the company takes him back, conditions and all.  They've decided to give him a 'second chance'. 

Isn't that thoughtful of them.

These employees are Teflon coated.  And they know it.

It makes me wonder...

It makes me wonder how far we have to go these days in order to get fired.  If you can not show up for work for seven whole months and still have a job at the end of it...I wonder, what else can you get away with?  What is it that makes people think they can get away with it and then actually get away with it?  What does it say about our society where it's acceptable to have little to no work ethic?  What's happening to us?

To be clear, my friend does not work with youngsters, the gen X-ers who've never had to work hard for anything and therefore have no appreciation for the value of a dollar earned (typically...tsk, tsk to the generalizations, I say).  These are all people in the prime of their career.  They are not working in a highly skilled profession nor a job that requires physical exertion.  They do not have degrees or trades or special powers.  Well, they might...but they're not specific to this job.  They have entry level jobs that requires very little training.  They all get paid very, very well ($20.00/hr - where the minimum wage in BC is $8.00/hr.) for the job they do.  They have health and dental benefits up the ying yang and they will all retire with a full pension and benefits package.  To slack off in this environment is an idea completely foreign to me.  Where does this sense of entitlement come from? 

And why don't I have it?