Mmmmmm, Turtle Doves Sound Yummy...

On the second day of Christmas, the company gave to me…employees that actually work. I know it’s often the little things in life that make us happy, isn’t it? Every year about this time, we hire employees just to work the Christmas rush. If they do well and impress us during the holiday season, then we invite them to come to work when volumes get high during the year (ie: tax time, back to school). If they still seem eager to work, about 5-10 years down the line, we offer them part time work. By the time they’re working full time, they’re crazy just like the rest of us. Anyways, they don’t know that yet, so they work really super hard. Here are some of the things they don’t do...

1. Hum. One of the employees who sits roughly ten feet from me hums. All. The. Time. And it sounds like old hymns – just like the ones they used to sing down south while picking cotton. I know you’re laughing. Try listening to it for 8 hours a day.

2. Whistle. Another employee whistles for 8 hours a day. I have this thing about whistling: The only person who enjoys whistling is the person who’s whistling. That means that everyone around them is not enjoying it. Christmas carols, commercial tunes, you name it…this guy whistles it. And he stops every time I get near, so I can’t confirm it’s him – ergo I can’t do anything about it.

3. Disappear. I have this one employee (who has a cane…this will become relevant in a mo’) who is at her station one second and the very next one, she is gone. Gone. I turn my head for a second and then have to spend the next 20 minutes looking for her. I’ve moved her to where I can see her from my desk.  I caught her once, waddling away just like a penguin.  You know where I found her?  In the gym.

4. Look Busy. Some employees work harder at looking like they’re busy. If only they actually were….

5. Cry. Well, they might cry when they get home. But at least they wait til they leave work. One gal cried her whole shift yesterday because she didn’t like where I made her work. Geez, if I did that…I’d be crying 8 hours a day/ 40 hours a week.

6. Sleep. When the hummer isn’t humming…she’s sleeping. It really sucks when they fall off their chair while sleeping because that means a whole heckuva lot of paperwork for me. This one employee falls asleep standing up. Now, I’ve been given the gift of ‘sleep’, but I could never, ever fall asleep while at work standing up.

7. Climb. I caught an employee climbing on company property last night, trying to adjust a fan. Now, to be honest, I don’t really care except….if he falls, again…a whole lotta paperwork for me. And then I get the, “you saw him standing on the table and didn’t do anything?” Hello? We’re all adults here.

9.  Fake Illnesses.  Again, I can't prove it...but come on, people.  Do you not understand the paperwork involved in faking illnesses?  It's ridiculous.  I know it gets you insane amounts of time off work, but most of you have 7 weeks anyways.  Do you really need more than 7 weeks off in a year? 

8. Whine and Complain About EVERYTHING. Okay, we all get paid a lot more money than we’re worth to do absolutely mundane work. Suck it up and deal. It’s not my fault you’re miserable. Do something about it. Just don’t complain to me. Okay? Okay.

Nope. My casuals work. As we speak, they’re all working hard sorting mail. No one’s asleep, no one is falling off their chair (they don't even get chairs).  Some of them don’t even know where the restrooms are located. I think we do that on purpose so they keep working. I mean, if they ask, we’ll tell them…

p.s. The whistling just started. I can’t even make out the tune…