Monday, June 15, 2009

Tick Tock

My baby graduates this week. Preschool...he graduates from preschool, so I realise it's not exactly university or high school, but it is momentous, none the less. He's gone to this wonderful little Baptist church preschool with these awesome women who just love my kid. They're having a graduation ceremony on Thursday evening. Q and I went shopping tonight for a special outfit to wear to Grad. He wanted one, he said, that would make him look handsome. My baby is growing up, and I am powerless to stop it. It's a graduation of sorts for me as well. I am mourning the loss of my baby. I know it must sound silly to those of you who don't have children, or who's children are still babies and totally dependent on you 24/7 (to which it would sound like a relief.) But my son is my only child. He will be my only child, and all of the sudden I am the mother of a boy, not a toddler, not a baby...a boy!!! Where did my baby go? How did the past 5 years go so fast? It feels as though I will blink and he will be 18 (gasp! and I will be...nevermind!) Q, on the other hand, cannot wait to grow up. His little friend turned 5 before he did, and he said, "oh, I wish I were J...only nicer" (as they have 'disagreements' almost daily!!) He is on the count down to his birthday. I can relate, totally! My whole life I just wanted to be a bit older, a bit more wise, a tad more 'put-together'. I remember being 10 and just aching to be 20. If only I were 20, life would be fabulous. Of course, being 10 - 20 seemed very old. I planned my life away...who I would marry, how many children we would have. Let's see...10, would have meant I was marrying...oh, how funny is that, I can't even remember. Now, I'd love to be able to STOP time. If only I could have one super human power, that would be it. We actually went thru this little phase where I could not call him "baby." This was horrible as it's what I called him just about ALL the time. He'd say, 'Don't call me baby. I'm not a baby!' and I would respond, 'You're my baby. You always will be. It's a term of endearment!' And he'd get mad, because he didn't know what that meant. The book, "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch, I thought was a beautiful story of a mother's love. It totally freaked Q out. He couldn't understand why the mother would drive over to the son's house in the middle of the night and break into his house. Boundaries. He gets it. I'm a little slow. Our song is by Kreesha Turner, "Don't Call Me Baby, Anymore." The first time we heard it, we both looked at each other and laughed. I'm sure Q was thinking, "At least someone gets it!" One of my wonderful friends is having much the same experience. We both suffered quite horribly from postpartum depression. It's actually how we met, in a support group for those of us who were just trying to stay afloat as new mothers. Our 'symptoms' were very similar and in the midst of our anguish a beautiful friendship grew. She was dancing with her sons (6 and 4) in the kitchen last week to a song on the radio, when she suddenly burst into tears. Our babies are growing up. It's sad, and it's beautiful, and it's terrifying! How do we raise them to be honourable men? How do we comfort them and nurture them and teach them? I ache to hold my baby again. I'm blessed that I have a cuddly little boy. He just loves to snuggle. But I miss those times when I would hold him when he was feeding and he would stare into my eyes and his little hand would hold my finger. Of course, there are many more experiences ahead of us that will tug on my heart strings. The first day of kindergarten, grade one, graduation from elementary school, then there's high school and University and marriage. I'm sure there are many tears ahead. I'll let you know how it goes!

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