Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Work in Progress...not ready to save the world yet...

The thing I love the most about Douglas Coupland novels is that he takes totally mundane situations and boring people and makes exceptional things happen to them. I love this because my life is mundane and I am boring. But I would love for something exceptional to happen to me. I've said before that when I die my tombstone will read, "who?" not even capitalized. I mean sure some people will mourn, some will miss me. It's not the masses I'm concerned about. Believe me, I am okay with the fact that the world will not stop in a collective moment of silence when I die...that would actually be a little eerie...ugh. But I really want my life to mean something, I want to make a difference somehow. If I were in a Coupland novel, I could make a difference in a Staples or the Skytrain. And somehow, that is comforting. How's that for complicated? I want to change the world, but don't want to leave my bubble to do it...hahaha. I just realized how stupid that sounds. Guess I'll have to leave my comfort zone if I'm going to change the world. I'm still waiting for something spectacular to happen on the skytrain. I just know it's a matter of time. Today this woman in front of me was having a conversation...no, that's too polite, she was yelling at her 14 year old son for being a selfish, lazy, inconsiderate brat (and I am totally paraphrasing, her words were much...um...stronger.) She was so hurt because her son had decided to live with his dad, who she was sure was a drug dealer or user or whatever. And she spoke to her son out of pain and anger and hatred for his father. Of course I pretended to do my crossword, but my heart just ached for this woman. She told him to come get his things tonight, because the locks were being changed first thing in the morning. The things she told her son forever changed their relationship and it broke my heart that she could say such hurtful things to her own child. I wanted to put my arm around her and give her a big hug, but something tells me that would not have been okay, LOL. I prayed for her right there on the skytrain, I prayed for her son, but I also prayed for myself. I prayed that I would never ever ever come to that point with my own son. (Haha, my son...who tonight, while 'fixing' something with his dad, said "Damn" and then when asked where he learned that word totally turned me in. Dammit...I mean, shoot...busted by a 4 year old!!!) Okay, so in addition to being afraid to step out of my front door I am also a perfectionist. To a fault. If I can't do something perfectly the first time, I just stop. Skiing...took lessons like 5 times and still can't get down a hill without a plethora of curses and at least 3 really horrible wipe outs. Done with skiing (seriously, though...I hate winter sports. It's cold outside. I don't want to be cold. It's like torture. Give me a good book, a good cuppa joe, and a fireplace...I'll wait in the ski lodge thank you very much) Rollerblading...bought these awesome K2 rollerblades like 8 years ago. Almost $400.00, 'cuz if I was gonna do it, I was gonna do it in style...Yeah, um they've been used maybe 4 times. It's not effortless. I can't glide down the street. Geez, I can't even stop without using a light post or a huge patch of grass (to fall in, of course.) University...well, that wasn't my fault. Well, not really...see, I didn't have any direction. I didn't know what I wanted, so instead I spent thousands of dollars enrolling in classes and then avoiding them (this is seriously what nightmares are made of...I still have them. I've enrolled in a class and don't remember until the night before the final. Or I can't remember what class I've enrolled in, so I wander aimlessly through crowded hallways. You may laugh, but it's horrible.) 1 1/2 years later, all I had was a ridiculous amount of debt and a nervous breakdown. Cooking/Baking...all the directions, tablespoon, teaspoon, baking soda, baking powder...and they ALL do something DIFFERENT. So, if you get mixed up things start going downhill real fast. Hence, my son is a restaurant connoisseur, and he's genuinely shocked (and grateful!) when I make something edible. Ah, so my point...I have a tendency of packing up and going home when things get tough...or don't go as perfectly planned. Making a difference in the world, or my world at the very least isn't going to be easy. It's not going to be a cake walk. I hope I have the tenacity to stick with it. "Be the change I wish to see in the world" as Gandhi said. I love that quote. It sounds like such a simple thing to do, doesn't it? On a dark and windy night though, it sure is hard to be a flame. Ugh, I pray for courage. I pray for strength. I pray for a day a little less boring.

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