Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The Crazy Fish Lady

I have no fear of becoming the 'crazy cat lady.' I don't have any cats. I have fish. Two of them. I talk to them. They get all excited when I do. They come to the surface of their bowls and flitter their fins, and I can feel their love. I feel it. I feel the love.
My fear, especially recently, is becoming the crazy fish lady. The ranting crazy fish lady. I feel myself slipping into rant mode more and more often. You think I'm joking, but I was actually in bed and had to get out in order that I may write a rant blog. Let me tell you, I am pounding the keys right now. Oh. Yes. I. Am. and it feels good. Sooooooo good.
For instance, I feel as though writing a rant letter to the newspaper would be absolutely appropriate right now. Why? Oh I will tell you why. On the third page of the newspaper (so important, right?) they do a full article about this MP (Member of Parliament for my US counterparts) named Hedy Fry who thinks that they should put an H1N1 clinic offering vaccines at Parliament Hill in Ottawa specifically for government type folk. For the simple reason that she has to shake hands all day long, and God knows who she's touching. Are you KIDDING me?!?!?!?!?! Isn't it the Government who has created a whole campaign around not shaking hands at all, but maybe giving "knuckles" or touching elbows instead? Oh, yes. Yes, it is. So why the Newspaper decided to make this breaking news is beyond me. And furthermore, who says you're more important than I am? Really? Get in line, sister. Get in line.
Along the H1N1 rant....ever since it was discovered, there has been mass hysteria created around it. Where ever there is H1N1, you can be sure there is a reporter and a government official calling it a 'pandemic.' So, Health Canada goes around spouting off about some vaccine that has been created and tested and they're suggesting that EVERYONE gets the shot. In fact, they go so far as to call this the "young person's" virus, and then officially recommend that everyone get it. They say it's "critical" that everyone in Canada under the age of 65 get it. People are dying, dammit. Dying! What's wrong with you people? Do you want to die????? They fail to mention that people die from the ordinary old flu every year. So, get the flu shot, okay? Oh, and by the way, we don't actually have enough for everyone. We weren't expecting such a big response to the vaccine shot, I mean, geez people it's just the flu...
I decide to get Q vaccinated. Only because I would feel absolutely horrible if he did get it, and I knew there was something I could have done to prevent it. So, I call my doctor's office last week and I'm told by the receptionist that he's not high risk, so call back on Tuesday. Today is Tuesday. I called back. And the exact same woman answers and tells me they're all booked up for 5 year olds. Oh no no no no no. (Please note: I am usually very passive aggressive...) I say: "Well, this is really frustrating, because I spoke to you last week, and you told me to call back on Tuesday. I'm calling back and you're saying there's no available appointments?" She gets all snotty with me and puts me on hold for 10 minutes. She comes back on the line and says "I have Thursday at 2:20." "Uh, he has school until 2:35" "Well, then I guess you're going to have to pull him out early, aren't you?" I take a deep breath. "Okay." See, she has the power. She can cancel that appointment without telling me, if I'm not polite. That is cruel. Just cruel. She tries to hang up, but I have more. I need to book my physical. "Look," she says. "I'm busy. There's a line up out the door. I don't have time for you. Call back tomorrow." And she hangs up. Are you kidding me? Are you?!?!?!?!?!
I'm yelling at drivers. This is completely fair, though. Last time I checked, we all had to learn the same rules of the road and take the same test before we could drive. So, you all know - just as well as I - that the right lane is for the slow cars and the left lane is for me. GET OUT OF MY LANE. We also all know that when you're turning left, you pull out into the intersection and then turn when safe to do so. So, pull out into the effing intersection. You also know that there is a speed limit. Go the speed limit. If you don't feel comfortable going 50km/hr, then you don't get to drive. My kid can drive better than you. And by the way, if you're not turning...why are you driving with your signal on? And yes, I am perfect. Check my record. Not even a speeding ticket...
If this is supposed to be therapeutic, we are in trouble my friends. My blood pressure is sky rocketing. I can feel it with every word I type. So, I am going to spare you (and my heart) the agony of listening to me rant about my ex. And my best friends ex....what is it with men? Sometimes, all I can do is pray for a big bus (uh.....ha, ha....ha...)
I am single. I have fish. I dislike the BS that comes with men. I talk to my fish. I rant. Out loud. Oh, did I forget to mention that - I'm talking out loud to myself? Well, it's more like muttering, but whatever. I fit the bill. The crazy fish lady bill.
What a week to quit smoking. Note to self....pms + withdrawal = does not play well with others...
I'm going to go take an Atavan. Maybe that will help.


  1. Let me know if you ever plan to come down to Vancouver, WA. I'll take a couple days off just so I can stay off the road.

    I'll bet all those people driving slow in your lane have the swine flu. If you've got 103 fever, you don't feel like driving fast. But at least you'll know they aren't political muck-ee-mucks.

  2. I'm SOOOO glad I'm not the only one that gets up in the middle of the night to pound the keys on my computer board.
    (or talk to the fish, hampsters, cats & dogs within th household)

    Love the blog! Thanks for stopping by mine...that led me here!

  3. Melanie: Vacation driving is sooo different than going-to-work driving. So, if I ever venture over the border (which won't be anytime soon, as my passport expired like a year ago...)you will be completely safe. I promise ;)

    f8hasit: Welcome to my blog. Readers are always welcome...especially bitter, disgruntled single women who rant in the middle of the night :) My Mr. Sofa (can't remember what you've been calling him) was Mr. Fabulous. He was perfect except for the fact that he always had a reason why he couldn't see me....

  4. My mom sent me your blog to check out. It is great! It's nice to know that I am not the only one feeling this way. For the record... I also have a fish. His name is Claud. He sits on my desk at work and often times people will come over to see him...the fish...to see how he is doing. It's quite funny. Did I mention that I just spent $40.00 on a new fish bowl that has an air filtre...yup.. for a gold fish.