Part One - Pictures

Ugh.

Let me tell you that if you're looking for a man who cannot write complete sentences, has enough back hair to pass for a sweater, and does drugs *socially* I have found the man for you.  In fact, I have found several. 

Evidently, Plenty of Fish thinks that I'm an uneducated stoner because this is the type of man  I am matched up with.  Every few days I scroll through pictures of men who Plenty of Fish says I match with - men who do not know the difference between you're, your, there, their and they're, too, two, and to - you get the picture.  One man said a first date would be dependent on what the parsons want.  Why should they have a say in it?  Unless he didn't know how to spell person - in which case, that's just really sad.

I'm gonna break it down for you...if you're considering placing a profile on any dating website, I now consider myself to be an expert on what to expect.  I can lead you through this, so you're not shocked out of your mind when you realize what is out there.  It's not just you.  Unless, it's just me.  And that's a little depressing, so I'm going to ignore that.  I think I've done enough *research* to know that the following list has been compiled after searching many, many profiles.  Ya know, for research...

I will start with pictures, because this has been my greatest source of humour.  Now, I know this sounds really mean, because lets face it, these guys are people.  They have feelings.  And I don't want to be going around making fun of people if it's mean spirited.  If, however, it is considered to be a study on human nature, we can all agree that it's not mean.  Right?  Right.  If you're presenting your best self, one would think you'd want to present your...best...self.  That's not too difficult to understand, is it?  Because this is going to be some one's first impression of you.  Whether we like to admit it or not, first impressions are uber important to all of us.  So, if you put a picture of yourself in a wife beater with dark sunglasses, a baseball hat, holding a can a beer - what do you think women are going to deduce from this???  That you're a great conversationalist?  Okay, so maybe you like camping - but is anyone ever their *best self* while camping?  No, no I don't think so. 

I've decided that men put pictures on their profile that are supposed to attract other men, not women.  To be fair, maybe women do the same, but I've not spent hours scrolling through other women's profiles.  I see the picture of a guy fishing.  How is that supposed to attract me?  How?  Oooooh, look how yummy that man looks with a 5 pound trout in his hands or look how he can provide for a family.  No, to me it says two things.  First of all, it says "I have hobbies that are time intensive and you have to be okay with that."  It's setting up for future fights..."but babe, you knew this about me before we started dating.  I like to fish.  I fish a lot.  It was one of the pictures on my profile.  This isn't new, but now you have a problem with it."  Secondly, that picture says, "dude....did you see the size of that fish?  Who da man?Oh ya...I'm the man." 

Then you've got the picture of the dude taking his own picture - shirtless in the bathroom with his camera phone.   This puzzled me for some time, because I couldn't figure out why some guy couldn't just ask his friend or family member to take the picture of him with his uhhhh, six pack (or somewhere close to that if you look really, really close...) but then I realized how embarrassing it must be to ask someone to take a nearly nude picture of you flexing your somewhat muscles to put on an online dating web site.  Uh, how lame are you, right??  I could see why that's not such a good idea unless you like to be mocked at Christmas gatherings and such.  Here's a little secret...I don't need to see a picture of your pecs before I date you.  Do you walk up to a woman in the coffee shop, pull up your shirt to show her your abs and then give her your number?  No, you don't.  That's like a second or third date kinda deal.  So do yourselves a favour and leave that photo out.  You just look pathetic and lonely no matter how big your muscles are...

There is the picture of the the dude with his arms around two beautiful, buxom women.  Of course, they all have drinks and they're all smiling.  This picture also says two things (and whoever said a picture is worth a thousand words was really, really smart!!) to me.  It says either "women love me and are attracted to me, so you should be too" or it says "I have many, many women friends and you have to be okay with that if you want to be with me."  Either way, it's their subconscious way of pushing women away as far I'm concerned.  You're still playing stupid games and you're not ready to settle down.  Why don't you date one of them?  I'm not a jealous person by nature, but I see the guy I'm dating drunk and hanging all over some women...I'm not going to be okay with that...and neither should you.

They have lots and lots of friends...look here's a picture to prove it.  Again, a good way to fend off future arguments.  "Well, you knew that I was really close with my buddies, babe.  It was no secret."  And the fact that he goes out with his friends every other night and puts them before you all the time...that's more than just a picture.  But I don't know, maybe that's just me.

Men, they like their cars.  They like their trucks.  They like their motorcycles.  I get that.  It's good.  But do they have to put a picture of their car on their profile?  Is that supposed to make me more attracted to them?  Ooooooh, look at that Chevy Cavalier!  That's hot.   This guy is a keeper.  A keeper!!  I like my curling iron, but do I put a picture of it on my profile?  No.  No I do not.  I have a fabulous pair of new stilettos, but they're not on my profile, either.  Because men don't care about that kind of shit.  Just like I don't care to see a picture of your dirt bike. 

These are the pictures that come up most.  There are others too, that are a little more random.  There's the picture of them with their pets (the softer side), skiing or snowboarding (FYI...everyone loves doing that...except me....), the alcohol induced photos (I don't care to see you drunk...not a good first impression), the side profile (obviously they're hiding the ugly side...), the pictures of the extreme sports (um, no thank you).

Maybe it's wrong, maybe it's horrible of me.  I'm profiling the profiles, hahaha.

Another Date...

Determined to not be a single woman for the rest of my days, I decided to go on another *date* with someone I met on Plenty of Fish.  Someone had made it through the rigorous interview process and had impressed me enough to make it to the dinner round.  His profile was really well written.  I liked not only what it said, but how it was written.  It was strong, and kind and I thought this might be a guy I could maybe *possibly* get to know better.  There was only one picture that was a little blurry, but overall he didn't look unpleasant.  

There were signs.  We sent texts back and forth for a few days and while he was funny, I noticed that he started using "your" when "you're" was warranted.  But I let it go, figuring that he was using texting slang.  His profile was just so well written.  

How do I feel before a date?  I feel like throwing up.  I feel like turning the car around and driving home, leaving the poor sap to wonder why the hell I didn't show up.  It's so nerve wracking.  We could be soul mates!  He could be the man of my dreams.  How do meet someone like that without anticipation so intense you feel like puking?  It's a huge deal.  There is a lot of pressure.  But I resisted all urges to stand this guy up and I drove on.  

From the moment I saw this guy get out of his truck, I just knew there was no way I could date this guy.  I know.  It sounds horribly superficial.  But let me tell you, this guy couldn't be anymore red neck if he lived in a trailer park and worked as a...I don't know construction worker?  What kind of jobs do red necks do?  I don't  know, but he's a prison guard...that kind of fits the bill, doesn't it?  But he's super tall, bald, big shoulders, relaxed fix jeans, with...wait for it...cowboy boots.  He looked like a great big triangle.  He doesn't look at all like his super blurry picture.

But I'm a nice person.  And things like physical appearances, they don't matter.  What's inside...that matters.  So, I take a deep breath, tell myself he's already seen me and I can't run away, put on a huge smile and thank him as he holds the door open for me.  And as he pulls my chair out for me.  I was a little afraid he was going to order for me, too.  Not that it's not a nice gesture or anything...it's just that I make critical decisions that affect my life on a daily basis, I'm raising a child on my own...I think I can order my own food, you know...I'm not five.  So he didn't order for me...that was good.  As I'm staring at him, I realize he doesn't look very much like that picture on his profile.  Oh, and I am staring at him, because I'm thinking to myself..."Please...just find one thing you like about him.  He's really, really nice."  And I'm trying to suppress an anxiety attack, seriously.  I'm thinking, "How can I spend the rest of my life with this guy?  I can't.  I can't.  I'm going to have to break up with him.  Ugh.  What am I going to do?"

But then there's more signs.  The age on his profile and the numbers he's giving me aren't matching up.  He's at least 2 years older by my calculations (although....my math really sucks...).  He keeps referring to his *wife* in stories he's telling me, so I ask the question no one is supposed to ask on a first date - how long he's been divorced...because come on, no one refers to his *wife* like 5 times if he's been divorced for any amount of time, and he's over her.  If he's telling a story, he'll refer to his *ex-wife* or his *ex* or *that nasty b****, but not his wife - and get this...he's NOT divorced yet.  MmmmHhhhmmm, his profile...it said he was divorced.  I don't want a guy who still has papers to file, it's not over yet if you still have papers to file.  Then he says that his friend from work wrote his profile for him and sent off all these e-mails to people on POF.  See, so this makes sense.  The age discrepancy, the separated vs. divorced, the grammar and spelling inconsistencies.  I have a crush on the person (probably a woman...right?  Cuz a woman knows what a woman wants to hear...) who wrote his profile, not him.  

Dinner ends, he pays.  Walks me out to the car where he has flowers for me.  Again, like super nice, right?  He sends me a text later that night thanking me for a great night, and I thank him as well...to which he responds, "Your welcome."  Nice.  That's not how you say it, dude.  It's you are welcome or you're welcome.  My son is learning this in grade two.  It's simple English.  It is not that difficult.     

Fast forward to the next day, sends me a text saying he's on his way to a union meeting because he likes to be informed...and me, I'm all sarcastic and joking, and I'm like, "Well, I guess if you consider propaganda being informed..."  and well, I haven't heard from him since.  

Phew.  That break up was super easy and relatively painless for me :)

But then I started to get angry with this guy.  He totally misrepresented himself.  And then I'm the one who's superficial for not giving him a chance.  I hate online dating.  It super sucks.  

And then I decided to take the pictures with my *unrealistically* blue eyes off my profile.  My eyes are grey.  They're not teal blue.  Evidently, no one's heard of Photoshop though...they all think they're real....

'Q' isms - Pee Pees and Pee Wees

So we all knew this one was coming, right?

Q:  Mommy, why do boys have pee pees and girls have pee wees?

Me:  They're actually called vagina's...not pee wees.

Q:  Oh ya.   So, why do boys have penis' and girls have anginas?

ah, close enough...

Me: {thinking really fast about whether or not to tell him the real reason or the happy *God made us that way* answer} uh, well dude...I think you're old enough to know - when babies are born, they come out from down there...so if girls had penises too, it would really hurt, don't you think?

Silence

Silence

Silence

Q:  So this is awkward...

Me:  Yup it kind of is...

Q:  So what?  Every time you poo, you have a baby???

Me:  No, it's a little more complicated than that.  Remember there has to be an egg and it has to be fertilized...

Q:  Oh...right.

Q:  Night, night mommy.  I love you.

Me:  {phew...that's it?}  I love you too, honey.  Sweet dreams.