Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Part One - Pictures


Let me tell you that if you're looking for a man who cannot write complete sentences, has enough back hair to pass for a sweater, and does drugs *socially* I have found the man for you.  In fact, I have found several. 

Evidently, Plenty of Fish thinks that I'm an uneducated stoner because this is the type of man  I am matched up with.  Every few days I scroll through pictures of men who Plenty of Fish says I match with - men who do not know the difference between you're, your, there, their and they're, too, two, and to - you get the picture.  One man said a first date would be dependent on what the parsons want.  Why should they have a say in it?  Unless he didn't know how to spell person - in which case, that's just really sad.

I'm gonna break it down for you...if you're considering placing a profile on any dating website, I now consider myself to be an expert on what to expect.  I can lead you through this, so you're not shocked out of your mind when you realize what is out there.  It's not just you.  Unless, it's just me.  And that's a little depressing, so I'm going to ignore that.  I think I've done enough *research* to know that the following list has been compiled after searching many, many profiles.  Ya know, for research...

I will start with pictures, because this has been my greatest source of humour.  Now, I know this sounds really mean, because lets face it, these guys are people.  They have feelings.  And I don't want to be going around making fun of people if it's mean spirited.  If, however, it is considered to be a study on human nature, we can all agree that it's not mean.  Right?  Right.  If you're presenting your best self, one would think you'd want to present  That's not too difficult to understand, is it?  Because this is going to be some one's first impression of you.  Whether we like to admit it or not, first impressions are uber important to all of us.  So, if you put a picture of yourself in a wife beater with dark sunglasses, a baseball hat, holding a can a beer - what do you think women are going to deduce from this???  That you're a great conversationalist?  Okay, so maybe you like camping - but is anyone ever their *best self* while camping?  No, no I don't think so. 

I've decided that men put pictures on their profile that are supposed to attract other men, not women.  To be fair, maybe women do the same, but I've not spent hours scrolling through other women's profiles.  I see the picture of a guy fishing.  How is that supposed to attract me?  How?  Oooooh, look how yummy that man looks with a 5 pound trout in his hands or look how he can provide for a family.  No, to me it says two things.  First of all, it says "I have hobbies that are time intensive and you have to be okay with that."  It's setting up for future fights..."but babe, you knew this about me before we started dating.  I like to fish.  I fish a lot.  It was one of the pictures on my profile.  This isn't new, but now you have a problem with it."  Secondly, that picture says, "dude....did you see the size of that fish?  Who da man?Oh ya...I'm the man." 

Then you've got the picture of the dude taking his own picture - shirtless in the bathroom with his camera phone.   This puzzled me for some time, because I couldn't figure out why some guy couldn't just ask his friend or family member to take the picture of him with his uhhhh, six pack (or somewhere close to that if you look really, really close...) but then I realized how embarrassing it must be to ask someone to take a nearly nude picture of you flexing your somewhat muscles to put on an online dating web site.  Uh, how lame are you, right??  I could see why that's not such a good idea unless you like to be mocked at Christmas gatherings and such.  Here's a little secret...I don't need to see a picture of your pecs before I date you.  Do you walk up to a woman in the coffee shop, pull up your shirt to show her your abs and then give her your number?  No, you don't.  That's like a second or third date kinda deal.  So do yourselves a favour and leave that photo out.  You just look pathetic and lonely no matter how big your muscles are...

There is the picture of the the dude with his arms around two beautiful, buxom women.  Of course, they all have drinks and they're all smiling.  This picture also says two things (and whoever said a picture is worth a thousand words was really, really smart!!) to me.  It says either "women love me and are attracted to me, so you should be too" or it says "I have many, many women friends and you have to be okay with that if you want to be with me."  Either way, it's their subconscious way of pushing women away as far I'm concerned.  You're still playing stupid games and you're not ready to settle down.  Why don't you date one of them?  I'm not a jealous person by nature, but I see the guy I'm dating drunk and hanging all over some women...I'm not going to be okay with that...and neither should you.

They have lots and lots of friends...look here's a picture to prove it.  Again, a good way to fend off future arguments.  "Well, you knew that I was really close with my buddies, babe.  It was no secret."  And the fact that he goes out with his friends every other night and puts them before you all the time...that's more than just a picture.  But I don't know, maybe that's just me.

Men, they like their cars.  They like their trucks.  They like their motorcycles.  I get that.  It's good.  But do they have to put a picture of their car on their profile?  Is that supposed to make me more attracted to them?  Ooooooh, look at that Chevy Cavalier!  That's hot.   This guy is a keeper.  A keeper!!  I like my curling iron, but do I put a picture of it on my profile?  No.  No I do not.  I have a fabulous pair of new stilettos, but they're not on my profile, either.  Because men don't care about that kind of shit.  Just like I don't care to see a picture of your dirt bike. 

These are the pictures that come up most.  There are others too, that are a little more random.  There's the picture of them with their pets (the softer side), skiing or snowboarding (FYI...everyone loves doing that...except me....), the alcohol induced photos (I don't care to see you drunk...not a good first impression), the side profile (obviously they're hiding the ugly side...), the pictures of the extreme sports (um, no thank you).

Maybe it's wrong, maybe it's horrible of me.  I'm profiling the profiles, hahaha.

No comments:

Post a Comment