One *But* Away

What is your biggest dream in life?

And what is holding you back from accomplishing it?

When I was a teenager, I was going to conquer the world.  I dreamed about being the first female Prime Minister of Canada.  (But then Kim Campbell won by default and was horrible at it, and there went my dream...sucked out the window...)  Seriously, I was going to change the world.  But University was really hard.  And expensive.  And I couldn't fathom years and years in school...I wanted my life to start right then and there.  So I threw away the C+ papers and the B- exams and with them, my dreams of being the Prime Minister.

I was going to be a writer.  But the ideas stopped flowing.  And the inspiration stopped once high school ended.  And the poems stopped.  The novel stopped.  And even if I did have a really good idea, one that people wanted to read...how would I put it all on paper so they'd feel compelled to read?  And how would I find the time to write, what with a child and a full time job?  Then the *constructive criticism* from all the editors and the shut downs from all the publishers...well, I just don't think my ego could take it.  That's the tough thing about being perfect you know.  You realize it's fleeting, and the fear is paralyzing, because obviously no one is perfect.  But once you realize it, and those around you notice too... 

I was going to be married...with tonnes of children that were all delivered naturally, with a Douala and a midwife in a blow up pool in my living room.  It was going to be beautiful.  I'd breastfeed, no problems.  I'd have no problems living on 3-4 hours a sleep at night, and post partum depression would just be ugly words on a page, but would never, ever be used to describe me.  And we'd adopt children with special needs into our loving, supportive home and these abandoned children would come to know love like no one else.  But my husband never came.  My depression scares me to this day.  And I have one (absolutely lovely) child who knows love like only his momma can give him.  But he goes to his dad's every other night, and asks, "who's house am I sleeping at tonight?" And it breaks my heart.

Then I thought, "Who needs a man?  Who needs to be pregnant?  I'll foster babies and then adopt them!!" But I'm already a single mom trying to make ends meet.  How do I add another mouth to the equation?  And what about Q?  I don't want him to feel any less *loved* or cared for because I have more children in the house.  And how would he feel when he goes to daddy's, but these other kids who we've only known for a short time get to stay with mommy all the time.  These two points stop me dead in my tracks.  Especially when Q begs me to never have any more children.

How many 'buts' did you just read?  There are eight.  Eight fearful buts.  Because that's exactly what they are...fears.  Fears that probably never materialize into anything.  I mean, I'm pretty sure I'd never be Prime Minister, because I don't think that's an effective way to change our society.  It's an outlet to lie and scheme or look like you're lying and scheming and be hated by everyone, no matter what you do.  I still bounce around the idea of writing a novel on a daily basis.  But the fear of failure stops me on a daily basis.  And I'd love to have oodles of children running through the house.  It's just not the right time right now.  Maybe when Q is older and settled, and my career is older and settled.  Maybe.

What have you always dreamed of doing?

I stumbled upon the beautiful blog while I was surfing Pinterest last week.  The premise is this:  A girl went on a trip to Uganda when she was sixteen and saw the horrible poverty and how much was needed and how little was given.  She went back a year later with plans to teach English to the girls there.  Now, at 22, is the adoptive mother of 13 beautiful girls.  She has a charity that pays for food, schooling, and jobs for the children and mothers in the village where she lives, because most of the men who lived there have gone.  Gone to find work, gone just to leave.  But gone. 

She's 22.

She gave up everything "back home."  She has no superior education or training.  She has little money, and depends heavily on donations and volunteers and God.  She had plenty of excuses...with the very first being, "I'm so young." 

Her blog has changed my life completely.  It makes all of my fears and excuses so superficial. It reminds me everyday of how much I have, and how much I have to give.  She teaches me to find the good in people when there seems to be absolutely no good left.  She reminds me that no soul is ever so completely lost that you give up on them.  She is such an inspiration to me and I hope you'll read her blog and be inspired as well. 

If you are looking for a cause, a link to click, a poster to buy, a life to change, please make it this one:  http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.ca/

 And if you're like me, fighting those fears and doubts and weaknesses - stop.  Think of the courage this woman lives with every single day, even though there are many 'buts' and 'what if's' and fears.  For every excuse there is an answer if only we choose to see it.

That being said, how we live our life every day is a choice we make.  We can move mountains right where we are, if we are courageous enough to look for it.  On every street, in every building, every day there are broken souls looking for a smile, a hug, an angel.  As Gandhi says, "Be the change you wish to see in the world."

Just because I was sooooooo worked up about the Kony 2012 campaign, I'd like to let you all know that the founder of said campaign was arrested last week for DUI and public *ahem* indiscretions.  Guess he couldn't handle the fame.  Maybe he'll make a movie about that too, and we can all donate to that cause as well.