Thursday, March 8, 2012

Part Three - What's in a Name

Welcome, once again, to my three part series in which we discuss online dating profiles.  First, we've spoken of the horrific pictures men place on their profiles, attempting to attract women (?) or as I like to think, other men.  Next, we talked about what their *about me* profile really says about them, if you're reading between the lines - and bitter like me.  Finally, today, we look at user profile names.  Arguably, this is the most difficult part of any profile.  It's the first thing anyone looking at your profile sees.  It's one word that has to describe you to a tee and be witty enough to attract your target audience.  It's a lot of pressure.  My own profile has a nice ring to it, says barely nothing about me unless you know me and is short enough to remember, should you care to.

Let's get right to it, shall we?  Any combination of numbers is usually a bad idea.  I know, you're thinking that would be the simplest and best decision, but take my word for it, it's not.  The reason is threefold...

  1. You've chosen to use your birth year, yet you lied about your age, thinking you wouldn't be taking this thing seriously and now you are.  After two weeks you can't change your birth date, so the first impression you're giving every woman is that you are a liar...because who would be stupid enough to not know how old they are, right?
  2. You thought it would be super funny to advertise your favourite sex positions with a number (aka: 69).  Guess what...grown women do not think this is funny.  At all.  No woman has ever looked a a profile with a man who's user name has 69 in it and thought, "Woot woot this guys is witty.  Look at his way with numbers.  I wonder if anyone else *gets* what he means!!" wink, wink.  Nope, we all think, "Grow up.  What are you, 14?  Next!"  Then there is the unfortunate circumstance when your birth year is 1969...and then you've killed two no no's with one stone.
  3. The year you join.  Say you join in 2008, optimistic that in 6 months you will have met the love of your life, made an eHarmony commercial, and married on a beach in Mexico.  Unfortunately, this is the exception - and many spend years on and off dating sites, using the same handle used for years.  Years.  And now everyone knows you've been on POF for 4 years.  Way to go.  What is wrong with you?  Why do women NOT want to date you?  Are you a commitment-phobe?  Because now we know, right on the get go, that you've been single for at least 4 there is definitely something wrong.
I've heard from a Sir Comsized, and I can assure you he was not British royalty.  He evidently received quite a bit of flack from women regarding his user name, because he referenced it in his *about me* stating that everyone takes things way too serious and why can't we all take a joke.  There was an Oral Den, hmmmm I wonder what he means...oh, wait...ewwwww!  There have been numerous profile names that include any number of phallic words, nicknames and even symbols, the first that comes to mind is Mr. P. Ness.  Two words gentlemen, Grow Up.  We (I) are not looking for frat humour.  We're looking for men to build a family with, plan for the future with, create a healthy relationship with, we're not looking for potty humour.  I mean, I find a fart joke just as funny as the next guy, but I don't want that to be the first impression I get from my *soul mate*, ya know?  I'm a mother, for crying out loud.  Would you talk to your mother like that?

And the list goes on: SkytrainShawn (doesn't own a car...takes public transit everywhere.  Probably because he can't afford a car, but why not make it a *socially responsible* thing to do instead), SpicyBlack (I'm not good with spices...), BlacknSolid (Hmmmmmm.....), Koooooooooooooldude (my brother got two ducks as pets when he was 10, he named them Cool and Dude.  Just sayin'), Flex-it (flex what?  I'm confused...), Meatman (he's a butcher?), Passionateheat (I doubt that very much...)  These guys would be better off taking the name of their first pet and the street they grew up on, which if you have never heard, is a great way to figure out what your stripper name would be, had you chosen that line of work.  Mine would have been Casey Grand...which you have to admit, kind of does sound like a stripper name, doesn't it?  But I digress, where do these guys come up with their names?

A rose by any other name is still a rose.  That may be so, but if you called a rose a smelly ashtray instead, no one would ever stop to smell them.  Instead, they'd all say, "Wow, look at that beautiful flower.  Too bad it smells like an old ashtray."  Even if it didn't, because names are just as much perception, as they are reality.  For what name do you want to be remembered?   

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