Ode to Momma

Last weekend, I gave my momma away.  No, I did not leave her by the side of the road with a sign that said, "Free to a good home..." (while that would have been funny...I don't think she would have stood for it...) I literally walked her down the aisle and gave her away to the man waiting at the front.  Her Husband. 

I'm quite adamant that there are stories that are mine to tell and others that are not.  My mommas story is not mine to tell, but suffice it to say, she is enjoying her honeymoon on a Caribbean Cruise.  I was given the opportunity to give a toast at her reception, but I knew I'd cry - and they wouldn't be tears of joy, but tears of sadness.  I thought that was really very selfish of me, so I didn't say anything.  But this is my safe place, and it's all about me here, so I'll say it because it will be therapeutic to get these thought out of my head, as they just circle around and around.  I have a tendency to dwell on things a little more than healthy...

There was a time, a good long time ago when I was angry with my mom.  I've never said it to her face, but I'm sure she knew.  I'm not going to rehash the events, but I tell you only as a testament as to how far a seemingly broken relationship can come once healed.

Growing up, I always had a really good, healthy Mother-Daughter relationship with my mom.  What I mean by that is I was the child, she was the adult.  We were not friends.  I had boundaries (but no curfew!  She would just say, "I can't sleep until you come home."  I would come home early, so she could get a good night's rest - I'm thoughtful like that!!).  There were rules and a bed time.  There were consequences for bad behavior.  There were treats and cuddles and traditions and family road trips.  I had a really good childhood.  No complaints.  Good memories.  It's all good. 

As I grew up, though, our relationship grew and matured to the point where we became friends.  The distinction between mother and daughter kind of blurred, and a genuine friendship grew.  Two and a half years ago, we even moved in together.  With her single, and me single - it just seemed like the right thing to do.  Make no mistake, I wasn't moving in with my *mom* so she could do my laundry.  There was no, "Mom!!!!!!  What's for dinner???" or "Where did you put my shoes when you cleaned the house????"  We did not live together so she could look after Q.  We did not live together so I could support her knitting habit.  We just genuinely enjoyed each other's company.

So this past weekend, I not only gave away my momma, I gave away my friend.  For the past two and a half years, my momma has been my *significant other*.  She has been the person I went home to.  The person I told about my day.  I shared with her my hopes, my worries, my bumps and my bruises.  And she did the same with me.  My momma is probably the most non-judgemental person in my life.  This is an awesome balance for me because I am so incredibly hard on myself.  I beat myself up over things that should be long forgotten and my momma reminds me to let it go.  She loves me and my son without question.  It's always been amusing how well we know each other, and can easily finish each other's sentence and sometimes say the EXACT same thing at the EXACT same time with the EXACT same tone of voice.  We watched Coronation Street together.  We laughed together.  I would help her find her lost keys and her purse and her credit card.  Hahaha, and then she would have to turn around and do the same for me.  At her reception, it was good for me to see just how many people love my momma, because she is not just gracious and loving and kind with me, but with others too. 

It hit me just how sad I was when I went to get the groceries and was buying for two instead of three.  Also, sleeping with my bedroom door open is very strange, but it is no longer necessary to close it.  There is no one around to wake me from my slumber.

While I am very, very sad that I lost my companion, I am also very, very happy that she found someone who loves and accepts her unconditionally and offers her a life I (very obviously...hahaha) could not.  And a little piece of me is looking forward to what is in store for me.  Often times, the best experiences of my life have come when I've been pushed outside of my comfort zone.  It's given me the opportunity to grow into the person I've become. 

Who knows...maybe I'll find my husband. 

But I think then I'd have to work on my "Hey, how you doin'?"  And I think I've forgotten how...

What's a Gal to do

So, you're a single momma.  You've got a free Friday night.  You've worked every Friday night for the past two and a half years.  Your wonderful son is at a hockey game with his dad.  Guilt free evening.  You've got two willing cohorts sitting in the next room (fighting over a game of Canasta, by the way...that will be the death of those two...they're gonna come to blows one of these days over that crazy game...)

What are you gonna do?  The sky is the limit.  You're an hour away from the fabulous night life of Vancouver.  There's movie theatres and coffee shops and bowling alleys and a pub less than 10 minutes away. 

Well, if you're me...(which, uhhh... I am)  you plunk yourself down in front of the computer and blog while watching Four Wedding's on TLC.  Which, can I just say...Holy Shite, those ladies are catty.  I mean, seriously, these people are spending $35,000 or more on their weddings and they're going all out.  This one chick has a double decker bus take her guests on a tour of New York City and she's rated a 5 (!!) by the other gals - 'It was too *windy*' says one.  Another one has this gorgeous personalized video/photo booth that her groom made, and she gets a 'It was a cute touch...'  Cute!  A third scored low on the food because there was TOO much of it.  Geez, if these ladies ever came to my wedding (if I ever get married, that is...in fact, I think I was just laughing so hard, I snorted!) they'd be asking if they could score in the negative. 

Anywhooooo, I'm thinking that I'll stay in my pajamas (after all, I did just wake up...) and maybe order a movie on pay-per-view (because - oh, yes - I am too lazy to actually get in the car and drive to the local Blockbuster Video).  And then maybe, just maybe I'll have a bath.  

Oh, and now "Say Yes to the Dress - Big Bliss" is on.  It's written in the stars, ladies.  Why on earth would I leave now? 

There is definitely something to be said for living vicariously through others.  I don't need to get married myself, I can just watch others do it on T.V.  I don't need to travel the world.  I don't need to wear an iron suit and save the world from impending evil...I can just watch Iron Man 2 on channel 852 in HD!!!!  Funny story...I bought an HDTV almost 6 months ago, then bought an HD receiver from the cable company...the whole time, thinking that the two together meant that I was watching HD all the time.  However...the HD channels are only from channels 800 and up.  Crystal clear, I tell you, CRYSTAL clear.  WHO KNEW?

My brother....he knew....

"Committed"

First and foremost, my apologies for being an absent blogger.  I know how you, my faithful thirteen followers,  hold your breath for each and every little gem of wisdom written by yours truly (haha)!!  While it's true I've packing, working full time, picking paint colours for the new home, volunteering in Q's school, and of course, parenting full time...I've also developed a ridiculous addiction to Webkinz.

Have you heard about Webkinz? 

Okay.  Briefly, I will explain the lure of the Webkinz world.  It all begins when you buy a cute little stuffed animal, and with this animal comes an online code that allows you to "adopt" the little guy in a surreal online world.  You make a house for the lil fella, complete with flushing toliets and blending blenders.  You can wall paper the walls, and tile the floors.   And they have these games to play that help you rack up the money so you can buy all these crazy things.  It's the games that have me (although, I have to admit, I've caught myself freaking out at Q for buying a certain fridge when he already had one.  Seriously, who needs two fridges?)  They're like online adult games only way easier because they're supposed to be for kids.  It's great!  I can (and do...) spend hours playing Pile 'Em Up Solitaire!!  Oh yes.  I said Solitaire!  The only problem I've encountered so far is explaining to Q why mommy is playing his games and spending his Kinzcash...

The other reason for my absence is that I was reading a book.  A really, really good book.  A year or so ago, I bought Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love".  For the first six chapters I bawled.  Bawled.  Like a baby.  I could so identify with the anguish that filled those chapters.  I, too, found myself at one point in my life curled up in the middle of the night on the cold bathroom floor sobbing as my life fell apart around me.  I read as this amazing woman picked herself up and rebuilt her soul while travelling the world.  To be honest, my idea of hell is backpacking through India, Indonesia and Italy.  I often joke that my idea of 'roughing it' is a Motel 8 instead of a 5 star hotel.  Hostels are smelly, and the only things I think I would find in such a place are disgusting tropical bugs and cockroaches and rats (shudder).  But her journey of self discovery was fascinating, inspiring, and encouraging. 

So, you can imagine my pure delight when I found out that Ms. Gilbert had published another book, kind of a follow up to the first.  "Committed. A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage"  I will have you know I was in line buying that book the first day it was released.  Let me say this, the book does not disappoint.  I've never really had a problem with marriage myself...well, except for the fact that I've never been married, nor does it seem as though anyone wishes to marry me, but other than that I'm totally okay with marriage.  In fact ever since I was a little girl that is all I ever wanted to do - be married.  And be a mother.  To the extent that when ever anyone asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I'd make something up - like a teacher or a nurse.  In an era where women everywhere were fighting for the right to go to university and have careers (and get paid the same as their male counterparts...) it seemed so silly that all I wanted was to get married and be a wife and a mother.  But really, truly, that's all I wanted.  My career now, I've kind of fallen into and given the opportunity - when (and if) I grow up I still want to be a wife and a mother.

Ironically, reading how this skeptic made peace with  her impending marriage has helped me make peace with my ever looming singledom.  The book follows her trek through Southeast Asia where she bides her time speaking women from all walks of life about their views on marriage.  She's looking for a formula that will guarantee a happy marriage. In the smallest communities in Southeast Asia where divorce rates are next to nil, the secret to a happy marriage was this...creating a life filled with love.  Duh, right?  Here's the thing....not just the love of their husbands.  But their children, their own mothers, their aunts, their cousins, their nieces and nephews, their neighbours, their friends, their hobbies, their work, their homes.  And it hit me.  I've been waiting for the love of a man to complete my life, but when I look around me - my life is complete.  It is fabulously complete.  Falling in love isn't nearly as important as being loved.  Loved by my mother, my father, my child, my kindred spirits, my God .  Falling in love isn't nearly as important as loving those around me.  Loving my life, loving my career, my home and my child. 

I have to stop waiting.

Start living.  Really living.  Breathing in the sweet air right before the rain, watching the sunset, drinking in the smell of my child.  While I don't think I've ever really missed out on these experiences, I do know that I've never really looked at them as the complete story.  It just always seemed as though by being a wife they would be more special.  I look around me, and my life is complete.  I am content. 

Read the book.  Read them both, if you haven't read the first.  Enjoy the journey