i heart u

My thoughts lately have been about love, you know with Valentine's Day just around the corner.  I guess my thoughts are never far from love, it's just so much more pronounced when every where you look, you see hearts and flowers and pink and balloons with hearts and flowers and pink on them. 

I had a night to myself last night.  Little man was at a hockey game with his dad, and so I had a whole evening of *me* time.  This doesn't happen very often as I really like the time I get to spend with my Q and there isn't any way I'd rather spend my time than with him.  He's only young once and I feel like maybe if I watch him and study his features and his mannerisms and memorize every inch of him that it will all come back to me when he is a grown man.  I'll close my eyes when he has gone to college or is travelling the world, and I'll be able to see my little boy, and hear his little voice.

And then again, maybe I won't.  Maybe I'm freakin' my little guy out for nothing.  Haha...

Anyways, I had a night to myself.  I could do absolutely anything I wanted.  Guess what I decided to do...

I rented a couple of chick flicks and snuggled up on the couch and watched them by myself. 

I watched "Eat, Pray, Love".  The book was probably one of the most phenomenal reads ever for me.  Me and Liz...we're like total opposites.  The absolute last thing I ever want to do with my life is go to India and meditate for three months.  It's just not who I am, nor what I want.  The inspiring thing about this book/movie is watching a woman discover herself, heal from her past, and allow it to mold her into who she is and what she wants.  Of course, the movie and the book both end with her falling in love. 

The thing that gets me is that unlike all those romantic comedies that are created in Hollywood, this one is based on a true story.  The prince in Liz's fairy tale is real.  He comes with scars and wounds and imperfections of his own, but he exists.

I've been feeling, for the past two or so years as though this is my happy ending.  This is my fairly tale.  Not so much because it's the ending I've planned, but because it's the one I've ended up with.  I figure if this is what God has given me, then instead of being disgruntled and expecting more I should be happy with it and find all the joy I can from it. 

The one thing missing from my life is the one fundamental in every one else's life.  The phrase "When I get married..." has been replaced with "If I ever get married..."  Why is that?  I'm a fabulous person with a whole lot to offer.  I really, really am.  Why aren't men dropping at my feet, knocking down my door, begging me to spend my life with them?

But what if men were knocking on my door?  What if only one man was?  What would I do?  I'm this strong independent woman who values my alone time, my ability to make my own choices, my (mostly) financial stability.  What would happen if you add a man to this mix?  Would it be like mixing oil with water?  I don't need someone.  How do I need someone?  How do I let someone need me without seeing it as a weakness?

My biggest fear ever is that I will lose my independence all together of my own volition and completely immerse myself in mr. prince/perfect.  I'm afraid I will lose myself and become that clingy, needy woman who needs a man.  Where is that balance?  How do I find that?  These are all questions that I can't answer until I'm actually in a *relationship*, still it's something to worry about, right? 

Well, Happy Happy Valentine's Day, my loves.  Love who you're with, love who you are, love with all your heart.

"Committed"

First and foremost, my apologies for being an absent blogger.  I know how you, my faithful thirteen followers,  hold your breath for each and every little gem of wisdom written by yours truly (haha)!!  While it's true I've packing, working full time, picking paint colours for the new home, volunteering in Q's school, and of course, parenting full time...I've also developed a ridiculous addiction to Webkinz.

Have you heard about Webkinz? 

Okay.  Briefly, I will explain the lure of the Webkinz world.  It all begins when you buy a cute little stuffed animal, and with this animal comes an online code that allows you to "adopt" the little guy in a surreal online world.  You make a house for the lil fella, complete with flushing toliets and blending blenders.  You can wall paper the walls, and tile the floors.   And they have these games to play that help you rack up the money so you can buy all these crazy things.  It's the games that have me (although, I have to admit, I've caught myself freaking out at Q for buying a certain fridge when he already had one.  Seriously, who needs two fridges?)  They're like online adult games only way easier because they're supposed to be for kids.  It's great!  I can (and do...) spend hours playing Pile 'Em Up Solitaire!!  Oh yes.  I said Solitaire!  The only problem I've encountered so far is explaining to Q why mommy is playing his games and spending his Kinzcash...

The other reason for my absence is that I was reading a book.  A really, really good book.  A year or so ago, I bought Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love".  For the first six chapters I bawled.  Bawled.  Like a baby.  I could so identify with the anguish that filled those chapters.  I, too, found myself at one point in my life curled up in the middle of the night on the cold bathroom floor sobbing as my life fell apart around me.  I read as this amazing woman picked herself up and rebuilt her soul while travelling the world.  To be honest, my idea of hell is backpacking through India, Indonesia and Italy.  I often joke that my idea of 'roughing it' is a Motel 8 instead of a 5 star hotel.  Hostels are smelly, and the only things I think I would find in such a place are disgusting tropical bugs and cockroaches and rats (shudder).  But her journey of self discovery was fascinating, inspiring, and encouraging. 

So, you can imagine my pure delight when I found out that Ms. Gilbert had published another book, kind of a follow up to the first.  "Committed. A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage"  I will have you know I was in line buying that book the first day it was released.  Let me say this, the book does not disappoint.  I've never really had a problem with marriage myself...well, except for the fact that I've never been married, nor does it seem as though anyone wishes to marry me, but other than that I'm totally okay with marriage.  In fact ever since I was a little girl that is all I ever wanted to do - be married.  And be a mother.  To the extent that when ever anyone asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I'd make something up - like a teacher or a nurse.  In an era where women everywhere were fighting for the right to go to university and have careers (and get paid the same as their male counterparts...) it seemed so silly that all I wanted was to get married and be a wife and a mother.  But really, truly, that's all I wanted.  My career now, I've kind of fallen into and given the opportunity - when (and if) I grow up I still want to be a wife and a mother.

Ironically, reading how this skeptic made peace with  her impending marriage has helped me make peace with my ever looming singledom.  The book follows her trek through Southeast Asia where she bides her time speaking women from all walks of life about their views on marriage.  She's looking for a formula that will guarantee a happy marriage. In the smallest communities in Southeast Asia where divorce rates are next to nil, the secret to a happy marriage was this...creating a life filled with love.  Duh, right?  Here's the thing....not just the love of their husbands.  But their children, their own mothers, their aunts, their cousins, their nieces and nephews, their neighbours, their friends, their hobbies, their work, their homes.  And it hit me.  I've been waiting for the love of a man to complete my life, but when I look around me - my life is complete.  It is fabulously complete.  Falling in love isn't nearly as important as being loved.  Loved by my mother, my father, my child, my kindred spirits, my God .  Falling in love isn't nearly as important as loving those around me.  Loving my life, loving my career, my home and my child. 

I have to stop waiting.

Start living.  Really living.  Breathing in the sweet air right before the rain, watching the sunset, drinking in the smell of my child.  While I don't think I've ever really missed out on these experiences, I do know that I've never really looked at them as the complete story.  It just always seemed as though by being a wife they would be more special.  I look around me, and my life is complete.  I am content. 

Read the book.  Read them both, if you haven't read the first.  Enjoy the journey