Wednesday, May 20, 2009

"How's Your Day?"

You know, one day I'm going to answer this question honestly. My day is just fabulous, thanks for asking. I have an insane headache. Probably because I woke up late, didn't get a chance to eat before I got to work, and then by the time I did eat, it was too late. I usually keep a reserve of Advil, but evidently I pop 'em like candy, so now it is pounding...behind my eyes, down my neck, both temples. I need a massage. I'm still dealing with guilt today over the fact that I decided to clean the house on Sunday instead of Monday. Sunday, true to its name, was beautifully sunny and hot. Q and I should have hung out at the beach and cleaned on Monday when it RAINED ALL BLOODY DAY. But no, poor planning on my part and I am still kicking myself in the ass over it. What a waste of a beautiful day. What a waste of a rainy day too, for that matter. Rainy days are perfect for cleaning, with the sweet smells that only spring rains bring. Ugh. Now I feel even worse about cleaning on Sunday. I hate my job, I hate stupidity and ironically they go hand in hand on most days. I hate even more that the issue is no longer my coworker's stupidity but my disdain for him. It's no longer his monkey, it's mine. And I don't know how to change it. I wear my emotions. It's completely evident that I have no patience for him or his incompetence. I have a hard time even saying "hi" without giving him the evil eye. And so now it's become all about that. I've become the bitch. I hate being a bitch. It's too exhausting. It eats away at me. And I'm pretty sure it makes me frown, which will give me wrinkles. I like to, as a rule, stay away from anything that will give me wrinkles. (Although I worry and worrying makes me frown, which gives me there goes that theory...) The problem as I perceive it is this - being a non bitch requires swallowing my pride. It means being nice to this guy, helping him, and I don't know if I can do it. It seems so unfair that this guy gets paid the same amount as me when half my job is trying to undo or fix what he's done. But being a bitch is hard. I hate being the bitch. I miss my son. I have huge issues about working full time, with being a single mom. I feel like I don't see him enough or spend enough quality time with him. He's growing so fast. Guilt, guilt, guilt. And then there is this huge elephant in my life right now. I can't talk about it, although I am dying to. I wonder if someone else has seen (felt) it, but can't know, 'cos it's the elephant in the room that no one talks about. But it is bigger than I am and I just have to trust that if it is in the plan for my life that it will happen. I truly believe that some things happen for a reason but this just seems impossible and wonderful and did I mention impossible? For the time being, this one is completely out of my hands. I just have to hope and pray that a seed has been planted and is growing in my favour. But with my luck, most likely it is not. And it's all I think about day and night, so I am losing sleep over something I have no control over. Oh, and then today, I flushed the toilet (toliet? I can never remember that one) and the thingy that flushes breaks. So now in order to flush my toilet (toliet?) I have to stick my hand in the bowl and pull the thingy. This also means I have to make a trip to crappy tire to buy a new one (where I ask the guy where I can find a 'thingy' for my toliet (?) and he looks at me like "Don'tcha know it's called a _____, not a thingy") and then I have to FIX it. Why? Oh, that's right because if I don't, it won't get fixed. Seriously folks, it's times like these that I wish I could say "Oh pookie, could you fix the thingy in the toliet (toilet??? oh I give they both look wrong) while I go bake some brownies" I'm all for 'his' and 'hers' jobs...especially if it means I do not have to take out the garbage or fix toilets or go to crappy tire. Just for the record, I'd never call him 'pookie', it just fit the sentence. Or maybe I would just to be annoying, like all those annoying in love people out there. On a funny note, tho, Q is going pee like every 5 minutes just so he can flush the thing (aha!) And then there's the smoking. 4 1/2 months and I just want a smoke sooooo bad, and I've gained 20 pounds, so that's a bonus right? Just more of me to love I always say. Now, it's day two of diet....and all I want is a smoke and a chocolate bar. Wow, ain't life grand. So, that's how my day is going. Thanks for asking. How's yours? Oh wait. I don't care. (ooooh, see there was the bitch again...sooo not good.) But the Advil gel caps are working, so I don't feel like throwing up any more...that's a bonus. And I just won the cutest pair of running shoes on e-bay. They're pink. And so this will make losing weight fun, I just know it (ahhhhhhh, sweet sarcasm.....)

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