Hope

I was on my way to work, sitting on the skytrain (and no, sorry this is not one of those 'I'm a freak magnet' stories...) minding my own business, doing my crossword puzzle when out of nowhere this bible verse popped into my head. Ya, this stuff NEVER happens to me. Ever. It was Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

It was so crazy. It was so powerful that I had to write the words out over and over and over just so I could release some of the pressure in my head. Here's a little known fact about me: I like to be in control. I know it's shocking. I've come to terms with it. An even lesser known fact...I'm an instant gratification kinda gal. Also very shocking. Okay, okay...those of you who know me well (or not well at all...) know these things about me. These are basically two character traits that define who I am. Don't get me wrong, I realise these are more flaws than positive qualities. So, that bible verse...it scares the shit out of me. In the best way possible, of course. As far as my relationship with God goes...I've pretty much been sitting on the fence for about 10 years now. I absolutely believe He exists. I absolutely believe that He sent his son to die for me. After that, it gets a little blurry. I grew up in a church that relied very heavily on fear based religion. Do this or you will go to hell, do that or you will go to hell. I spent my formative years being afraid, terrified that if I did anything wrong I would go to hell. The horrible part was I knew I wasn't perfect. I knew I was going to screw things up, ergo I was going to hell. Somewhere along the road, I missed the day that God's grace was taught. I missed the whole point, I get that. But not being afraid just felt so good. I could do things that satisfied my need for instant gratification and not feel guilty or damned. I was in control of my life. I made the decisions. It was all about ME. Ya, so I know you're asking, "how'd that work out for you?" and we all know the answer. Single motherhood is the first thing that comes to mind. I am a product of MY choices. The thing is that right now, everything is going reasonably well in my life. I mean, I'm in a job that I hate. I don't understand why I'm there. I don't feel as though I'm making a difference. And I have no control over being there. The pay is good, the benefits are fantastic and they're reasonably flexible if I need some time off for Q. But I left my job at the airport, one that I absolutely loved for this and I question daily WHY I did (okay, okay, so it wasn't so much a choice as it was a lay off, but that's just semantics.) At the airport, I got to be a part of people's first airplane ride, or first vacation in 25 years, or their honeymoon, or any number of incredible events. I got to be apart of it. Many times, a passenger's trip was made or broken by my decision. It wasn't the power that got to me, it was the honour that I was apart of their life, even for a bit. I took the responsibility very seriously and I was good at what I did. My job now is filled with disgruntled employees who hate their job and a management 'team' that has more problems than an episode of Jerry Springer. Blah, blah, blah, right? Everyone hates their job, or part of it...so I must make it clear...it's not my hatred for the job. It's that I don't understand why I'm there. And I'm lonely. That's certainly not a secret. I want a partner to share my life with. I want someone who I love and respect and who cherishes me, too. I want the 'for better or for worse.' Ugh, I want someone to cuddle with and laugh with and someone to hold me. I've been sitting on the fence for too long. I'm being asked to make a decision. It's not a "how much do you trust Me?" It's a "Do you trust Me at all?" It's not a test. It's not a trial. It's a simple question. "Do you trust Me? Because I'm telling you that I have a plan for your life. A plan for you to prosper. I'm giving you hope for the future." Well, isn't that what I've wanted all along?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Why am I resisting this? I want hope. I crave hope. The answer to my loneliness and my frustration with my job is right infront of me, if only I am brave enough to take it. If only I can find the courage to let go of the control. And somethings are worth waiting for. Somethings, I'd wait a lifetime for. There's a plan for my life. A plan for me to prosper. There is hope for me. It doesn't have to be a scary thing. I'm feeling kinda stoked about the whole thing to be quite honest. If ever a sign was given...