Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I was made for loving you

Love. It's been on my mind. Alot lately. More than usual. I think people have forgotten how to love, or maybe they never knew in the first place. I've said before that I believe the only true, pure love that exists is that between a parent and a child (and even that can be warped in this world) I love my child unconditionally. There is absolutely nothing he can do that will ever, ever change that. I look at him and I melt. I cannot believe that I am his mother, and he has my blood coursing through his veins. I gave him life and I am in awe of what I created. I also know that my mom and dad love me. Absolutely. Without a doubt. My mom is one of my best friends and I know that she never judges my actions, she just tries to understand them. lol - as do I most times! My best friend in the whole world is one of the most self centered, self obsessed people I have ever met. She drives me insane. She is out going and beautiful and spontaneous and she talks a mile a minute about everything and nothing. Men are drawn to her, drawn to her in a way I cannot comprehend. But I love her to pieces. My brother is the exact opposite of me. Exact opposite. He is handsome and charming and nomadic. He could pick up tomorrow and go to India for 3 months, just because it seems like a good idea. He is athletic and a brainiac. He has traveled the world. He listens to different, alternative music and understands it. I love him for everything I am not. I love intrinsically. I do not love them for what they can or cannot do for me. I do not love them for their quirks or their faults. I do not love them because they are perfect or beautiful. I love them for no other reason than that is what I am compelled to do, and I cannot imagine NOT loving them with my whole being. It terrifies me that love has become (or maybe always has been) a weapon. People use love as a means to an end. It has become a bargaining chip in a society where selfishness is paramount. What can YOU do for me? What will loving you do for me? In relationships, it becomes a game, a test, "if you loved me, you would..." In the midst of a failed relationship, it becomes vessel for pain, "I never did love you..." Never can I imagine more hurtful words spoken. Finally, after years of hatred and anger have dissipated, I can honestly say that I did at one time love my ex. I loved him with my whole heart. I loved every flaw. (I did...even the super annoying having to set 3 alarm clocks. And still sleeping in. Seriously...who sleeps that soundly? Definitely not me.) My son was conceived in love and hope and fear all rolled up into one. But my ex couldn't love me back. He couldn't and I could only be pushed away so many times before I realised that coming back for more was not the answer. He is an emotional void, he is selfish. What's my point, right? I don't know. Okay, wait...yes I do. My point is this. I am a whole person, I am complete. I am still learning and still growing and I hopefully will until the day I die. I am certainly not perfect. I have flaws, I have baggage, I have issues. I don't love because I need to be loved back. Trust me, the majority of my loves have been from afar (and not stalker crazy afar, just loving those I couldn't have for one reason or another.) I am independent and fiercely so. I can fix my own toilet (albeit grudgingly), I can pay my own bills, I don't need a man in my life to do that stuff. What I need, what I crave, is a man who's love is all he brings to the table. Because I will stand before him and offer the same. A man who will let me love him, if only for the simple reason that I am compelled to do so. p.s. I took my profile of POF. After coming to this realisation, it seemed too shallow a pond (haha, punny). I am saving my love for the man who can appreciate that it is a gift that comes with no strings attached, no games, no ulterior motives. Interestingly enough, this has been a difficult realisation. I don't know why. It has been painful and my chest hurts when I breathe. Perhaps it's just a growing pain. I'm growing past the dating games and looking a little deeper.

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