Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Blind Date

It was bad.

Like really bad.

In hindsight though, I guess I should have asked a bit more about him than just his name.  I'm compiling a list of questions to ask in the event that one of my friends decides to set me up on a blind date in the future.  I'm sure this list will come in handy.  Just so you know, what you are about to read is real. It has not been made up, exaggerated or altered in any way.  The names, however, have been changed to protect...oh screw it...his name was James and I think he was 5 foot 4.

First of all, if you don't drink coffee do not suggest 'going for coffee.'  But I'm just nitpicking here.  While we're waiting for said coffee, I find out he's an insomniac.  No biggie.  Also while we're waiting for our coffee, I find out that he moved to Vancouver recently to be with his mom.  Evidently she has some health issues and he wanted to be able to take care of her.  Openminded me thinks that's noble.  He's short, but he's a caretaker.  But, he continues to say, "she hasn't changed at all.  She's the same old witch she always was.  A drug addiction can do that to you."  I wouldn't know.  Of course, she's clean now but (I learned a lot about drug addictions today....) the damage has been done.  She kicked him and his son out because they ate too much bread.  I'm kinda with her on that one...hasn't he heard how bad carbs are for you?  Hello, Atkins would be horrified, too.  Phew...that was the frst 5 minutes.

He didn't even mention his dad.  I think he's in jail.  That's totally second date conversation though.  You don't bring stuff like that up on the first date.  You wouldn't want to scare anyone away.

We get our coffee (yes, he ordered coffee....) and sit down.  Why'd he live in Calgary?  Family?  A job? Nope.  He was living in Canmore when his ex (mother of child) stayed with him while she looked for a place to live herself.  The only trouble is, she's an alcoholic.  A crazy alcoholic, apparently....she broke into the apartment below his and stole their alcohol.  He got kicked out.  So, a buddy said he could stay with him for a Calgary. 

He bought a house in Calgary with a guy he worked with.  He was the co-signer and the mortgage got approved right away because his work buddy's sister worked in a bank.  The plan was to flip the house in three months and sell it for twice the price.  Except...the guy decides he wants to rent it out instead, takes off to Lebanon (of all places!!!) with the rent money, and leaves Buddy ( I can't call him Mr. Mom....Mr. Mom makes me think of a man who's got his shit together....) with a $9000.00 mortgage payment.  The bank gets mad and decides they want to sue him for $416,000.00, so he declares bankruptcy.

It gets better folks.  Right now he is on unemployment insurance while he figures out what he wants to do with his life.  He really wants to be a personal trainer, but his employment officer talked him out of that dream.  '"Shot that dream down", he says.  I can't imagine why.  I'd have a personal trainer who weighed maybe 100 pounds, wouldn't you?  But I'm a girl.  What guy wants to look like a stick figure?  If you're a trainer, isn't your body a walking advertisement?  I'm just saying....

He's really into martial arts.  He's volunteering right now at a place, and they're gonna hire him real soon.  So he took this opportunity to 'get clean' because narcotics really slow the reflexes. "Yes,"  I say.  "I imagine they would."  Sometimes, I'm just to polite for my own good.

"So, you wanna meet on Friday?"  he asks. 

"Uh. I'm really busy Friday."  I say.  "You know, Christmas and all." 

All of this, disclosed in a mere 40 minutes.  And that's just the stuff he felt comfortable talking about.  What didn't he mention.  Oh my mind doesn't even want to go there, folks.

In case you ever find yourself being blindly set up, I am sharing my list of questions to ask before you agree to meet.

  1. How tall is he?  (I believe this one is the most important question, but that's just me...narcotics smarcotics, I say)
  2. What's his last name?  (For google searches and such...)
  3. Does he have a job?
  4. Does he have a place of residence?
  5. Has he declared bankruptcy in the last 5 to 7 years?
  6. Does he have a history of drug or alcohol addiction?
  7. What was his family life like?  Is he close to his mother?  Does he have a dad?
  8. Is he bondable?  (We didn't even get around to was only 40 minutes...we ran out of time to discuss criminal history...)
  9. Does he have a crazy alcoholic ex that arbitrarily pops in and out of his life, causing chaos and mayhem along the way? (Leave out the crazy...I'm pretty sure every guy on the face of the earth thinks his ex is crazy...)
It's a work in progress, my list...but I do think it may come in handy. 

The kicker?  I paid for coffee.  Mine and his.

My landlord feels really bad.  She had no idea, so she says.  Hmmmmmm, I could forgive it all for a month's free rent. 


  1. Oh my God. What the hell is with guys these days. Sorry the date went awful. Keep trying, your prince will come...

  2. Dear lord. Shheeeeez. I had a "coffee date" like that. He was content to talk until the cows came home. I finally offered to pay the tab just to be released after a two hour stint. I didn't even offer him a ride home (since he didn't own a car and was "temporarily" living with his parents at the age of 46). I see above, it was great fodder for writing. Goooood job. One word of caution; do not discount short men. Some of them are priceless. Perhaps you could move that down to #7 or #8. :)

  3. Oh my, I am sorry you had such an awful date but now that you (and us) can look back on it, it should provide much amusement in the future. I am def. writing down your list.