Monday, December 21, 2009

Careful What You Wish For

Like father, like son

My relationship with my ex is volatile, to say the least.  Usually when I describe him, the first word that comes to mind starts with an 'a' and ends with an 'ss'.  There are two things about him that drive me absolutely insane.  The first is the fact that he does not possess any common sense what-so-ever.  Like none.  At all.  The second is his inability to have normal relationships, in part because he is the most selfish person I have ever met.  Many an argument has been started due to his stupidity or selfishness. 

I've often wished that he would just disappear (haha, that is soooo putting it mildly!)  Here's the little life lesson for today:  Be Careful What You Wish For.  After facing the 3rd layoff in as many years, he has decided to look overseas for work.  And I feel sick.  Not for me, of course...the further he is from me, the greater chance I have at sanity.  I feel sick for my little boy.  Sick because one day last week as Q was falling asleep he said quietly, "I don't think Daddy loves me anymore."  Sick because I don't want my son to grow up without a father figure, no matter how annoying I find him. 

Mr. Ex grew up without a mother and a distant father (who, coincidentally was overseas...)  He grew up in boarding schools.  His relationship with his father is next to non-existant, and his relationship with people in general sucks. 

I know I can carry Q on my own.  I know that I can raise him to be a strong, carrying man.  I know that I have the patience to be a full-time mommy.  Unfortunately, I  cannot be a father.  I can't be an example of what a good father is.  I can't take away those fears of not being good enough or those feelings of abandonment.  It makes me sick.  As a mother, I want to shield him from those feelings for as long as possible.   And I don't want his father to be the one who wounds this perfect little being.  I don't want him to grow up like his father. 

An example of no common sense:  The guy wants to sign the house over to me, so he won't have to pay taxes in Canada.  He says he'll pay the mortgage while I'm living there. sign the house over to me...I'm selling it, taking the money, and running.  Okay, just joking, but why would I want to live there?  It has sooooo many horrible memories for me from when we were together.  And it has his stuff.  Everywhere.  Can you even imagine, bringing my new boyfriend over?  Oh,'s not about me.  It's about what's most convenient for him.  What an ass.

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