18

How old were you when you realized you weren't 18 anymore?

I was 32.  As in...just the other day I looked in the mirror and realized I'm not 18 anymore.  Which is really weird, because I still think I'm 18.  I feel 18.  And when people ask me how old I am (which is fairly rare the older I get...) the first age that pops in my head is 18.  And then I remember that I'm not.  The second age that pops in my head is 23.  But 32?  That's like my 4th or 5th choice.

When did this happen?  I have crows feet (which I don't particularly mind...I think people with crows feet look kinder...)  And I'm pretty sure I have a few grey hair, but I tip my hairdresser extra nice when he tells me I don't.  It's like I went to bed 18 and woke up 32.  Where did the last 15 or 16 years go? I'm afraid if I blink, I'll miss the next 15 years as well.

It seems absolutely ridiculous to me that people trust me with adult-ish things.  Like raising a child - I still feel like a child, how can I raise one?  When did I get things like credit cards and cheques?  Can you believe they let me drive a car?  I have cable bills and utilities and a TFSA.  I have responsibilites.  Adults have those. 

I wonder if I should stop doing certain things....now that I'm 32 (well, now that I realize I'm 32...I've been 32 for half a year already...)  Is sparkly pink eye shadow appropriate when you're 32, or only when you're 18?  Can I still call people 'Dude'?  Because I really like that word.  Dude.  Can I still pretend I'm a ballerina?  I've found that nothing cuts tension quite like pretending to be a ballerina while saying, "Look, I'm a ballerina!"  Can I wear dark, dark blue nail polish?  And keep it on even when it chips a bit?  Can I have flowers painted on my toe nails?  Can I accessorize with bling?  Can I still chew Hubba Bubba and blow bubbles and get it stuck in my hair?  Is it wrong that I identify with the lyrics in Taylor Swift's songs???  (Don't worry, I stopped wearing mini-skirts just before Q was born.)

This freaks me out: When I look at a guy, think, "wow, he's cute..." and then realize that he's probably 15 years younger than me.  Or when I walk past a group of girls in the mall and feel intimidated because they're, like, for sure the cool girls at school.  That's weird. 

Even weirder...in 8 years I'll be 40.  And there is nothing I can do to stop it.  I drive myself insane just thinking that.  40.  I know it's not really old.  I know 32 isn't really old.  But when you still feel like you're 18 and you still think like you're 18....well, then 40 is old.   I've not heard it said that 32 is the new 18, but maybe I'll start saying it.  I mean, someone started the whole 40 is the new 30 or brown is the new black...and now look, we all believe it...

And I really hope this isn't a midlife crisis...because I'm really hoping to be here way past 64....