Friday, March 5, 2010

The Problem With Vending Machines...

I have this totally irrational fear of vending machines.  To be honest with you all, I have two irrational fears when it comes to vending machines.

My first fear is that I will bend beneath the pressure and press the wrong letter and number combo and I will not get the Mars bar that I've been salivating over for the past hour.  I will get the stale fruit and nut bar that no one ever wants.  Every single time I use a vending machine I worry about this.  It's so final.  There is no cancel button, like an ATM.  Once you've pressed F7 you've committed to whatever is in F7.  And there can be confusion.  Is it the number/letter combo above or below the chocolate bar?  All I'm saying is there should be an "Are You Absolutely Sure You Pressed the Right Button" button.  Something as trivial as vending machines shouldn't be so absolute. 

But not only that.  What if at the last second you change your mind?  I mean, you had a Mars bar yesterday (just an FYI here...they're not chocolate bars.  They're energy bars.  It says so right on the packaging.)  Now, you've pressed F7 for the Mars bar, and you've decided you really, really want a Coffee Crisp.  What now?  Where is the "STOP! I've Changed My Mind!!" button.  I'd sleep a whole lot better knowing it was there and I could change my mind.  After all, I am a woman - it's my perogative.

My second fear is that as the coil rotates, it won't go far enough and my Mars bar won't fall through to the escape hatch.  There is this split second, and you all know what I'm talking about, where you (I) think, "Oh, no.  They didn't put it in right.  It's not going to come out.  Where's the flipping 1-800 number?  What a waste of $1.25.  Now, someone's going to get two."  And I get really mad.  It's like watching an accident, where all the actions and thoughts go super slow but you're powerless to stop them.  Next thing you know, you hear the familiar thud and all is right with the world again.  Until the next time.  Then it starts all over again.

You understand my fear, right?  It's not completely unreasonable, is it?  This is just one of the reasons why I play the lotto once every blue moon.  Do I pay the extra dollar for the extra?  Lucky numbers?  Are you kidding me?  There are sooooooo many to pick from.  How will I pick the right ones?  I mean, I really like the numbers 7 and 11.  But Q was born on the 13, so it's kind of a lucky *unlucky* number.  Then there's my birthday, which is the 17th.  So, that's 4 numbers.  Great.  But I think that 5 could potentially be lucky.  And I tend to like even numbers better than odd ones.  So now I start back at the beginning, because if you'll notice...the above numbers are all ODD numbers. 

It doesn't really matter anymore though.  My coworker won $25 Million this past weekend.  That is 25 million tax free dollars.  He is three months away from retirement.  He still comes to work every single day, half an hour early because he "loves" his job, and wants to keep some normalcy in his life.  His fear is that if he retires early, he'll suddenly become overwhelmed with the 25 mil sitting in his bank account.  Have you ever met someone who has that much money?  It's a little intimidating.  But...I'm not going to lie.  I am a little choked.  I would love to not work.  I would love to be able to afford to stay at home with my son and not have him calling me three times a night (while I'm working...) crying because he misses me.  

But all serious-ness aside...the dude has single-handedly ruined my chances of ever winning the lottery.  I mean, come on...what are the odds that two people in the same building, working for the same company would win?  The fact that I buy maybe one lottery ticket a year has nothing to do with it....


  1. Drat the man for his callousness at winning while still working in the same building with you! The vicious cur. Had he had any decency, he would have waited until he retired, hopped into a motor home and travelled two hundred miles to buy a ticket in some Podunk town in the mountains.
    As for the vending machines, I’m so with you on that!

  2. Vending Machine Anxiety should be listed in the DSM. I suffer from all the above symptoms, but am blessed to be removed from vending machines in my day to day activities. I feel your pain. As for your co-worker...he needs to SHARE.