Get this...I'm listening to the radio the other morning and they have this *news* item that says there's a third gender. Asexual. So, there are males - males who like females. There are females - who are attracted to males. And then there are asexuals - who are attracted to neither. They have equal number of male friends and female friends but feel attraction to none. They have no desire to be married or co-habitate with either men or women. Any affection (read: human touch) that they need, they get from a hug or a handshake. They have full and rewarding lives and careers, they just don't require sex to feel fulfilled. Even more shocking (to me, anyways...) they don't want it...
So, the constant worrier thinker that I am...I've started to ponder this. How long does one have to be single before they're considered 'asexual'? Is it a year? Is it two? Maybe there is some sort of form you have to fill out in triplicate before they slot you into the new gender. Is it going to be a choice on the next census? Do you have to be a willing participant for it to be valid? Or does someone decide for you?
Because I've been single for almost two years now. Actually, that is a total lie. I've been single for four years in December. I haven't dated for almost two years. To work, I wear black cargo pants (with at least 6 pockets...they're handy, what else can I say?), a navy blue polo shirt, a navy blue cardigan sweater...and boots...steel toed boots, to be exact. I don't know about you, but that screams asexual to me. My male co-workers wear the EXACT same thing. There used to be definition between my waist and hips, a nice hour glass figure I was. Now, they merge nicely into each other, which if I'm correct is considered to be a *gasp* pear shape or maybe an apple...point is, if they're using fruit to describe your body, it cannot be good.
If you look in my closet, you'll find I have more sweat pants and hoodies than dress pants or even jeans. And my bras? I'm not going to lie...I'm choosing function over fashion, comfort over lace. My hair right now is in a bun, and I told myself it was so I could have an extra 10 minutes to snooze, but was I lying? To myself? I have this one black hair that grows from my chin (my eyebrows get confused sometimes, I think) and I try to stay on top of plucking it, but sometimes I forget until it's like half an inch long. And this very moment, I'm horribly exhausted and even though I know a coat of bright red lip stick would do a world of difference in making me look bright and awake, I've not put any on. In fact, truth be told I don't even have red lipstick with me. I think I have a clear gloss though...
What's next, I wonder? Soon, my roots will grow out or even worse, I'll cut my long, long locks pixie short - purely for convenience, I'll say. But will it be the truth? I'll stop wearing nail polish and jewelry and maybe I'll leave the house with only a bit of mascara instead of the full meal deal. I'm sure it's only a matter of time.
Of course, this is all ridiculous. I'm not on the road to asexual. Of course, I'm not.
My real fear is that I'm becoming a radical feminist / man-hater. And it's probably closer to the point.
Exhibit A...
My girlfriend sister is dating a guy right now who is super duper considerate to everyone but her. His cleaning lady did a fabulous job, so he bought her chocolates, he bought someone else (his secretary, I think) flowers. Girlfriend goes into the hospital for surgery and he doesn't even pick her up. She has to get a friend to do so. Then, they live in Dubai (she's a flight attendant) and she opens a coke during Ramadan. He gets all mad because he's afraid the religious police will detain them and she tells him he's over reacting, so he drives extra slow by said police in an attempt to prove his point. Are you kidding me? DUMPED.
Exhibit B...
My co-worker is hotter than I am. He's hotter than any one I know. It annoys me. To. No. End. Seriously, dude...get a zit or a twitch or a grey hair or something. Truth is, he needs a haircut. DUMPED.
Exhibit C...
Best girlfriend is (was) dating this guy who has been separated from his wife for four years. He pursued her, he made her fall in love with him. After four years, one and a half of those with my gf, and a$$ hole decides to go back to his wife, partially because the divorce will devastate him financially. BFF is hoping he comes back. Um, can you say DUMPED?????
Exhibit D...
Now I love my brother to pieces, but I could never, ever date him. He does this thing where he leaves his socks all over the living room floor and farts on a whim. Sometimes, it's all I can do to bite my tongue and not tell his lovely gal to drop everything, run for the hills, and DUMP his sorry keister.
Those are just four examples. I know I could come up with about a tra-billion more, but I think I've made my point. Men are ridiculous. Men are cheaters. Men are selfish. Men are all about themselves. After almost four years on my own, I cannot imagine having someones smelly socks in my living room (other than my brother's, of course). I can't imagine someone hogging the bed and snoring beside me (other than Q...Of course). I can't imagine finding a solution other than DUMP him. What? Work it out? Why? Just so another issue can pop up somewhere else? I want to see the chick flick, you want to see the action...where is the compromise, I ask you, WHERE? Is there even one? I'm not so sure anymore that there is.
Bottom line, it can't be all about me if there's a you in the picture, too.
Now, does anyone need any dating advice? Because I'm offering my services.
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