Pants Don't Lie

In two weeks I have split the butt out of two pairs of pants and popped a button of another pair.  Pants don't lie honey.  I'm officially over weight.  Even my Wii Fit groans when I step on it.  It doesn't lie either.  My mother, who loves me to death, can't even stretch (pardon the pun) the truth by saying I'm "big boned" or "the camera adds 10 lbs".

Yesterday I was on my way to work after dropping Q off at the babysitters and I realized that one half of my bottom was feeling much cooler than the other.  Part of me thought I should just ignore it.  What's the worst it could be?  I sat in something wet?  My circulation to my right butt cheek isn't as good as to my left perhaps?  Thank the good Lord that I listened to the little voice in my head that said, "Check your pants, stupid" because I had split a hole from seam to seam right by my right ass cheek. 

See, this wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't the week before sat down on the couch and split a pair of my favourite jeans from H&M in the exact same spot.  And just this weekend I was minding my own business when a button on my jeans just popped right off. 

I think my pants are trying to telling me something.

I just can't help it.  I mean, I don't smoke anymore, I'm not a huge drinker, I don't have a boyfriend.  Food is all I have *SOB*  The thought of going without Nutella breaks my heart and fills me with sadness.  Halloween just passed and we have Tootsie Rolls (Tootsie Rolls!!!) coming out of our ears.  I love Tootsie Rolls.  My employees bring me food.  How can I refuse their gifts?  That would just be rude, wouldn't it?  Plus, my employees say they love me just the way I am.  Granted, I don't want to marry any of my employees so whether they find me attractive or not is really inconsequential isn't it? Sigh.  The main problem I have with losing weight is that I've had so much self control and restraint in soooooo many other areas of my life right now, that food just seems to be the one thing I let myself slide on.

Marilyn Monroe was a size 12.  And J. K. Rowling says "Is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’? Not to me.” Big can be beautiful, right?  Miss Piggy is beautiful in her own way. And she's rich, too.  So....

But the wedding is 3 months away.  It used to be 6 months away but now, it's only 3.  I have 30lbs to lose (still) in 3 bloody months.  That's like 10lbs a month.  That's like 3lbs a week.  That's like near impossible unless I get my butt in gear.  I do not want to steel the scene in all the pictures.  (Well, maybe I do...but not for being the fattest one in the picture.  Maybe for the one with the rockin' hot body...)

I've been joking about dipping cotton balls in water and then eating them.  They absorb more water in your tummy and then you feel full.  Maybe it's not so much funny anymore and more of a valid option... Any ideas for fast weight loss that don't include weird pills, hormones or starving myself?  I'd prefer ones that don't include working out, either...but that might just be asking too much...