Saturday, February 12, 2011

i heart u

My thoughts lately have been about love, you know with Valentine's Day just around the corner.  I guess my thoughts are never far from love, it's just so much more pronounced when every where you look, you see hearts and flowers and pink and balloons with hearts and flowers and pink on them. 

I had a night to myself last night.  Little man was at a hockey game with his dad, and so I had a whole evening of *me* time.  This doesn't happen very often as I really like the time I get to spend with my Q and there isn't any way I'd rather spend my time than with him.  He's only young once and I feel like maybe if I watch him and study his features and his mannerisms and memorize every inch of him that it will all come back to me when he is a grown man.  I'll close my eyes when he has gone to college or is travelling the world, and I'll be able to see my little boy, and hear his little voice.

And then again, maybe I won't.  Maybe I'm freakin' my little guy out for nothing.  Haha...

Anyways, I had a night to myself.  I could do absolutely anything I wanted.  Guess what I decided to do...

I rented a couple of chick flicks and snuggled up on the couch and watched them by myself. 

I watched "Eat, Pray, Love".  The book was probably one of the most phenomenal reads ever for me.  Me and Liz...we're like total opposites.  The absolute last thing I ever want to do with my life is go to India and meditate for three months.  It's just not who I am, nor what I want.  The inspiring thing about this book/movie is watching a woman discover herself, heal from her past, and allow it to mold her into who she is and what she wants.  Of course, the movie and the book both end with her falling in love. 

The thing that gets me is that unlike all those romantic comedies that are created in Hollywood, this one is based on a true story.  The prince in Liz's fairy tale is real.  He comes with scars and wounds and imperfections of his own, but he exists.

I've been feeling, for the past two or so years as though this is my happy ending.  This is my fairly tale.  Not so much because it's the ending I've planned, but because it's the one I've ended up with.  I figure if this is what God has given me, then instead of being disgruntled and expecting more I should be happy with it and find all the joy I can from it. 

The one thing missing from my life is the one fundamental in every one else's life.  The phrase "When I get married..." has been replaced with "If I ever get married..."  Why is that?  I'm a fabulous person with a whole lot to offer.  I really, really am.  Why aren't men dropping at my feet, knocking down my door, begging me to spend my life with them?

But what if men were knocking on my door?  What if only one man was?  What would I do?  I'm this strong independent woman who values my alone time, my ability to make my own choices, my (mostly) financial stability.  What would happen if you add a man to this mix?  Would it be like mixing oil with water?  I don't need someone.  How do I need someone?  How do I let someone need me without seeing it as a weakness?

My biggest fear ever is that I will lose my independence all together of my own volition and completely immerse myself in mr. prince/perfect.  I'm afraid I will lose myself and become that clingy, needy woman who needs a man.  Where is that balance?  How do I find that?  These are all questions that I can't answer until I'm actually in a *relationship*, still it's something to worry about, right? 

Well, Happy Happy Valentine's Day, my loves.  Love who you're with, love who you are, love with all your heart.

1 comment:

  1. Perhaps when you were younger, you might have lost yourself in a relationship, but I see you now as a strong woman who would find a way to match the complex pieces of her jigsaw puzzle to the complicated pieces of his, to form a beautiful picture of love.

    Yeah, but having said that, as a fan of yours, I <3 you. Keep writing. Happy valentine's day.