Harmony (we'll see)

Plenty of Fish is soooooo yesterday's news. Fed up with perverts, slimy one liners, and unrealistic expectations I cancelled my profile. I'm ready to meet real men the real way....I've signed up with e-harmony instead. That's right folks, this time I'm paying for it...uh, literally paying for it...they say it's free to see your matches. And I guess technically they're right. You see their name. But nothing else. No picture. And then you can't communicate until you pay, so unless you're looking for a headless guy named Joe who doesn't talk, it's beneficial to pay. I'm just saying. I mean, yes my expectations have dropped somewhat but I'm not that desperate -yet.

I like the idea of e-harmony. After filling out a personality quiz (oh and a word to the wise - answer carefully - you can't go back and change your answers. Believe me, I tried.) they tell you all about yourself. It was just like a Cosmo quiz - they give you insight into all your personality traits. How you handle stress, if you're outgoing or introverted. And I don't know who created this quiz, but let me tell you, they are good! They got me down.

After you find out who you 'really' are, you get to fill out your profile. Answer a few questions, post a few pics, take a few measurements (haha) and you're good to go. The game is on.

You don't get to browse profiles. This I'm not so crazy about. They send you matches based on your personality profile. And I'm not sure if this means that they send you matches that are exactly like you or ones that mesh with your personality. I'm pretty fabulous, but if I met a man exactly like me, that might be a little too much of a good thing, ya know?

I put my profile up the day after I turned 32 (and the day after I found my first grey hair. Pure coincidence, I am telling myself.) I've had 9 matches so far. This is the other thing that I like about e-harmony - guys can't send you cheesy one liners. It's called "guided communication." After reading a profile, if you like what you see, you get to send 5 questions (you get to pick from about 25 of them.) They answer, send you some back. It's like a 10 step process before you even get to say "hi." But it's FUN. It's exciting.

However. Ah, yes...there is always the infamous however. However, I sent my "5 questions" to my matches and 3 closed communication immediately. Like same day. Like didn't even answer the questions. Their reason - they're pursuing another relationship. I don't believe them. I mean, you checked your profile immediately when the new match popped up, and yet you're pursuing another relationship? No. There must be some other reason. Something they didn't like. Or maybe they are that slimy. Who knows? I never will.

I'm waiting for responses from 2 more right now, and avoiding 4 others (just joking...) Personality IS important, but there has to be some attraction, don't you think?

Oh No You Did NOT

Oh yes I did.

In my defense, it's been a while. A long while. And I was lonely. And let's be honest here, when it's been a long time, you begin to forget how bad it is. You forget about the one liners and the losers and the ugly couch pictures. Yes, I 'unhid' my profile on Plenty of Fish. (Don't get any crazy ideas - you won't be able to find me...)

I don't know what I expect to find this time around. I really don't. Probably nothing. In fact, I bet that in a week or two I'll be so fed up, I'll yank it yet again. But on Sunday morning, as I sat in church, looking around me (while obviously listening very intently to the Good Word...) and I noticed that I was surrounded, surrounded by married men. That's really all I have to say. Married men with wives and children. Living the life I thought was to be mine. Meeting a single man in church is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Not impossible, but nearly so...

I keep saying I think that my Mr. Right is just around the corner, when the truth is I'm slowly beginning to think I don't have a Mr. Right at all. Not everyone gets a Mr. Right. And so, instead of expecting to see him at every turn - or around every corner - I should begin settling into my life as me. Just me. Not in a bad way, not in a scary way, not in a depressing way. The lingering thought is that maybe I'm missing out by waiting for something that I have no control over and might never happen.

The last few nights I've been visited by the ghost of boyfriends past. One in particular who, if I had married, would have moulded me into the perfect little farmer's wife. We were so young, and he didn't so much love me as the idea of me and who he wanted me to be. I believe he's moved on and found his Mrs. G...complete and content to share his dream. I just think of how much I have grown in the years since him. I've learned who I really am, and that is such a fabulous gift. Maybe being single isn't a life sentence, maybe it's a gift. I think if more of us viewed it as such there would be some really content, complete women in the world.

The Rules

So, I watched "He's Just Not That Into You" the other night. I might have read the book a few years back...but didn't pay it much attention. The core theme through out the book is that if a man wants to be with you, he will move mountains in order to do so, if a man wants to talk to you, he will call you. In theory, it totally makes sense. We've been conditioned as women to think that if a man treats us like shit, it's because he likes us and doesn't know how to deal with his emotions...ie: the pulling of pig tails in elementary school. But if a man isn't talking to you, most likely it is because he doesn't want to. I get this. It has taken awhile, but I can now confidently say, I understand this concept...totally... Guys have been given mixed signals. Like the "woman's lib 'movement' girl" aka - do not approach me. If I want to talk to you, I am woman enough, I am confident enough, I will come to you. Then there's the "Rules Girl" aka - If a man wants to call me, he'll make the first move. Which, of course, is not to be confused with the "Games Girl" aka - If you can't tell I'm interested by the way I'm twirling my hair around my finger, then I am not going to even consider talking to you. Then there's the shy girl, the bold girl, the loud girl...the list goes on and on and on. And the really crappy thing is that any of the above girls could quite possibly be the SAME girl depending on the evening, mood, and alcohol consumed. What happened to the good old days where you passed a note across the class that said "I like you. Do you like me?" and then there were 2 choices...yes or no. It should be that easy. That would make things so much more convenient for me. And yes, in my world, it's all about me. I don't have time to wait around anymore for some guy to try and figure out which type of 'girl' I am, and then make his move. I mean, I don't have time figuratively and literally. I'm getting older. Soon I'm afraid I will be an old crazy woman with 15 cats...you know the stereotype...yelling at kids from my front door in my housecoat. I mean, I do that now on occasion, but I'm yelling at MY kid, so I think it's okay. The movie ends by every single love story (I think there are at least 4 or 5) ending in exceptions to the rule. I'm not sure if they did this on purpose or tongue in cheek or just because reality is too depressing and we all gravitate to the feel good rom-com's. The truth is you can't put rules on feelings. You can't control how you feel, how you fall in love, nor even with whom you fall in love sometimes. Love happens. It happens online, it happens in person, it happens when you're least expecting it. The only 'rule' I attest to is this, "be open to love." Be open to the possibilities. Be open to the beauty, be open to the happiness, be open to the experience. Let down your guard and know that it is a gift to love someone and have them love you in return. I'll suffer a hundred broken hearts for the one who will heal. Yes, many times happy endings only happen in the movies, but I've heard it said, "if it's not happy, it's not the end." Oddly enough, I've never been more content to be single as I am as I write this. I am not looking for "the one." I am not feeling lonely or alone or like there is a void that needs to be filled. I am content. I have been blessed beyond belief. Taking happiness from that is an awesome experience. I can throw away the "Dating makes you want to die, but you have to do it anyway", I can ditch the POF account for good, I can stop reading the "dating guide, 40 ways to know he's into you' (booooooooring). If it happens, it happens. If not, I'll go out and buy a couple kittens and call it a day :)

Boring...

Ugh. My life is sooooo boring right now. I'm stuck in a rut. I do the same thing every day. I wake up. I go to work. I come home. I go to bed. I do this 5 days a week. Of course I have Q alot of the time, and that breaks up the monotony. But on the days when I don't have him....booooooooring. There's nothing to look forward to. I hate my job. I haven't seen my friends in ages. Ha, date? That's just a joke. Ha. Ha. Ha. So, I was so bored, I figured I needed a diversion. I narrowed it down to 3 options...start smoking again, get a fake-n-bake tan, or re-activate my account with Plenty of Fish. Seeing as how 2 out of the 3 options have been proven to cause cancer, I decided to go with door number 3. On line dating...again. I know, it was only weeks before that I swore off the site. But for an instant gratification gal like myself, mundane doesn't work. There is no excitement in my life. Yes, my life is simple. And that is by design. I don't like complicated. I don't like crazy busy. I like to stop, smell the roses. I've learned how important it is to stop and notice the small things, otherwise the small things pass you by and you miss so many significant things. That's one of the many blessings of a small child...getting to see the world through their eyes again for the first time. But this is just blah. Blah. So, POF... It was probably a good two days before I remembered all the things I HATE about POF. I hate spelling and grammar mistakes. Hate them...huge pet peeve for an English Major such as myself. There's this fabulous new discovery called "Spell check" and hundreds of people probably worked thousands of hours tediously entering every single correctly spelled word known to man just so you - Mr. Enchanted Soul (yes, I kid you not) - can appear more intelligent than you are. I hate that everyone is looking for the same thing. How is that possible? How? If we're all looking for someone to cuddle with on rainy days, and go for long walks by the beach, and bbq's then why, I ask, are so many people still single? It should be a whole lot easier, I think. It's funny how everybody is easy going with a great sense of humour. Not everyone can be that funny. Or that easy going. It's impossible. But no, everyone on POF is Mr. Congeniality. But maybe my biggest pet peeve is the pics. The pics are not designed to attract women. They're designed to impress other men. Every picture has a guy with his car or his motorcycle or on a boat. The next pic is the "I drink Beer" pic...every profile has one of these. Then there's the token "I have lots of female friends" pic...always taken in a bar, always with women who are wearing too little. My fav was the guy who's picture was of him in a hideously ugly lazy boy recliner from 1982. Honestly...what woman is going to be attracted to that? It's so cliche...the single guy with the ugly chair that you have to combine with your furniture once you move in together. 'Friends' already did that episode....so, I'll move on to the next. The thing is, though, it doesn't matter how many pictures I scroll thru, or how many profiles I read, or how many e-mails I get that say "Howz u doin'?" Nothing attracts me. Nothing pulls me in. I'd get more excitement out of looking for shoes on e-bay. (Ooooh, like my heart just skipped a beat when I wrote that!!) I'm just reminded of what I've already learned...attraction is not a face, or a few random thoughts or quirky traits. Love is not a 'first sight' kinda deal and trust is built after getting to know someone. These things I can't get from a picture on the internet. It's empty. And the people in the ads are always way hotter than any guy I've ever come across. If dating is supposed to be a fulfilling experience, this is not. It's depressing. Recently it became clear to me that what I'm looking for is out there. He does exist. I gotta be honest, I was starting to believe 'he' didn''t. I met someone who restored my faith in man (men...) because he is one of them. And I may not be able to have him (who knows...) but it's worth the wait should I be so lucky. It gives me hope, he gives me hope. And life without hope, well, it's just boring...