Hurry Up and Wait

Okay, so life has thrown me a few changes lately.  And I don't really like changes.

My baby is growing up.  He doesn't need me as much anymore - or maybe he still needs me, just in different ways.

My brother and his family moved to Ontario. I've been so blessed in my life to count my brother and my sister in law as two of my best friends.  And so them leaving leaves me feeling empty.  I know deep down that this is a good move for them but I feel like a piece of me moved along with them. They took my niece with them too, despite my offers to keep her and allow them to visit her whenever they wanted.

So I've spent the past couple of months trying to reinvent myself.

I'm not trying to *find* myself.  I already know who I am.  I think I've been trying to *change* myself.  Push myself way outside of the boundaries of who I am and push myself to be more extroverted.  Push myself to enjoy things that I don't really enjoy.  I mean, I thought that I should meet new people and get out there and do new things, like maybe joining Toastmasters or an acting club or a choir.  I joined *another* dating site.  I seriously considered moving.  I considered moving in with a friend and having home stay students.  I looked into adopting a dog.

(Well, the last one is totally me. I would love, love, love a dog.)

But then I realized that all that is not me.  At least not me right now.  Because why do I need public speaking skills?  Because I can't act.  Because I haven't sung in almost 20 years.  Because dating sites are so not my style.  Because there is nothing wrong with where I live *for now*.  Because I love my friend, but I don't have what it takes for home stay students.  Because with Q I'm not home enough for a dog.  It wouldn't be fair for the dog.

And I would NOT be happy doing all that NOT me stuff.

Where does that leave me?  Where does that leave me right now?

Waiting.

It leaves me waiting.

Waiting...

But here's the thing.  Waiting is not bad.  I know what has been placed on my heart.  I know that the waiting now is preparing me for the future when my time comes and then I will be ready.  The waiting now is for rest and reflection so I will be confident when when it is time to *be*.

Presidents are not allowed to be under 35 - but seriously look at the average age of the candidates running now.  Nelson Mandela spent 20 years in jail, resting, before he was voted in as the first leader of a democratic South Africa.  And because I love women and love to support their successes...Amelia Earhart was 40 when she took her fateful flight and made history.  Mother Theresa was 69 when she won the Nobel Peace Prize.  Sarah was 90 when she had Issac.

For now, I will take the time to rest.  I will read books.  I will write.  I will read some more.  I will go for walks.  I will laugh with friends.  I will get healthy.  I will watch Pee Wee hockey games and cheer for #12.  I will help with homework.  I will try to remember to go to PAC meetings (I forget every single 3rd Tuesday every single month).

Because I know that when my times comes, I will be busy.  I will be moving mountains and I will be taking names.  (okay, I may not be that influential...but who knows maybe I will).

I don't know yet what it is I will do...maybe I'll run for office (is that a thing in Canada??  It sounds way cooler than 'I will run for MP') and revolutionize politics by being the first honest leader who really wants to make things better for all classes, whether you're homeless or a billionaire.  Maybe I'll run a Fortune 500 company (again...is that a thing in Canada???  I should really read up on Canadian catchphrases if I'm going to be running the country.)  Maybe I'll be a famous author after writing an amazing novel that changes every one's life for the better.

Truly, truly what I hope for and pray for every single day is that God will use me to change lives of young people.  I pray that he will send me a partner who wants the same.  Every day I hope for a husband who's heart also waits for me and wants to foster/adopt as many children as we can.  I hope that we can show these children that they matter and they are important and they are capable of great things and they deserve to be loved greatly.  I hope that we can plant seeds in these young minds and hearts for whatever time we have them, so that one day when they are grown and alone and faced with two choices, they will choose the good because they remember they are worth the good.

I feel this calling every day.

Every day when I hear of mass shootings, I feel this calling.

Every day when I read of the teenager who overdosed on drugs, I feel this calling.

Every time I see someone begging on the street for spare change, I feel this calling.

So for now, I wait.

I rest.

And I prepare my heart for what's next.

Excuse Me While I Brag (aka Proud Momma)

I hardly know what to do with myself. 

This morning, Q left bright and early with my brother and his wife on a road trip to see my dad and his wife in Kelowna for the long weekend.  This is huge!  First of all, if this was me when I was 7, I would have had my auntie and uncle turn around 30 minutes into the trip because I was already homesick for my momma.  And Q is much like his momma in this respect.  When his best friend suggests a sleep over, Q always looks at me with horror in his eyes, silently pleading with me to say no, even though Q loves his best friend and their family.  He just loves his momma a tiny bit more.  The idea of going away to summer camp for a week might be any other 7 year old's idea of paradise, but my Q would wonder what he had done so horribly wrong that I would send him away for a whole week. 

In fact, up until last night I thought he was going to bail on the road trip.  I had my contingency plan carefully thought up - with everyone booking hotel rooms and him being the key to the trip, he was going whether he liked it or not.  I was also very cautious not to mention how much I was going to miss him, or how sad I was I couldn't go (I have to work...), or any of my concerns that he was going to back out.  When our wake up call came this morning (my brother knocking on my door, "Rise and shine!! Time for a road-trip!!!!) at 5:45 am, Q bounced out of bed faster than I've seen all school year, that's for sure.  He was the first one in the car, with his seatbelt on...

This is huge.  My baby is growing up.  And while I'm sooooo proud of the person he's becoming, it is hard to watch him find his wings and leave the nest little by little with each year.  He's becoming such a person.  Yesterday, he was playing with the neighbourhood children and I was surprised to see he's becoming such a leader.  He had these kids doing whatever he told them, with a kindness and directness that belies his age.  He had them weed and clean up my garden in a morning.  It was amazing to watch him work.  It's a little annoying that we have little to no privacy anymore because these children are inviting themselves to my backyard every single day to play with Q, but it's amazing to me the magnetism Q is developing.

Q's last day of grade two was this past Thursday.  He made it through the whole year with Mrs. J without having a nervous breakdown!  Hahaha.  Four days before the last day of school, he was still telling me he wasn't feeling well, and shouldn't go to school.  When I called his bluff, he resorted to the whiny, "But I hate school...."  Nevertheless, he made it.  He can read.  He can do math (in his head!!!!!), he's destined for great, great things.  And oh, the character he has built from doing something he hates every single day.   He's now my grade 3'er, which totally blows my mind. 

Here are some pic's of his "Sports Day" which was super nostalgic for me because I remember my sports days when I was his age and it doesn't seem like 25 years ago (GASP!!!)

yellow team kicked every ones butts.  haha

crazy hair day.  i'm still finding that stuff on everything

token action shot

So, I guess it's fair to say I'm a pretty proud momma.  I cannot imagine a more gratifying experience in life than raising up little humans.

Oh, and I totally know what I'm doing tonight without my little Q...Magic Mike, anyone?!?!?!

Like Looking in a Mirror

I have a sister-in-law. 

Often times, when you hear someone talk about their 'in-law's' it is followed by an eye roll or a sigh or an obscenity under their breath. 

But not me.  Nope, not me.  I loooooooooove my sister-in-law, so much so, we ignore the in-law stuff.  Early on when my brother first started dating her, I told him that if they ever broke up I would be losing a brother.  The three of us hang out often - they don't mind me being the third wheel (or maybe they do and are just too polite to say...)  Last summer, we went on a road trip to Seattle - the two of them, and me and Q.  For a time before their wedding, A lived with us.  I recall one Thanksgiving with 3 women (A, my momma, and me) in the kitchen and not even one argument was had.  She's a good fit, we all agree.  At their wedding reception, I asked my brother again why it took him so long to find my sister, but then thanked him profusely for doing so.

We think a lot alike, Alice and me.  We're drawn to the same clothes in our favourite stores, we share the same weakness for Nutella,we finish each other's sentences or say the same thing at the same time and we break into song in the exact same spot of the exact same jingle every single time.  We usually dissolve into a fit of giggles, and it's my brother who rolls his eyes.  One or two times, he has asked that we stop singing along to some song or another because, his words..."I did not marry my sister!!!!!"

A few times at Church, people have said, "Hi, A!" to me and I just smile and say "Hi!" back, assuming they're used to seeing my bro with her more than with me.  People say the same to her, "Hi, C!!" and she does the same.  I don't think we look alike, except for the hair length and colour.  She's about three inches taller than me, has beautiful brown eyes and is stunning.  I mean the girl is gorgeous! 

We went for sushi, the three of us the other day and on our way there we ran into a neighbor that my brother had just met.  My brother made the introductions, starting with his wife, and then with me.  The guy looked puzzled, and said, "Really?  I thought you were going to say your wife's sister.  She's your sister?!??!?!"  My brother quietly replied, "Ya, I'm not quite sure what happened there..."  The three of us laughed about it all through dinner.

Then, A got to Church before me and when the man at the door asked her if he could help seat her, she smiled and told him she was looking for someone.  He was persistent and offered his help, what did this person look like...A stopped for a moment and then said, "Kinda like this...." and pointed to her face.  The guy, without missing a beat, says, "Oh ya, I haven't seen her yet!" 

Now, I'm sure Freud would have a hey day with this and all sorts of theories about why my brother married his sister.  You hear about women marrying their *father* all the time.  My one friend's husband looks more like her dad than she does...and she never even noticed til people pointed it out.  I'm not going to go there.  I'll just take it for what it's worth...a compliment, if I look like this beautiful woman, I'm not doing too poorly.  And if we are similar in character, even more the compliment, I think.

I'm pretty sure she feels the same way.

as you can see...we really don't look that similar (i'm on the right, just in case you can't tell...)



awwww, i just love her to bits!!

Then there was that one time my girlfriend knocked on my door, my mother answered and my friend proceeded to have a full conversation with my mom, believing it was me....what does that mean, I wonder?