Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Men, Men, Men

I don't know if you've noticed this lately, but there are men everywhere.  And I'm not even exaggerating.  They. Are. Everywhere.

I've been single now for four years (I know, you all just said "We know already!!!  But just bear with me, okay?  I have a point other than all the other points I was making when I told you how long I had been single for...four years...)  I've been living a *nun-like* life for the past two years (and please tell me I don't have to explain what that means...) 

I have been very good. 

My attitude towards men for the past two years has been mostly *ugh*  and *duh* and *hmph*.  I mean, seriously, men just don't get women.  They don't know what we mean when we say we're 'fine'.  They don't listen.  They have difficulty communicating.  They're frustrating.  They think with their penis.  Or they don't think at all.  They're selfish.  They smell.  The list could go on forever and ever, girls.  You probably have your own list of irksome male qualities (if you can even call them that...qualities....)

And the last little while, I have totally come to believe that I'm destined to be single.  Whether it's fate or karma, a punishment or a gift, I will most likely be single for the rest of my life.  And no, I'm not being mellow dramatic.  I've been single for four years, people.  Who's single for four years????  Right.  No one.  I'm at peace with the whole plan.  Of course, I wasn't at first.  But then I kept reminding myself how annoying men were and what a joke it was that we were supposed to find one person in this world and then stick with them for the rest of our lives even if they breathe loud and snore.  

Then I kind of started to scare myself.  Every so often, I remind myself of those ultra-man-hating feminists who would spit poisonous venom at men, if it were at all physically possible for them to do.  So, I tried to tone it down just a tad.  I do hear myself saying things like, "You don't need a man.  You're a woman!  You can do it on your own!"  Or, "You owe him nothing.  Nothing."  Most times, I'm saying it when it's absolutely not my place to say.  So, I'm trying to tone that down a tad, too.

Companionship?  I have my friends.  I have my family.  Right now, my life and my heart is filled with a six year old little boy.  Why not just devote all my energy into building him to be an incredible human being?  Doesn't that sound wonderful?  And noble?  And fulfilling?  Absolutely. 

Here's the one flaw.

It's big.

I love men. 

They are fabulous.  They are gorgeous.  They are yummy and scrumptious and ohhhhh, I just want one so bad.  Lately, I can't keep my mind (or my eyes) off men.  They are everywhere.  With their broad shoulders and their muscular arms and their chiseled jaw bone and their strong hands. 


I am so completely distracted, it's not even funny.  It's not necessarily just one man that I'm admiring more than the rest, either.  It's every (well, let's not get carried away, here...some men are just fugly, you know) man.  I'm admiring this one's eyes and that one's tushy and his shoulders and his height and that one's sense of humour and that one's voice.  Good God, I can't concentrate.  They are everywhere.  The grocery store - there they are.  The car next to me has one.  Everywhere I look, there *he* is.

What am I going to do?

I suggested a little idea to God...I said, "Hey God.  If you send *so-and-so* (biggest blogging mistake ever = mentioning names...ask me how I know) my way, then I will know you exist and I will be a way better person and go to church and yada yada..."  God, well...He's a little smarter than that...less than 24 hours later I found our that *so-and-so* has a girlfriend.  Although, if I ever needed proof God exists and has a sense of humour....

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