Saturday, July 18, 2009

I have a secret

The inevitable happened today, although I must admit that I hadn't prepared for it. Q came up to me and whispered something in my ear so quietly I didn't hear, so I asked him to repeat it, and he did..."Daddy has a girlfriend," he whispered. "But don't tell Daddy I told you." My heart sank. And not for the reasons you think. Hell no, I do not want to be with his dad. In fact, I pity the poor woman **Shudder** It'll go down one of two ways...she's either a) smart and she'll figure out what an a-hole he is sooner rather than later or she's b) dumb and then they deserve each other. The last one lasted 6 months before his gf was telling ME how horrible he was. Oh ya, that wasn't awkward AT ALL!!! No, my heart sank for a few other reasons: 1. Q's innocence. Most almost-5 year olds have secrets about the penny in their pocket or something else completely innocent. My son told his Mommy that Daddy has a girlfriend. Whether or not he feels the burden of it, I certainly do. Q is fortunate in that we split very early on in his life, so he doesn't even remember us together. This is a blessing for him and was done intentionally for this reason. However, Mommies and Daddies are supposed to be together, and his are not. I ache that I couldn't give him that. 2. Is she kind? Are her children kind? Will they love my son? Oh, my greatest fear is that someone will come into this little boys life and be mean to him. A woman competing for his dad's attention could be that person. And it terrifies me. She has two grown children, and so the last thing she might want is to raise someone else's. We sat on the couch and I asked him if she was nice to him, and apparently she is. She buys him stuff, so she's okay in his books!! One more person to love my child is NOT a bad thing. 4. Ugh, I cannot believe that another woman has fallen for his shit. Seriously. This will be the second one (that I know of) since we split. The last one moved in after 3 months. And then moved out after 6. Women are coming and going in poor little Q's life before he can remember what their name is. Conveniently, they've all had the same name which co-incidentally is also MINE...which is a little weird, to say the least. But whatever. He misses K. He tells me this often. And there is nothing I can do about it. Helplessness is a horrible feeling for a mother. Not to mention that I am still SINGLE. Something must be horribly wrong with me if this eff'd up guy can be in a relationship and I am single. I don't get it. I wish I understood that one. I really, really do. 3. He said it's a secret. That most likely means his dad told him NOT to tell me. This is a horrible burden for a little boy. It's hard enough for him to keep a secret. Even harder to keep one from his Mommy. It makes me sad. Here's the amazingly fabulous thing...he TOLD me!!!! He trusted me with his secret. I smile every time I think of this. We have a bond, my little man and I, and I am so glad...not to mention a little relieved! It was a great opportunity to remind him that he can tell Mommy anything. I won't get mad, I won't freak out, and I won't tell his secret. And my only question about her was how she treated him. hmmm, I wonder how long this one will last...

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