Friday, July 31, 2009

Um, ya...not so much...

(Shhh, don't tell anyone...I'm blogging at work!) Last Friday night I raved about all the fabulous things I'm loving right now. This week, possibly because it's been a long, hot week and I am physically and mentally drained, I am going to talk about the things I so do not like right now. As the consummate shopper, I've bought my share of duds, and I am passing the news on to you!! 1. Smooth Away. I don't know if you've seen the commercials for these, but they have beautiful women in towels smiling as they buff away their hair. As a fairly hairy person myself (well, hairier than I'd like to be anyway) I am always ready to pounce on a new way to shed. If you have a free evening - say 4 hours or more - to buff then THIS is your new best friend. Seriously, it takes forever! I sat down one Saturday night (yes, you heard correctly - Saturday night, but I am a single mom...I don't go out on Saturday evenings...) with my new purchase and directions in hand. "Buff clockwise for a count of 3, then buff counter-clockwise for a count of 3" Wow, super easy. An hour later, I had used 2 'buffing pads' and still had hair. It is unbelievably tedious. You have to go over each area at least 3 to 4 times. I was de-hairing my arms and after a while, my skin felt raw...not smooth. After an hour, I still had another arm to go. And the absolute worst part...the next morning I woke up to...stubble. Arm stubble. Could be one of the many reasons I am free on a Saturday night. Grade: D- (it would probably be helpful if you had little not try it on legs unless you have a whole day to devote to them!!) 2. Nair Shower. One word - Ouch. And the second word would be blood. Yes, blood. After my stubble grew back in, I decided to try Nair on my arms. Put it on before you get in the shower, and then DON'T MOVE because it gets everywhere. When you finally get in the shower and rinse it off with this 2 inch by 2 inch sponge that comes along, it has become this thick paste. It's probably as easy to 'buff' off as cement would be. Then my arms start to get sore, like really sore, and I realize I'm bleeding. I've buffed the skin right off my arms but not the Nair. Nope, it's still there. In fact, it's everywhere, on the shower walls, on my tummy, down my leg. I think my shower lasted a good 30 minutes, and that should only be the case when I have someone to join me (wink, wink!) Oh, and stubble the next day. Grade: F (could I give it an F-, because I so would!) 3. Skintimates Cream. Do you see a trend here? Thick and pasty and sticks to everything. You might as well put icing on your legs and try to shave with that. It gets into the groves of the blades and in between the blades themselves. And water does not wash it away. It makes a 5 minute shave last at least 10. Not my idea of a good invention. And my legs felt no more soft than if I had used the gel. It did smell nice, though, so for that reason alone I give it a Grade: C. 4. Steel-toed Boots. No, I am not trying to start a fashion trend. I work on a dock with forklifts and 5-tonne trucks and big, heavy body bags filled with mail (shout out to Canada Post!!) I know, how very girly of me, huh! I told you, I am an oxymoron. Oddly enough, being a girl on a dock filled with men actually lets me be more girly but I digress. I wish someone would invent non-smelling steel-toed boots. Because I have to wear them. And no girl's feet should smell the way mine do at the end of a long 8 hour shift. It is 10x worse than revolting. I have tried absolutely everything. Odor eaters, copper socks, febreeze, bounce sheets, airing them out overnight outside. NOTHING works. And they're horrible for my pedicure. And, if anyone is reading this who is thinking of making non-smelly steel-toes, consider and jewelled. You would have a line up, for sure. I won't even take credit for the idea. Good luck! Definitely, Grade: F 5. Men. Ok, granted I've never actually purchased a man, but I have been known to use their services every now and again. Mr. 1st Crush is getting married. And not to me. It's not that I thought we would get married, 'cos that would just be silly. But I did believe the words he said, and I did believe he was different from any man I had met. So, the marriage thing hit me hard. I guess men are men are men, and they tell women what they know women want to hear. Maybe that's called flirting. But I thought it meant more. And that is all I am going to say. Currently, Mr. (un) fab is wearing down my defences. A little fact about Mr. (un) fab...he's a salesman. I'm a consumer. It sounds like a match made in heaven, doesn't it? He says all these amazing things, but I haven't seen him in about 3 months because of our horrid schedules. And this little voice inside me says, "if it seems to good to be true, it probably is..." There is however, something inside me that keeps hanging on and maybe, just maybe this weekend I will have a date. Oh, I hope so. Men in general: Grade D. Mr. (un) fab - possibly Mr. Fabulous: Grade B. But, I'll keep you posted on that front.

No comments:

Post a Comment