Wednesday, July 29, 2009

A Little Bit of Alright

A lesser known fact about me: I'm half Brit, half Newfie. As a result, I am constantly at battle with myself. The Brit in me is constantly chiding the Newf in me. "Grow up, don't be such an Idiot" I say to myself. "Oh please you're such a stick in the mud" I reply. I really keep myself on my toes, I must say. On the whole, though, I am quite pleased with the woman I've become. Of course I have my regrets. I know the 'in' phrase right now is 'live with no regrets' but I think anyone who has lived has some regrets. I do. I regret that I'm not as well read as I would like to be. There are so many wonderful words and theories out there that I haven't read. I wish I could refer to authors in casual conversation. You know, witty or thoughtful phrases that would make people go 'Hmmmm' and would make me look smart. This must be the Brit in me. Oh, and I regret that I didn't travel more when I was younger and had the chance. I'm such a homebody though, and seeing the world never really appealed to me until that I don't have the means or the opportunity. But I wish I had seen the Taj Mahal, and Kangaroos down under, and oceans as blue and clear as post cards from Fiji. One day, I hope I will get the chance to ride in a gondola in Vienna. And, of course I have my character flaws. I wear my heart on my sleeve. If I don't like someone, I have a terrible time trying to conceal it. And oh how I hate conflict. Always have. I will avoid it at all costs. Usually til the breaking point and then I will blow up for some utterly ridiculous reason. I expect much of people. Probably because I expect much from myself. I am a perfectionist...well, let me clarify, I am a lazy perfectionist. So, if I can't do it perfectly the first time I give up. And I like everything to have it's place...just a little OCD...but then the lazy comes in and I just let it be. I never, ever clean on hot, sunny days. Hot, sunny days are meant for beaches and water parks and swimming pools. Rainy days were God's way of saying 'Dude, you gotta clean!' I learned this lesson the hard way...I cleaned one sunny Saturday so I could have the rest of the weekend to play. It rained the rest of the weekend. I will never, ever make that mistake again. I'm a procrastinator. I leave everything til the brink of freak out, and then complete it in a stressed out frenzy. I can't save money for a rainy day (or any other day, for that matter) to save my life. I wonder if I will ever learn this lesson. I am a cliche and an oxymoron. I'm a girly girl, but love to roll with the boys. I'm a hopeless romantic, yet an unrelenting cynic. I can be the life of the party, but would rather stay home. I love my singledom, yet long for a partner in crime. I have an addictive personality (which means I become addicted quickly to things...smoking, facebook, blogging...not that people are addicted to me...oh, how I wish!!) When Q was just a baby, I would get so frustrated with all the things I hadn't gotten done in the day, so I began to write down all the things I had accomplished instead. I've found it's a pretty fabulous tool to have in life. I'm a full time single mommy to a active (almost) 5 year old. School and dentist appointments and soccer and playdates and birthday parties and doctor's and laundry and dinner and cleaning AND I work as a supervisor full time in a high stress, deadline induced industry. I'm kind and passionate and funny and witty. Well, I think I'm witty - I amuse myself almost daily. This absolutely is the Newf in me, although the Brit would love to take the credit. I used to think I was a product of my choices, like it was a bad thing. But I have to say that sometimes I stand in wonder at how I do it. I gotta say, single dating mommy (and to ALL the single mommies out there) 'You're a little bit of alright!'

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